Monday, August 26, 2013

Nigerian Oil Minister Wants You to Read His Movie Review

By now, most people who follow me on Twitter know that I have a terrible sense of direction and they're really better off getting one of those GPS things and just meeting me there, but also that I write a semi-daily feature called "Spam as a 2nd Language." Which is why I spend an inordinate amount of time rooting through my email spam folder (something I have in common with the NSA), and today I discovered, amongst the usual come-ons for "NASA Doctors" who can "reverse Brain Age","'Fruit Pills' that melt fat," and Daily Caller articles that "really make sense!", a movie review from Jason Miller.  Not the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright of "That Championship Season,"nor even Jason "Mayhem" Miller, the MMA fighter and reality TV show host; no, I'm talking about the Jason Miller: Doctor of Divinity, Doctor of Philosophy, and a Revd.
The Clergy Killer's DNA
Run Time: 93 minutes
4 1/2 Stars
REVIEWBy: Revd. Jason Miller, D.D., Ph.D. 
4 1/2 stars does sound like a pretty impressive score. Unfortunately, like most super-patriotic film critics (his email is spoofed from ""), the Revd uses a scale of 1 to 50 stars, just like the American flag.
BETRAYED: The Clergy Killer’s DNA is an extraordinary Christian Film that happens to be a documentary.
Really?  Can something as complex as a documentary just "happen"?  Scientists will tell you that the odds against such a random event occurring naturally are astronomical, and many believe it's much more likely to be the result of some sort of "intelligent design."  Or at least I did, until I saw this movie.
BETRAYED represents an art of cinematography that collects interviews with today’s leading theologians, ministers and preachers in breathtaking sequences explaining the Clergy Killer Phenomenon. 
Now some of you folks may be under the impression that "cinematography" is the "art of shooting motion pictures" and yes, sure, that's an art of cinematography, but filmmaking professionals like the Revd and I know there are many different arts of cinematography.  Some of them involve collecting interviews.  Some of them involve collecting novelty shotglasses or commemorative plates from the Franklin Mint.  The important thing -- the thing that makes it an art, and not just journeyman cinematography -- is to collect the right thing at the right time, which is where the Revd's expertise really helps to maximize the return on your investment.  Because the Bradford Exchange predicts that these collections of interviews with leading theologians, ministers and preachers may increase in value by over 40 percent!
US Films has produced a perfect documentary that was shot and lit in churches around the world
Shot and lit?!  You know your cinematographer is an artist when he instinctively grasps the concept of using light to expose film.
 and the film shows the struggles it took to get that perfect look. 
A long and bitter struggle, since they had to find the light switch in the dark, which led to several stubbed toes.
While watching this film, I felt every physical, spiritual and mental emotion possible.
Embarrassment?  Paranoia?  Existential nausea?  At what point in the film did you achieve erection (I just want to make sure I don't pick the wrong moment to run to the Mens Room)?
BETRAYED it is a Christian cinematic treasure. 
With any luck, some pirates will bury it.
A great documentary that concentrates on the real unsung heroes of our Christian Faith! 
Okay!  Although...given how many ministers and preachers pop up on the TV (and not just on Sunday, like back in the days of Fulton Sheen, Oral Roberts, and Garner Ted Armstrong), I'm not exactly sure I'd call them "unsung."  Nevertheless, if they feel they're suffering from a lack of musical encomiums, I'm sure we arrange with the Swing Choir to sing something in their honor at the next Folk Mass.
BETRAYED is the equivalent of our walk with Christ in troubling times facing the church today.A special feature on the DVD is a prayer by Dr. James Forbes that was shot in the Riverside Church in New York.
Was it lit there too?  I hear that makes a potent combination.
 While I was watching Dr. Forbes prayer I found myself praying with him for every minister and lay person in the world. The film rates 4 1/2 stars. If you have not been confronted with a Clergy Killer in your congregation, you need to watch this film. If you have been confronted with a Clergy Killer you need to watch this film.
If you think the title sounds more like a Roger Corman film from 1987 about a policewoman (Kay Lenz) going undercover as a topless dancer in a desperate effort to track down a defrocked priest (Greg Evigan) who's gone on a killing spree through L.A.'s seamy strip clubs, then you don't actually need to watch this film.
BETRAYED is the best protection you can buy for employment security and to ensure that your church continues to grow in the faith and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
That should be the film's tagline:  "It's Not Just A Movie! It's Also A Tax-Deferred Annuity!"
Shouldn't there be a colon instead of a slash there, Revd?  Or are you planning to start off recounting the plot, draw me in, then BETRAY me halfway through by switching to a description of the way Miley Cyrus twerked on Robin Thicke at the VMAs?  Huh?  Didn't think I'd realize what you were up to, but your punctuation BETRAYED you!

