Saturday, May 4, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: I Led Three Lives

Due to popular demand (well, Weird Dave nudged me in the comments below, but I understand he's really popular and kind of demanding), here is this week's edition of Sundays With S.Z., one day early, featuring the first in her multipart undercover series on the underbelly of the ubermenschen.

Originally published October 13, 2003:

World O'Crap! Surfing the entire world wide web, to bring you crap wherever it may occur.

Today our usual suspects didn't have anything that inspired us, so, in a desperate attempt to find SOMETHING to write about, we tried clicking on their ads and links. And now we bring you the results:

I Was an Undercover Conservative for World O'Crap!

I started my journey into the heart of darkness ("The Horror! The horror!") by checking out some of the The Official Ann Coulter Site links. The first stop was the horrifying Young America Foundation (WARNING: every time I visit this site, my computer freezes. I suspect they have liberal-detecting software in place).

Anyway, YAF is an organization founded to help students promote conservative values and time-honored traditions like patriotism, morality, and segregation on their campuses. The most noteworthy feature of this organization for George Bush Babies is "Club 100".
Club 100 "Where activism counts!" is the conservative movement's first and only campus activist rewards program. This unique program thanks YOU for constantly striving to promote conservative ideas to your fellow students.
And just how do I subvert my fellow students?

Well, mainly by pressuring my university to invite (and pay) conservative speakers to indoctrinate my peers. But Club 100 also offers me cell leaders . . .I mean, mentors, who will guide me in my efforts to return this country to the good old days.

Club 100 Activist Mentors 
Have you ever wanted to ask a Conservative Movement leader how to attract more members to your club or how to effectively promote conservative ideas on campus? As a member, you will have opportunities to talk with some of the Movements best strategists and tacticians. Club 100’s Activist Mentors Bay Buchanan, Reginald Jones, Star Parker, Kirby Wilbur, and Floyd Brown will offer you the chance to participate in special strategy sessions and members-only receptions.
"Strategy Sessions", "evil scheming," "plotting how to turn others to the dark side": Club100 has it all! But the best thing about Club 100 is the rewards! It's like a Frequent Flyer program for Fascism!
As you host Foundation speakers and attend Foundation programs, you will receive points for your activities. As you accumulate points throughout the year, you will receive rewards for being active. Some of these rewards include books from noted conservative authors including Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, Peggy Noonan, plus conservative videos, and exclusive Foundation merchandise.
Members who tally 100 points each academic year will be invited to attend a one-of-a-kind event, the Club 100 Reagan Ranch Retreat in April 2004! Held at the El Capitan Canyon north of Santa Barbara, this all-expenses paid event brings together the nation's leading conservative student activists with the Club 100 Mentors for a unique weekend of training, discussions, and an opportunity to explore the experiences Reagan enjoyed when he spent time on his ranch.
Wow, a week of conservatism training at Reagan Ranch Retreat, where you will have an opportunity to explore the experiences Reagan enjoyed! But don't let them keep you in the BrainWashaTron too long or you'll be enjoying the experiences Reagan currently enjoys.

This all sounded so good that I submitted my application to join Club 100. If I'm admitted, I can share my stories of smiting liberals and having cake bakes for Cheney with the other Club members. But if Bob Novak blows my cover and YAF realizes I'm not really an eager young conservative named Muffy attending Oral Roberts University, I fear for my life. I'll keep you updated on this.

The next Ann-endorsed link I tried was American Patriots for True Equality, a site dedicated to honoring the victims of 9/11 by getting rid of diversity (it's what they would have wanted).
It seemed to begin as a result of 9-11-01 that a new appreciation was brought to every Americans attention, that being, the value and worth of our freedoms in this wonderful country of ours.
Even the most apathetic individual was slapped in the face with reality on that day. A day that anyone cognizant of their surroundings, will be able to recall exactly what they were doing and where they were ... on that terrible morning that was to effect all our lives in one way or another.
Truer words have never been spoken, as it WAS a day that anyone cognizant of their surroundings will be able to recall where they were. And what better way to show we value and appreciate our freedoms than by keeping others from enjoying them, by restricting immigration.
Remember when families that immigrated into our great country wanted to speak "American English" and become part of our great society? When you could telephone somewhere and not have to listen to another language before picking the "English" option? When "The American Dream" meant raising a family, securing a home and piece of property and live the American Way? There was one American culture and it was the guideline that people lived and worked and raised their Children by until beginning late in the last century when for some, "Coming to America" meant grabbing all you can, sharing a habitat with several others and "Going Back Home" with all you could loot. A majority of the immigrants today, have no respect for America, and have gotten that opinion from their own government in the countries they are emigrating from. And the sad thing is we allow it! We have to stop the illegal flow of immigrants, and drastically cut the immigrants we allow in our country legally.
Yes, remember back to prior to 1980 or so, when there was one American culture? There were no Little Italys or Chinatowns or restricted country clubs back then, dammit, for we taught our Children by the guideline of that one culture. But that all started changing when we got this new breed of immigrant who disrespects America by speaking a foreign tongue. See, the Patriots conducted a scientific survey and determined that a "majority of immigrants today have no respect for America." They're just in it for the less-than-minimum-wage jobs and the crowded living conditions! Then, when they've looted America by picking our fruit, washing our dishes, and doing our other backbreaking, smelly jobs, they'll return to their home country and talk about us in their outlandish, non-American languages. The bastards!

So, the APFTE isn't going to let any more of these foreigners into our country, because if Americans have to listen to another language on voice mail, then it means the terrorists have won.
Americas Sworn Enemies Are Usually Past or Current Recipients of "Foreign Aid" From U.S. Taxpayers, Why Do We Help Them Hate Us? The APFTE wants ALL Foreign Aid Stopped To ANY Country That Has Not Sworn An Alliance to Our Country. We must heal our wounds, and unite and fight the fanatics and those that support their actions. It is they, who are the real enemy of America - Terrorists and terrorism and let's not forget to remember the false Friends that America has generated. Those that are totally ungrateful that without our help, they would have no country to call their own. France hardly misses an opportunity to stab us in the back, and was given back to them by American Blood not once, but TWICE in the last century!
If other nations want our aid, they must swear a binding oath in which they promise to do whatever we tell them to, be properly grateful, and to love us forever. Because it is terrorists and ingrates who are the real enemy of America--so France, next time you're invaded by Germany, well, we're helping the Nazis!
Foreign and sometimes domestic Islamic "Fanatics" teach their followers that ALL Americans are "Infidels" (Unless you happen to be an American of Islamic Faith that is...) and we and our American culture is the work of the Devil, and killing us is not a sin. [snip] This terrible divisive influence on our American Culture has to be brought to light, and addressed, before the cost gets too great to pay. Freedom of religion does not give a Zealot the right to infringe on others beliefs.
The APFTE believes that No group of Americans should promote hatred towards another group of Americans.
You know, we're glad to hear you say that, APFTE, because we know of a Zealot who promotes hatred towards another group of Americans, feels that everyone who doesn't believe the way she does is an infidel (or "traitor"), and who believes that killing us is not a sin. Yes, she even said "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building." And it was her link that brought us to your page, APFTE. Maybe you should stop linking back to her site, since you're all about unity and love and stuff.

And for our last journey into the weird, bizarre, and unbalanced world of Ann's friends, we stop off at WorldNetDaily ("A Free Press for a Stupid People"), which Ann lists as a news source. It's top story today:

Ex-welfare queen exposes 'Uncle Sam's Plantation' 

It's about Star Parker (one of the mentors to the Karl Rovenkinder at Club 100), who has written a book blowing the lid off welfare, which "seems to keep the poor enslaved to poverty while the rich get richer." We can believe what Star is telling us about how state-sponsored plans harm the poor, because she used to be a lying, cheating crack 'ho! Here's her story:
Once caught up in the miserable world of welfare fraud, sex, drugs and abortion, she underwent what many have called a miraculous transformation into what she is today – one of America's leading advocates for true, faith-based success and empowerment of the nation's poor.
She recommends "personal initiative, faith, and responsibility," as a way for the underclass to "release the hold poverty holds over their lives." And since her plan will allow the Bush tax-cuts to stay in place by doing away with all that money we currently waste on social programs, WorldNetDaily is all for it! I'm sure it will work for everybody else as well as it worked for Star, and anybody who isn't well-off after reading her book just isn't trying, and so doesn't deserve any help.

WorldNetDaily also gives us Barbara Simpson, "The Babe in the Bunker" (okay, so she's got a little more meat on her bones than Ann Coulter, but I'd hardly compare her to the beloved animatronic movie pig). Today she gives us the thought piece, "Liberals Love Limbaugh's Pain." Her thesis is that liberals (whom she defines in her article as "Democrats") were so angry about Schwarzenegger being elected governor (even though said Democrats are all "celebrity whores", and so were actually glad that he won), that they are now dancing in the streets upon learning that Rush is a drug addict. Well, not a DRUG ADDICT, but just someone who's addicted to drugs. Barbara says that Rush confessed all, and asked for support and prayers.
So what does he get from the liberal media? Attacks. There's no sympathy for his medical ordeals. He's equated with street junkies and his addiction is compared to that of a guy in the alley mainlining heroin. Yes, chemically, street drugs and prescription drugs are similar and yes, the effect of opiates on the body may be the same, but liberals just miss the point. Lots of points.
The points are several of the items from my handy "Being There for Rush" list for pundits (see Saturday's entry), but chiefly the "Rush only got addicted to opiates because he used them for his PAIN, unlike the street junkie who sought out opiates for his pain one. Then Barbara delivers this stinging rebuke:
The same people who have compassion for the dregs of humanity on the street and for animals and insects cannot find an ounce of compassion for Rush. And we know why.
Because they just like animals and insects better than Rush.

And speaking of WorldNetDaily and being understanding of others, we loved yesterday's top story:
Cross-Dressing Wiccan Official Sparks Christian Mission Probe
A Christian mission serving homeless people since 1939 is under investigation for discrimination because its walls are adorned with crosses and other religious imagery. The probe was prompted by a city fair-housing investigator, who also happens to be a cross-dressing Wiccan.
See, this West Virgininian cross-dressing Wiccan did his investigation and now Charleston's Human Relations Commission is looking at the mission:
The commission voted last month to scrutinize the mission's policies, which include barring drugs and alcohol and not allowing unmarried couples to sleep in the same room. The panel, which enforces the state's fair-housing laws, is looking at allegations the mission discriminates according to religion and gender. The accusations include requiring people seeking help to reveal their spiritual beliefs, serving non-Christians in facilities with Christian imagery and making married men spend two nights under "observation" in the men's dorm before joining their spouse in the family dorm, the Daily Mail said.
The mission could wait and see what the Commission's final findings and recommendations are, and then either change their policies or stop taking Federal funds. But instead they're suing to stop the probe, which their lawyer says seeks to "put a cork in the First Amendment rights" of their pastor. The lawyer asks, "How would you like them to come into your church and tear the cross down?"

Well, since my church doesn't have a cross, I guess it would be just okay. But what I'm interested in is how WorldNetDaily (and the Pulitzer-winning Charleston Daily Mail, which is where WorldNet got their info), knew that the inspector was a cross-dressing Wiccan.

Apparently, the first clue was that he filed his report, because "Nobody, unless they had an agenda, would do this," claims the lawyer. Well, maybe a Fair Housing inspector would, if that was his job.

But somebody did a web search and found that the investigator had a website. And on that site was a piece he had written "which criticizes religious institutions for creating a culture that punishes non-traditional definitions of masculinity and femininity." Um, okay--he's a Wiccan, all right.

But how did his cross-dressing come to light? Per WorldNetDaily, "The Daily Mail said Napier occasionally dresses in women's clothes and performs as a drag queen under the stage name Miss Ilene Over." So, I guess somebody from the mission must have caught Ilene's act -- while ministering to the homeless, of couse. We await further stories about the dangers posed by cross-dressing Wiccans, and urge all of you to be on the lookout for Badly-Dressed Atheists.

So, Ann's neighborhood. A scary place to visit, but we wouldn't want to live there.

Tune in tomorrow when we infiltrate Consertative,, and National Review for Kids. If YAF hasn't terminated us by then.


Li'l Innocent said...

What gets me about Sheri's writing (and don't stop me if you've heard this before) is her incredibly consistent tone of gently bemused reasonableness. On those rare occasions when I find myself reading hateful, ignorant rightist slop, gently bemused reasonableness is not the state of mind I end up with.

Bravo, Agent S.Z., bravo! (Also, you're very funny.)

Weird Dave said...

What!? Another rerun?? (Half of me wants to put one of those little smiley face thingees here and the other half is saying, "If you do you will be banned from the internutzs for life." Think I'll listen to the other half.)

And don't make me nudge you about the Batman serial.

But I do want to point out what a rich, steamy, nougat like pile of goodness the Young America's Foundation website is.

Everything from the Club 100 bonus point system:

As you host Foundation speakers, organize Foundation activities on campus, and attend Foundation programs, you will receive points.

As you accumulate points, you will receive rewards for being active including:

books from notable conservative authors
conservative videos
exclusive Foundation merchandise

Those who earn 100 points each school year, qualify for the exclusive Club 100 Reagan Ranch Retreat.

to how they use the same three speakers at all their conferences,

to the Are You Smarter Than the Obama Administration quiz (my score? Glad you asked:

Your score is 0 .

You're probably a member of the Obama administration. You probably would've gotten more questions right picking randomly, but obviously you're vying for a spot on the administration's cabinet. It also wouldn't be too much to assume that you don't know how to pay your taxes.)
to how, ummm, white all the kids are, it just gives me hope and inspiration (that these idiots will keep on doing what they do so well).

After all these years they just keep grifting along.

Bless their hearts.

Carl said...

Club 100....I remember that!

Weird Dave said...

Although I'm not so sure about the American Patriots for True Equality website.

Weird Dave said...

Probably would be funnier if I got the tag right.

Try this:

trashfire said...

No extra points for snitching on your liberal neighbors?