Friday, November 16, 2012

Why I Should Never Be A Wedding Planner

Most girls grow up, dreaming of how perfect their wedding will be.  Not me. I'm not most girls. Do  you know how I know I'm not most girls? Because my boyfriend became my fiance by turning to me one night while we watched an MST3K episode and muttered, "You wanna go to Vegas and get married?"

I shrugged and said, "Okay."

Based on this exchange, I would probably make a horrible Wedding Planner.

To test this theory (and because I've been stuck on the couch for the last three days with a miserable sinus infection and have already re-read all my comic books), I decided to come up with a variety of Themed Weddings, which I thought were awesome, but which I suspect most women would burn me at the stake for even suggesting.  Which actually makes me want to be a Wedding Planner even more  (I'm a matrimonial masochist, apparently).

So if you don't mind, I'd like to dump the contents of my scratch pad onto the blog and see if any of these ideas tickle your romance bone:

1. The Wedding Themed Wedding:

In this scenario, all the guests would be required to wear the same outfits that they wore to their own nuptials (so the Happy Couple at the altar would be competing with pews full of women in poufy white gowns and men in hired tuxedos and polyester cummerbunds). But what if you've never been married?  Well, chances are you've still been in a wedding, so protocol would oblige you to wear that outfit, whether it was a hideous bridesmaid dress or a flower girl's pinafore.

Now I know what you're thinking: "What could this possibly accomplish, besides a lot of rage and humiliation?'  Well, if you're one of those people with a bloated and unwieldy list of Facebook contacts, this should help streamline things, because I guarantee you the day after the ceremony you'll be greeted by a blizzard of "Unfriend" notices.

2. The Saw Themed Wedding:

There comes a point in every reception (usually right about the time when they start doing the "Bunny Hop") where you think, "I'd give my right arm for a good excuse to leave."  Well, here's where we find out just how sincere you really are.

Suggested party favors include petite hacksaws, decorative scythes, and whimsical Chinese Finger Traps that can only be escaped through traumatic amputation.  (As your wedding planner, I would instruct the caterer to put up a sneeze-guard to prevent getting excessive blood spatter on the cake.)

3. The Thunderbirds Themed Wedding:

This theme would require the wedding party to act like Supermarionation characters.  The dress code would include molded plastic wigs, thick, caterpillar-like eyebrows, and words that were completely unsynchronized to your mouth movements, while guests would be encouraged to get into the spirit of the affair by rolling their eyes slowly from side to side, and prancing around like the Lonely Goat Herd from The Sound of Music.

So, those are my horrific Wedding Theme ideas. Do you have a nightmarish nuptial concept? I mean, more horrible and horrifying than mine?

If you do, please share it in the comment thread, and Scott and I will decide the winner based on its degree of horribleness and the likelihood of it helping you shed friends and estrange family.

The winner will have their idea brought to life should Scott and I ever decide to renew our vows.  (Which, I'll grant you, isn't likely.  For instance, unlike most couples who freeze a piece of their wedding cake and eat it on their first anniversary, Scott poured lighter fluid on ours and burned it in the driveway, because that's what he used to do with his Aurora model kits when he was a kid, and at the moment, I couldn't seem to muster a compelling counter argument.)


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


Everybody has to come dressed as a furry.

Chris Vosburg said...

To the Thunderbirds-themed wedding, I'd add "clothing made from coarsest horse blankets" to simulate the effect of clothing made from normal weight cloth on a miniature marionette figure.

Furniture pads might work as well, or whatever they made Bradley Manning sleep under at Quantico, which he said was so coarse and stiff that it gave him a rash.

Dark Avenger said...

You could do a Krull-style wedding:

‘Krull’ Weddings: The Awkward Teenage Years of Movie Marketing

By Tim Kirk
Aug 16th, 2010

Like the plot of a dystopian fairy tale, the marketing campaign for last summer’s blockbuster “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” was a well-oiled machine selling a film about machines. We saw giveaway contests, multi-platform games, the requisite high-tech tie-in (LG’s new Versa), free movie posters with purchase, and Burger King kid’s meals with one of eight Transformers figurines. Fitting for a product that started as a toy, became a TV series, then a film franchise and a toy once again. Nothing surprising here; this is the studio marketing folk doing what they do, and doing it well.