Oh, Irony, thou art a cruel mistriss.
 BETRAYED the film confirms that there is a pandemic stretching around the globe at an alarming rate, one of which most people are unaware even exists. It is a spiritual sickness that affects over 50% of all congregations, and every month it is responsible for over 1,500 clergy leaving active ministry worldwide. It has been one of the best kept secrets of the Church until the filming of Betrayed: A Clergy Killer's DNA.
That doesn't really grab me, sorry.  If the pandemic was turning your congregations into zombies, and the clergy were leaving active ministry because their churches are filled with mindless ravening cannibals and they've got to get to high ground, then I might go see your movie.
Medical experts, leading theologians, sociologists, psychologists, psychiatrists and church historians expose what is called the "Clergy Killer Phenomenon."
The "Abortion Doctor Killer Phenomenon" actually involves people getting, you know...killed, but nobody's going to shoot and light a documentary about that, so by all means let's invest two hours of our lives watching drama queen clergy go on long, Swaggarty weeping jags about how they're unappreciated.
 The reality of "the clergy killer phenomenon" is that evil has found a great vulnerability in organized religion. 
You say "vulnerability," I say "business plan."
 Among the many professionals interviewed is Dr. G. Lloyd Rediger, who coined the "clergy killer" phrase and is the world's premier authority on this growing syndrome. Some people, upon hearing the term for the first time, think it is too harsh and extreme and that no one deserves being called a clergy killer.
Except maybe those four dudes from Murder in the Cathedral.
 However, once people hear firsthand accounts of the devastation wreaked upon ordained men and women and their families and congregations, they understand comments from people like Dr. James Forbes, Senior Pastor Emeritus of Riverside Church in New York City, who say that the term "clergy killer" is not strong enough! 
Dr. Forbes coined the phrase "clergy fucker-upper," but admits he's just tossing out ideas off the top of his head.

Anyway, Revd, I gather you think we should all set aside some time to watch this important film?
There is no more time!
Yeah, I guess you're right.  Dance Moms is gonna be on in like an hour, and I haven't even started the laundry.


Anonymous said...

GASP ! Was it Teh Demons what dun it?

Carl said...

Can something as complex as a documentary just "happen"?

No, but since no one but God can make an "extraordinary Christian film"...

Cole said...

A long and bitter struggle, since they had to find the light switch in the dark, which led to several stubbed toes.

Would a True Christian DocuMan use a mere THEORY of electronicity to make light, or pray and wait for Gawd to Let There Be Light?!

Not sure if I'd risk exposing myself to a film that used Science to make itself--even if it is an art.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


You carry the D...

Helmut Monotreme said...

So... WTF is a clergy killer? I assume it cant be a serial killer preying on the ministers in our midst, cause that would totally make the news.

Weird Dave said...

Well, the Stressed Clergy Association seem pretty happy with it. So there's that.

Dr.BDH said...

"So... WTF is a clergy killer?"

Altar boys?

Chris Vosburg said...

Clergy Killer,
Qu'est que c'est?
Fuh fuh fa fuh fuh fuh fuh fa fa.

Li'l Innocent said...

I arced over to the Stressed Clergy website -- kind of interesting, really. Apparently many clergypeople feel they are being systematically bullied by members of their congregations who want them o.u.t. