Saturday, February 23, 2013

The New Compleat Official State Religions List: Now With Flavor Crystals!

And finally, Flashback Friday brings you the culmination of S.Z.'s Official State Religions saga.  Enjoy, then call up U-Haul and get thee to a nunnery or equivalent in your newly assigned jurisdiction.  All sales are final.

In Order To Form A More Perfect Union

       We thought that the Official State Religion matter was settled.  We assumed that you'd all just convert to your state's assigned faith, or move to a state offering a religion, philosophy, or high-pressure marking scheme that you could live with.  However, your comments, plus some vital new information we have uncovered, made it seem advisable to update this for a final time, thus ensuring that the Constitution is well-served, and the Dittoheads aren't preyed upon by their cunning Zombie neighbors. 

So, on to vital new imformation: As we noted a couple of days ago, Ann Coulter recently addressed the University of NC School of Law.  She was paid $20,000 for her appearance, with the Federalist Society for Law and Public Policy Studies paying $12,000 of that.  As you may know, the Federalist Society is Ken Starr's old gang, "a group of conservatives and libertarians interested in the current state of the legal order."  It is heavily funded by "eccentric" billionaire, Richard Scaife Mellon, Ann's patron and alter-ego.  And what does this have to do with Official State Religions?  Well, the Federalist Society IS really high on states' rights, traditional values, and returning religion to public forums.  So, we're hoping that they will give us $12,000 to talk to some college about our new plan.  

But anyway, on to Ann's message to the law students: after preaching the gospel of Racial Profiling (it's key tenent: only swarthy men do bad stuff, so blonde women should be exempt from airport security checks), Ann said:
"Liberals don't think of themselves as Americans. They aren't betraying America because they don't think of America as their own country."
A rather outlandish comment on the face of it, but when you put it with other things which Ann has said in the past, it all points to her advocacy of our Official States Religion plan.

You see, back in 2001, Ann said (in the seminal Disestablish the Cult of Liberalism ):
It's well past time for liberalism to be declared a religion and banned from public schools.
We're told the First Amendment requires a separation of church and state, which, just as an incidental matter, is completely false. The whole point of the Constitution is to separate the federal government from the individual. In keeping with the general theme, the First Amendment provides that Congress cannot establish a religion -- but nor can it stop the states from establishing religions.
It's hard to imagine now, but before the official government religion was liberalism -- devoted to class warfare, ethnic hatred and intolerance -- Americans were kind to one another. They managed to get along even without ACLU lawsuits.
So, Ann has previously advocated the establishment of official state religions, and she's already recognized "Liberalism" as the nation's first official religion.  And under Ann's plan, each state gets to make its own laws on "important" issues so eventually everybody feels more loyalty to the state than to the nation.  Ann was just using her patented technique of "lying" when she told the law students that this has happened, and liberals don't feel America is their country anymore.

But now the question becomes: which state gets Liberalism for its official religion.  I have to say New York.  Mainly because that's where Ann lives, and it would annoy her no end.  But also because New York is our third most populous state, and from the way Ann carries on, EVERYBODY is a liberal (and a traitor) but her, and so Liberalism should get one of bigger states, population-wise. 

Also, per Ann, before Liberalism became an official religion, everybody was nice to each other.  I think Ann would approve of making the rest of the country kinder by segregating all of the liberals in New York, where Ann should show them how tolerance, kindness, and civility are done. 

(Note to Albany: State boundaries are elastic, so if New York State isn't big enough for all of you, take whatever territory you need -- the other states, being non-liberal, and therefore polite and kind, will give you whatever you want.)  

And if we are giving Liberalism its own state, then it seems only fair to give a territory to Conservatism.  But if we don't, it's just because we're liberals, and widely known for our evil.

Also, while looking up Ann stuff, we came upon this quote in a piece advocating Roy Mooreism (Rocks Vs Trees) :
Those most basic of rights exist outside of, beyond and prior to any government.  They are unalienable, and come from their (all citizen's) creator.  In a word, God.  The God of the Jews, the Moslems, the Christians and a number of other faiths.  (If you worship trees, feel free to imagine that they gave you your inalienable rights.  But, if your tree religion forces you to demand the removal of a symbol related to those faiths listed above, then to provide equal justice for all we must remove all trees from public property.  Besides removing the trees from all the courthouse lawns in every city, and pulling them out by the roots from every state, county and city park, that would include clearcutting every square foot of every national park in America.)
So, if those hypothetical Tree Worshippers demand the removal of ANYTHING, especially Roy's Rock, this guy has a plan to fix 'em GOOD!  And this reminded us that we hadn't included Druidism on our list.

Okay, now on to your comments, and my concessions to your brilliance, logic, and wit:
Thanks so much from a Washington resident! When asked, I say I'm a non-believer. When pressed to dissemble, I say "Frisbetarian" - I believe when you die your soul gets caught on the roof and no one can get it down. -- Phil
LOL, Phil.  I'm adding Frisbetarian as an alternate Washington State religion (in case people want to believe in something, but something light--Frisbetarian can be kind of like the Jell-O of religions, in that there's always room for it.
Wouldn't Utah just naturally be the Mormons? -- twig • 
Oh wait, same thing. Sorry, blame 7 am. -- twig •
Hey, no problem, Twig.  We thought the same thing, when we were first assigning the religions, but it got too hard, and that's why we relied on SCIENCE! to do the job for us.  Since the Mormons do have a lot of stuff (food storeage, geneology, Temple Square) in Utah, they might want to do some kind of religion swap, so they didn't have to move it all.  (The Mormons would get Utah, and the Seventh-Day Adventists would get Indiana).  We'll see how this plays out.
1. Haven't you missed out the Muslims? Perhaps they could have Guam.
2. Couldn't you put the Catholics and the lapsed Catholics a little closer? Florida to Alaska is such a long way to move when you lapse.

3. Rastafarianism for Wyoming is just...perfect. -- Diane
I SWEAR, the Muslims did have a State when I started the list.  Somebody must have invaded them and converted them to Christianity.  (Ann Coulter, please report to the principal's office.)  I'll make sure they're on the list this time, though.

And good point about the distance you have to travel if you lapse from Catholicism.  We could give the Lapsed Catholics the neighboring state of Georgia (I think Ivan would find them humorous enough), but we don't want to ENCOURAGE lapsing by making it too easy, now do we?  We'll have to think about this for a minute. 
1. "Haven't you missed out the Muslims? Perhaps they could have Guam." 
Forget that. I just remembered that under Patriot II all Muslims will probably be jailed or deported anyway, so won't need a state. Maybe give Guam to the Promise Keepers instead? -- Diane •
Diane, you're right about the Patriot Act, but this still just doesn't seem fair.  I still want to give the Muslims something.  And the Promise Keepers too, since they did have that Six Million-Dollar Man rally and everything, which shows that they believe strongly in bionics.  Maybe we could give them the Silicon Valley portion of Christian California.
So...the price for Texas getting football is that we have to take Bush back? Couldn't you just give us the Scientologists? -- Pete
Pete, buddy, I feel your pain, but SOMEBODY has to have him.  But I did some research and found that the State of Texas GOP Platform of 2002 included the following aims:
Dispel the "myth" of the separation of church and state.   
Oppose any form of gun control
Since Secular Humanism is recognized by the United States Supreme Court as a religion ... Secular Humanism should be subjected to the same state and federal laws as any other recognized religions. 
So, since Texas is apparently the only state where Republicans are making it a goal to recognize Secular Humanism as a religion, I think it's only fair to make it Texas's NEW official State Religion.  Along with Gun Worship.  We'll find somewhere else for Bush, though -- we don't trust him around guns.
Actually having spent some time in Alaska and having friends from there. The state religion in Alaska should be guns, guns, and more guns. Charleton Heston could be the high priest. You've never seen so many street signs with bullet holes until you visit Alaska.  Great state. Gun crazy people.  -- JimJ
Hmm, I bow to experience here.  Okay, Texas has to give Gun Worship to Alaska, but in return, Texas gets Football back.  But I'll still find somewhere other than Texas for Bush.

Scott provides us with many interesting ideas:
Ann's Words O' Wisdom: "[snip] States and localities would be free to sculpt themselves into whatever kind of place the denizens prefer. If an individual feels unduly oppressed by those laws, he can move."

Plainly, Ann's vision of the future includes an America similar to 18th century Italy: a patchwork of Principalities, duchies, papal holdings and city-states. We're going to have to revise our national motto (Version 2.0 will probably read: "E Unum Pluribus") but now we won't be limited to awarding entire states to religious sects.

For instance, if Hollywood becomes a Venetian-style republic, then they can get the Scientologists. This is convenient, because the Hubbardites already own 60% of the buildings on Hollywood Boulevard anyway, and because it will keep them within easy extortion distance of their flock, i.e., bone-headed celebrities.
Cool!  I was wondering what to do with the Scientologists ever since Pete brought them up.  They can have a Scientologist Duchy in Hollywood. 