These routine, sell-by-numbers operations inspire a certain nostalgia for the promotions of yesteryear. We look back with fondness on the horror movie posters stating ominous admission policies (no one admitted during the last five minutes, no pregnant women allowed at all) and begging the weak-of-heart to stay away. We remember a Hollywood where the studios launch much-publicized world-wide searches for the perfect unknown, and find, in the case of “Gone With The Wind,” Vivien Leigh; where producers like Michael Todd promise ever bigger screens and more colorful film techniques and smaller promoters counter with Aroma-Rama; and where William Castle sells titles like “Macabre” by taking out an insurance policy on each viewer, in case they die of fright, along with other inspired gimmickry (my favorite is the “Coward’s Corner” designated for any customer too afraid to watch the finale of 1961’s “Homicidal”). If today’s marketing machine represents the steady adult hand at work, then the barker with a megaphone in front of the nickelodeon would be this craft in its infancy and William Castle and his shenanigans would be the flowering promise of youth.

Less well remembered are the stumbling embarrassments of adolescence. What about these promotional duds, these misfires for non-starters?

On a hot summer day in 1983, a dozen couples gathered in a soundstage in Burbank to take part in a group wedding. One after another, they walked past a pair of futuristic soldiers in fanciful armor, down a red carpet flanked by strangers in folding chairs, and up to an altar made of faux stone. These were the lucky winners of a national contest sponsored by Columbia Pictures. They had penned the winning statements describing, as the studio’s press release states, “why their ‘Fantasy Come True’ would be to have a ‘Krull’ wedding in Hollywood.”

If you’re not familiar with the film, you’re not alone. The ambitious “Krull,” with a production budget somewhere between $45-50 million was one of the biggest flops of 1983, netting a meager $16.5 million. The more modestly budgeted “Flashdance” made nearly $100 million. The teen comedy quickie “Spring Break” brought in $24 million.

It’s difficult to describe just how bad this film is. There is something essentially off about it. Maybe it’s the clear calculation behind the characters and plot elements; maybe it’s the queasy feeling of watching a British film shamelessly masquerading as American. Whatever the reason, this is a film that even most film nerds cannot love.

Li'l Innocent said...

How about an Austerity Wedding? To prepare one and all for the Fiscal Cliff?

No gift could cost (excluding tax) more than $7.99.

The dress code would be both rigidly formal and puritanically cheap: all clothing must be polyester (not just the cumberbunds)and accesories plastic or other synthetic, and obtained either from the back of the closet or purchased at a local Good Will or equivalent. Sales slips to be verified by the ushers, and any "big spenders" being politely asked to take their plutocratic selves elsewhere.

Backyard venue, rain or shine, and NO TENTS! Everybody brings their own folding chairs. Catering strictly macrobiotic, only concession to gaudier tastes being one of those gas units to make tap water sparkly. (Note: one may bring one's own Fizzies.)

Music by any relatives of the bridal couple who happen to have taken a music lesson at some point in their careers, if they'll agree to perform free.

The honeymoon getaway vehicle should be a compact rental from Rent-a-Wreck, or a borrowed *original* VW Beetle (those things last forever), or - if the couple and their gear are largish - van.

Relatives and friends who cannot restrain their destructive consumerism will be encouraged to club together to pay for the couple's post-nuptial night at the nearest small motel, provided it's on a secondary highway, of '80s vintage or older, and offers no glossier inducements than a vibro-bed and cable.


Scott said...

RED DAWN theme wedding:

No fancy dress. Everyone Come As You Are (provided what you are is stinky and dirty). Accessories must be made from ferns and wild grasses so you can take cover and blend into your surroundings in the event the wedding is invaded by Cubans.

No catering. Guests are expected to kill their own game, then drink its blood during the traditional Toast to the new couple.

After the Father of the Bride walks her to the altar, he's forcibly dragged back up the aisle by the ushers while screaming, "Avenge me! AVENGE ME...!"

The groom promises to love the bride in sickness and in health; and, when she's cold and bleeding out from a small-bore rocket, to furnish her with a hand grenade upon request.

