Sunday, December 28, 2014

Sunday Sermonette: Pastor Swank is Brain Alive!

Originally published August 20, 2009

Political debate is all well and good, but conservative pundits has so far failed to entirely check the progress of President Obama's healthcare reform.  And why? Obviously, because they're speaking English! As any rhetorician will tell you, the only way to argue against a new policy is with new, made-up words. Enter Pastor Swank:
Thinking heads throughout the Republic are finally getting some headway, particularly regarding Obama’s Whack Non-Health Blanket.
I tried diagramming this sentence, but it wound up looking like those dick drawings that John Madden doodles on your TV screen during football games. So let’s just see if we can untangle it instead.

Okay, “[T]hinking heads” suggests that they’re disembodied, so this is probably a reference to the 1963 documentary, They Saved Hitler’s Brain.
they saved hitlers brain.jpg
This would make sense, since Obama is basically synonymous with Adolf Hitler in the public imagination. Next, “throughout the Republic,” is obviously a sly reference to the upcoming Star Wars game, The Old Republic, which is highly anticipated by conservative gamers, because Dick Cheney is a playable Sith.

“[F]inally getting some headway,” probably means it was the Pastor’s birthday, or wedding anniversary.

“[P]articularly regarding Obama’s Whack.” Swank realizes that Obama is black, and obviously feels that his point is important enough that he should attempt to communicate with the President in his native tongue, while “Non-Health Blanket” is clearly an reference to the smallpox-infected blankets the U.S. Army bestowed upon the Plains Indians, and which, according to the House bill, will now be a part of your grandmother’s Medicare benefits.

Whew. Really getting into the substance of Pastor Swank’s prose, with its rich and allusive language, is like trying to read Joyce’s Ulysses without annotations. Maybe we should just skim.
Obama is pained due to recent right-thinking citizens howling loudly and long enough. Grassroots town halls have screeched at Congress. The mob hysteriacs who voted in a celebrity rather than a free enterprise, constitution-friendly statesman are losing ground.
So the mob hysteriacs who voted for Obama are being shouted down by the new, right-thinking mob hysteriacs, who are also howling, presumably because they've seen the best minds of their generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysteriacal, naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking looking for an angry fix, because that's the only place you can get your prescription filled now thanks to Obamacare.
As for Obama wanting a Canadian cloned health-blanket, Canada’s health care stinks. My cousin needed immediate spine care. His Halifax Nova Scotia doc was brusque, mean-hearted and just plain crude in his response to my relative’s plea.
Canadians are notoriously rude to people who can’t be bothered to keep their spines in working order.
The cousin ended up at Lahey Clinic, Burlington MA, for state-of-the-art surgery that responsibly corrected the problem. Thank you, America!
Great, so we’re already paying for the health care of illegal immigrants? I demand to see an itemized bill.
Mob hysteriacs put Obama the Anti-America President in control. But as we are now realizing, the hysteriacs, though many are still loyal space cadets in the brain space, are losing hold. The ground is slowly giving way to the brain alive citizens of this country.

This isn’t a particularly good argument against health care reform, but it is, I admit, a great plot synopsis of Fiend Without a Face.
As a Christian, I believe that what is happening right now is God inserting His powerplay into societal happenings for God has a vested interest in this particular country.
Although now that God actually owes more on America than the country is worth, he’s considering just mailing the keys to the bank and walking away.
This is the only nation ever created by biblical believers seeking a land where they could worship Christ and live by the Bible.
The Crusader kingdoms don’t count, because technically they were just pre-season exhibition countries.
Those founders prayed with their blood.
Services were messy. James Madison made a point of bringing extra Wet-Naps for Benjamin Franklin, while Alexander Hamilton always wore a lobster bib to church.
Their petitions are still very much alive and well at heaven’s throne. With God, a thousand years is as a day and vice versa.
Which is why God hasn’t smote Canada; waiting 8 weeks for a hip replacement doesn’t really seem all that unreasonable to Him.
Couple the founders’ prayers with the earnest biblical believers’ cries present-tense and you have a mighty call-out to the divine going on 24 / 7. God is responding to those sincere pleas.
Through His call center in Mumbai. As the Lord sayeth, “Your earnest biblical believers’ cries are very important to Us. Please stay on the line, and your mighty call-out will be answered by the next available cherub.”
We biblical Christians have just begun to witness the divine thrust retrieving our nation for its foundation’s sake.
Hey, what you do behind closed doors is your business, Pastor.
Bonus Doghouse Riley comment:
Nice to see the Good Pastor sittin’ up and taking nourishment, since unless he’s over 65 the source of his health insurance is a Divine mystery.

Nice, too, to see the return of the ol’ “The Founders were Christian, The Founders were x, y, z” routines. Ya gotta love the Classics. Not that they ever went away, exactly, but the juxtaposition of solemn invocation of our Forebears by the denizens of the very sort of ill-informed, weed-sucking, corn-distilling mobs, the abhorrence of which was the single source of their total political agreement, reminds us that, when all seems bleak, you can always laugh at the parade of dipshits going on somewhere.

1 comment:

Meanie-meanie, tickle a person said...

“[F]inally getting some headway,” probably means it was the Pastor’s birthday, or wedding anniversary.

Since the construction is entirely wrong, I think---wait, [one ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy] yes! Pastor Swank, a Mr Freud for you on line 3...

Also too:

I believe that what is happening right now is God inserting His powerplay into societal happenings...
We biblical Christians have just begun to witness the divine thrust...

I sure hope Mr Freud isn't calling from a pay phone...