Also, when reading the blurb for Laura Ingrahams new book, Shut Up, Bitch, I noted that it reveals much about the all-powerful elites, including the following:
"Entertainer" Madonna: how she and other figures revered by the elites implicitly (and often explicitly) establish themselves as their own gods.
So, since Hollywood seems to be the center of this phenomenon, maybe the Scientologists will have to share their turf with a pluralistic religion which features a pantheon of celebrities who have established themselves as their own god (and the god of their obsessive fans).  We see this as similar to classic Greek mythology, in that there is a bevy of gods and godesses to reflect any particular taste and lifestyle, and the attributes of these god and goddesses are changeable over time.  For example, Madonna used to be Aphrodite, goddess of sex, but has recently remade herself into a Hera-like goddess of hearth, home, and lesbian kissing. 

So, each god or goddess will have his or her own small cult, just like they do now, and when these gods fall from favor and are no longer worshipped, they will have to move, probably to athesistic Idaho.

Scott adds:
So I think S.Z. should feel free to draw new and arbitrary borders through and between the states, regardless of history, traditional affiliations, or demographics.  Look how well it worked out when the British did it in the Middle East and Africa.

Speaking of which, since Iraq is on it's way to becoming the 51st state, we'll need to assign them a religion. Something fresh and kicky. Something that requires worshipping Tom Jones, or wearing a beret and Danskin on days of Holy Obligation. That way, when the Christians of California conquer Nevada, the refugee Las Vegans will be able to move to Iraq. The climates are similar, and because of the lax firearms laws in Nevada, the refugees will be comfortable with the easily availability of automatic weapons.
I like it!  And since we are spending, like $60 billion to rebuild Iraq, we should own them at the end (much like how those "Rent to Own" appliance places finally let you keep something after you've paid five times what it's worth).  And Iraq should be FORCED to become a state, so the Iraqis will have to pay taxes and eventually repay the $60 billion (they can keep the Halliburton and other administration-connected company consultants as our free gift to them).  I like Scott's idea for their Official Religion too: I don't know if Show Girls is a religion yet (it DOES have a cult following, of course), but unless I can think of something better, that can be their new faith.
Hold up. First, I have to know if the Mormons will be able to reinstate polygamy. And if my Senior Wife won't go along with that we'll have to sell our house to some Latter-Day Saints, who, it is well known, travel with a copy of the Ten Commandments and a $20 bill and don't break either. Then we'll have to move somewhere with a higher cost of living and a different cable system. I'm gonna need some Federal assistance. Or do I have to move to Iraq for that? -- Doghouse Riley
Of course the Mormons will be able to reinstate polygamy.  Ann Coulter encourages, nay DEMANDS, that each state, county, or Neighborhood Watch make it's own laws based on whatever it believes.  However, the Mormons may choose not to do it, since they're kind of out of practice, and have too many kids already. 
By telling them about my recently introduced "Swapping States" policy, maybe you can get the Mormons and the Seventh-Day Adventists to trade.  However, the Seventh-Day Adventists are equally strict about stuff, adding eating meat to the list of "Thous Shalt Nots", so possibly you're better off with the Mormons -- they are indeed a thrifty people, and not a lot of fun at parties, but they do make a mean Jell-O salad. 

And as to the Federal assistance, I don't think Ann Coutler would approve (she's against all forms of public assistance).  So, you'll just have to show your self-reliance by either robbing a gas station or getting a large grant from the Federalist Society. 
I think we need to give Delaware to the Muslims. Here is my reasoning: even if Patriot II jails many of the non judeo-christians, a significant portion of Muslims will still be free. Why? Because Ashcroft's "Justice" Department will have also filled the jails with Sikhs, Latinos, Mormons and Amway reps all of whom are occasionally mistaken for Muslim. Since many, many Muslims are caucasian and thus will escape the internal sweeps of the department of "Justice" they need a state. Delaware makes the most sense since it is close to the eastern airports which will facilitate the pilgrimages to Mecca.  Also, they will (eventually) get along quite well with their neighbors, the Evangelicals (Penn), Southern Baptists (NJ) and the Eastern Orthodox (MD).  I'd say that the addition of the Muslims would make that a vibrant corner in the nation, leading to the establishment of wonderfully diverse theological colleges, and to the eventual opening of coffeehouses on every corner.

The Jedis? Since theirs is an asexual crowd of boys/men (similar to the Shakers) I think they should be sent either to Guam (where, at least, the fresh air and sun will do them good) or to Iowa to learn new ceremonies and meditation techniques from the Hindus. I think the Jedis and Hindus would hit it off pretty well, and help to develop each other's beliefs in new and interesting ways.

update--when I said the Shakers are similar to the Jedis, I meant in that they are asexual, not that Shakers are all men.  The difference is that Shakers do not have sex by choice. -- chica toxica
Chica has brought up several excellent points.  I defer to her wisdom regarding the Muslims, and hereby give them Delaware.  And I agree that the Hindus and the Jedi would make fine roommates.  As Chica said, they can teach each other meditation techniques and mind tricks ("Those aren't the nuclear weapons you're seeking.  Move along").  And since we didn't give the Shakers any territory (and they do make such nice furniture), they can share Iowa with the Jedi and Hindus (they shouldn't take up much room, since they practiced asexuality all too well).  But they have to promise to help the Jedi master that chastity thing, because we all know what happened with Anakin defied Jedi law and did it with Senator Amidala--yes, we got the promise of another crappy Star Wars movie to look forward to.
Native American is the old religion on Maine; we saved the upkeep on a church and paying a minister by communing with the Great Spirit, Miller's, in the woods. But sadly, the current religion of Maine is coffee brandy, marijuana, and oxycotin. We're trying to get us some casino gambling, so at least our folks have a chance to work the twenty-dollar blow job game. -- Tabitha King •
Tabitha, I feel your pain.  We'll see if there is any remedy available to your state, like eliminating the state tax on Millers, once it becomes your Official State Sacrament.   Or maybe we could make it an alternate State Religion, and you could get corporate sponsorship.
So we get Idaho now? Sweet. I wasn't really looking forward to Mississippi. Plus, in Idaho I'll be right next door to Wyoming and the Rastafarians, ensuring a ready supply of quality...reggae. Yeah, that's it, love that reggae music. But the drive would be complicated by having to avoid all the Dittoheads wandering aimlessly in the streets, unsure of what to do, think, or say while their god is in the slammer. Couldn't we cut off a portion of some other state for them? How about the north woods of Maine? According to Tabitha, OxyContin is already part of the religion, so it should be an easy move. -- Dave
Now, now, Dave--nobody wants the Dittoheads in their backyard, but they have to live somewhere (or DO they?)  While your idea of letting them loose in a state where OxyContin is plentiful is tempting, from what Tabitha said, Maine has enough problems with their own rednecks there.  But I'll see what I can do about moving the Dittoheads for you, because once their leader is gone, being unaccustomed to thinking for themselves, they'll inevitably get fleeced by the telemarketers in neighboring Montana, and eaten by the Zombies of North Dakota.
Wait, wait, wait!!! As a lapsed Catholic I have to protest! Yes, we worry about burning in hell, but Dante says the center of the Inferno is a block of ice, so you can't put us in Alaska! We need a nice, temperate, limbo sort of state. Something like Maryland. -- susan •
Hmm, you make a valid point about Dante and stuff.  And I guess Maryland IS far away enough from Florida to keep people from lapsing out of convenience.  Okay, Maryland is yours--I'll find someplace further East for the Eastern Orthodox.
As a Canadian, I bitterly resent being left out of these proceedings. Being Canadian, as you well know, IS a very popular religion and I think it only fair you grant the thousands of us you have so callously ignored up till now a piece of land we can call our own. Wait a minute .... -- Alison
Wow, we have left out the Canadians, and that wasn't very kind of us (gee, you'd almost think we were LIBERALS or something).  And yes, Canadianism IS a popular religion (well, some call it a cult), and it does promote many positive values, such as politeness, decency, not littering, and alternative spelling.  Okay, you guys can have a state--well, you'll have to SHARE a state, 'cause we're running out.  I'll try to find you one of the less-developed ones, so you'll feel right at home.  Well, to make you feel right at home, well give you two states--one for the English speakers, and one for the French speakers.
In the interest of completeness, and to avoid possible misunderstandings at a later date, I think it would be best to establish religions for all of the US's territories, as enumeratedhere: .
Incidentally, I think it would be cool to have a Taoist state. Cheers! -- GeoX
EXCELLENT, GeoX.  I was running out of places to put some of these weirdos (not to cast aspersions on the Canadians or anything).  This gives us additional creative scope too.  Thanks!  In return for your bounty, you will have your Taoist state.

And while implementing all of your suggestions, I thought of some other groups who needed homelands too, and added them to the list.

So, with no further ado, I give you:

The New IMPROVED Official State Religion List

1.  California:                 Christian, but within its borders will be the Independent Hubbardite Duchy of Hollywood, and the Cult of Fame (centered in the Los Angeles area), with its many temples devoted to the worship of various actors, pop stars, and other celebrities
2. Texas:                        Secular Humanism, Football
3. New York:                 Liberalism
4. Florida:                      Catholic 
5. Illinois:                      Protestantism
6. Pennsylvania:            "Born again" or "evangelical"
7. Ohio:                          Evangelical (theologically),  Avon
8. Michigan:                   Methodist, United Methodist Church
9. New Jersey:              Baptist, Southern Baptist
10. Georgia:                   Judaism
11. North Carolina:        Sikhism, Mimes
12. Virginia:                   Presbyterian, Lord of the Ringism
13. Massachusetts:        Eastern Orthodox
14. Indiana:                   Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons)
15. Washington:            Non-religious, Frisbetarians
16. Tennessee:              gay/lesbian
17. Missouri:                  Episcopalian, Satanists
18. Wisconsin:               Lutheran, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
19. Maryland:                 Lapsed Catholics
20. Arizona:                   Pentecostal
21. Minnesota:              Buddhist
22. Louisiana:               Non-denominational
23. Alabama:                 French Speakers , French Speaking Canadians
24. Colorado:                Megachurch attendance, Sports (non-football denomination)
25. Kentucky:                Jehovah's Witnesses
26. South Carolina        United Church of Christ, Martha Stewartentalism
27. Oklahoma:              Mennonite Church USA
28. Oregon:                   agnostic, Druids
29. Connecticut             Churches of Christ
30. Iowa:                       Hindu, Jedi, Shaker
31. Mississippi:              Baha'i, Harry Potter-style Witchcraft
32. Kansas:                    Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)
33. Arkansas:                 Unitarian Universalist
34. Utah:                        Seventh-day Adventists
35. Nevada:                   Neo-pagan (incl. Wiccans)
36. New Mexico:            Church of the Nazarene
37. West Virginia:          Reformed Church in America (RCA); Zenith, Magnovox
38. Nebraska:                Zoroastrianism, Regular-speaking Canadians
39. Idaho:                      Atheists
40. Maine:                      Native American Religionists, Millerites (Who want to remind you, It's Always Miller Time!)
41. New Hampshire:      Libertarian party members
42. Hawaii:                     Deism
43. Rhode Island:           Weight Watchers
44. Montana:                  Amway, Herbal Life, Telemarketers
45. Delaware:                Muslims
46. South Dakota:          Royites, Moonies.
47. North Dakota:          Zombies, Excommunicated Royites
48. Alaska:                     Gun Worshippers United (led by Charleton Heston)
49. Vermont:                  Ba'al
50. District of Columbia: primal-indigenous
51. Wyoming:                Rastafarianism
Guam:                              Taoism
Iraq:                                 Showgirlism
American Samoa:            Palm Pilotism 
Johnston Island/Atoll:    Promise Keepers
Midway Island:                Jewish Mysticism, as practiced by ditsy celebrities
N. Mariana Islands:         Dittoheads
Panama Canal Zone:       Mel Gibsons Passion of Christ-ites         
Puerto Rico:                    UFOlogy
U.S. Virgin Islands:         Conservatives
Wake Island:                  George Bush

Well, there you have it.  I hope everybody can find something to their liking on this list, and either convert to it or move to it's assigned location by 1 January, because that's what makes America great: The Constitution.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Which religion worships spam?

Yastreblyansky said...

Most likely it is a cargo cult of some kind. Maybe luncheon meat in general rather than spam in particular. I note that the first anon does prophecy, so maybe they are just ordinary Mormons or snake handlers or whatever.

Chris Vosburg said...

Greetings from the Hubbardite Duchy of Hollywood.

Back in the seventies, a friend who lived in an apartment on Franklin Avenue across from Castle Scientology got a bit behind on his electricity bill, and when LADWP pulled the plug on him, he came up with a cunning plan:

In a crafty piece of wirework reminiscent of Barney Collier's efforts in Mission Impossible, he ran cable across the street and tapped into the Castle's power mains, effectively making Scientology pay for his power needs for the next several years.

Sondra said...

Whoa and hang on there sloopy. You have given we Jews Georgia but as a Reform Jew I don't think it's fair to lump us together with the Orthodox and the Conservative Jews.

And besides, we already have condos in Florida and the economy being what it is, we cannot afford to leave.

Not to mention little Annie C lives in Palm Beach and votes here in several different precincts. How will you work this out?

Woodrowfan said...

Virginia is Presbyterian? Works for me. I live there already and I'm Presbyterian. The Frozen Chosen baby!

heydave said...

I see that S.Z. gave Iowa Shakers... this must have been quite prescient, predicting Chuck Grassley's oratorical style.

Anonymous said...

Misissippi still looks pretty good (First time that's ever been said...)
Good call for the Promise Keepers. Johnston Island is, IIRC, largely just a chemical weapons dump.