No corny signs or old shoes tied to the bumper of the happy couple's car. Instead, guest will just take turns peeing in the radiator.

maryclev said...

I've got another one! You've heard of (and maybe even participated in) Renaissance Themed weddings? Well, let's go even further back in time and have "The Plague" Themed Wedding:

The person officiating can wear a Masque of the Red Death.

At the end of the night, drunken, passed out wedding guests will be dumped into carts and rolled away from the hall by Valets calling out, "Bring out yer dead!"

maryclev said...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


Everybody has to come dressed as a furry.

Pretty sure that's a real themed wedding people actually participate in:

Kathy said...

I like the idea of a wedding in a Mall Food Court, and not a fancy-schmancy mall in Hollywood neither, more like a mall in, say... Reno, or Fresno CA... Orange Julius/Dairy Queen will provide the ice-cream-cone wedding cake, Sbarro's will share food catering with Hot Pot Asian cuisine, McDonald's will bestow the "bibelots" from their Happy Meals on the Bride's (dress from Hot Topic, accessories from Claire's) friends. Grooms clothes will come from Tuxedo Junction and Bridesmaids dresses from Victoria's Secret.
Shoes from Payless Shoe Barn (half-off 2nd pair!). Bridal bouquet from Michael's: it'll never wither!
Liquor will be cheap "white wine" and "rose" from a box, purchased at a nearby Walmart (tho not a part of the mall, the price was too good to pass up!) "André" will be the champagne for toasting the happy couple, with Orange Julius stepping in with complimentary OJ.

Dr.KennethNoisewater said...

I'm not a big fan of "novelty girl" back-patting.

Are all girls into weddings? Are most? I dunno. I never gave them much thought. Maybe I'm a rarity, but I kinda doubt it. But having both a vagina and enjoying MST3K is probably not *that* unusual. All's I know is that I put the MST3K sticker on my bumper, not my husband.

Weird Dave said...

You all probably wouldn't want to hear my fantasy wedding theme* but I do have a question about that wedding picture:

Is the bride shown actually supposed to be able to walk in that dress or does she just get carried in (and out) on the lounge by six well oiled Nubians?

*Hint. Zombies are not the worst part.

Scott said...

Fair enough, WD, but at least tell us this:

Are zombies the best part?

Anonymous said...

Fishpacker wedding:

Bride and groom wear matching international orange Gore-tex bib overalls, waterproof boots, wool socks, heavy flannel shirts,wool watch caps, and rubber gloves with grit embedded into the plastic.

Marriage takes place on fishing trawler. Couple married by captain. Guest list limited by law; but party favors can include joints once you've passed the three mile limit!

Catering: Boat's cook. Menu: Fresh bread, scallops over pasta, salmon fillet, fresh crab. No green stuff.

Scott said...

"Your husband is quite the catch."

"Oh believe, me, he's the deadliest catch."

(Is that show still on?)

Bill the Splut said...

Base everything on Jethro Tull's "Aqualung." Including the groom's snot.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

*Hint. Zombies are not the worst part.

Sez you. My wife will argue otherwise.

maryclev said...

that's it! we have a winner (imo)! When we renew our vows, it's gonna be a Deadliest Catch theme. We'll renew our vows on the Northwestern, with Sig Hansen officiating. In lieu of a bouquet toss, I'll be either let loose one of the crab pots, or throw the hook to bring a crap pot in...

Best. Wedding. Theme. EVER!

Weird Dave said...

Fair enough, WD, but at least tell us this:

Are zombies the best part?

That depends. How do you feel about hockey masks?

Thursday said...

Just wanted to say: that's how I got married. Graceland wedding chapel, Old Fat Elvis in scratchy polyester, Reverend Rudy, whole schtick.

It was awesome.

Chris Vosburg said...

A last add on unusual weddings, from Dummy (2002).

Heidi (Illeana Douglas) confides to Fangora (Milla Jovovich) that she's desperate to find a klezmer band for a wedding she's planning, and Fangora, punk rocker desperate for gigs, tells her that klezmer is what her band is totally about, and:

Heidi: Because every klezmer band in town is booked and I desperately need a band. But if I hire you, you have to be willing to "hora". Is that a problem?

Fangora: Oh man, at this point I'd fuck anyone.

Chris Vosburg said...

KWillow suggests: Bridesmaids dresses from Victoria's Secret.

Now we're talkin! Plus, Wocka-chicka-wocka-chicka bride's march.

Carl said...

What if I got married in a nudist colony?

Scott said...

No one here would be surprised?

Carl said...

Except when I showed up to the wedding themed wedding.

Weird Dave said...

Hey, sorta OT but doesn't Red Dawn 2012: Even More Ridiculous open tomorrow?
(The most unintentionally funny line ever uttered in a movie: The combined might of the Cuban and Nicaraguan armies.)

Chris Vosburg said...

Dave, if there's anything resembling a rule in the commenting here, it is that nothing, and I mean nothing brother, is off topic.

The Red Dawn remake, which trailer I just saw, reaffirms my belief that there are some movies which simply should not be remade.

In some cases the original simply can't be improved upon (Psycho comes to mind), but in the instant case, there simply isn't any reason to make an audience undergo the stupidity of the original with additional FX.

Fucking pointless. I'm betting that it'll do as well as the Atlas Shrugged franchise.

Chris Vosburg said...

As a last add on Red Dawn, it's also the case that the original had some serious star power drawing the audience, and the remake has probably just crushed the budding careers of several unknowns who will never be able to live down the embarrassment.

Chris Vosburg said...

As a last last add, I give you Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which propelled the acting careers of Persis Khambatta and Stephen Collins into obscurity.

I'm currently watching the movie now on the IFC channel, which has been running the lot of the Star Trek Movies all month. This, the first of them, is absolutely appalling, and the long and lingering windy walk shots of the external lighting of the Enterprise are boring the shit out of me.

And then it gets worse. The plot is, so help me, about a typographical error.

Drinking game: every time Kirk says, as a single sentence:


Also, gayest Starfleet uniforms ever!

Chris Vosburg said...

Last last last add Red Dawn 2012:

75 Million Dollars [laughing].

Larkspur said...

Hey, I'm a traditionalist. If the bride won't let me wear burlap and blood larvae, I'm saying no to any sort of bride's-maiding gig.

On a tangential note, I am developing a line of Horrible Lipsticks which may be of interest to those opting for alternatively themed empartnering events. Here is what I have so far. Some have to be read aloud. Some are probably hopelessly obtuse. Some I'd actually like to wear, although I despise lipstick on account of it gets on my teeth and also makes me look like Miss Minkin.

Come Here Rouge
Brigada Rosa
Nascent Orange
Infra Red
What A Maroon
Coral High Date
Lewd Nude
Senseless Violets
Blush Limbo

PS: I am not drunk. Also, the only non-negotiable wedding requirement for me is that I must be allowed to carry a basil bouquet.

Anonymous said...

Scott said...
"RED DAWN theme wedding:"

for a second there, I thought you said "RED DWARF theme wedding".

Which *would* be rather awesome. Especially the Chicken Vindaloo at the reception.

Scott said...

Annti is having trouble with Blogger again, and asked me to post the following comment for her:
Hey, Mary, it's Annti --- before I read your loverly article about wedding planning and other ways to piss money into the wind, I *have* to say that I THOROUGHLY enjoyed the living FUCK out of that "poll" in the doubleclick ad below this post from the "Public Advocate" fucktards!!!!!!
Please, everyone who gets THIS particular bullet in the Google Ads roulette game, PLEASE pull the fucking trigger and TAKE THEIR POLL!!! It's all about RADICAL HOMOSEXURALS & THEIR ACTIVIST AGENDA AND LETTING ***TEACHERS***, THOSE BRAZEN HUSSIES, ***TEACH*** SEXUAL EDUCATION TO YER CHIRRENS!!!!!! Do it, y'all, seriously. You will gut-laugh at these assholes, I promise you.
And yes, I signed my "full name" as required by the poll... motherfucking "JESSE collection of little shoes HELMS"!!!!!!

Poicephalus said...

I used to cram firecrackers in my Aurora models and blow them up. Admittedly, they were all airplanes.
I wonder if there is a name for the need to destroy something you have spent so long picking out, buying and constructing.

Hamish Mack said...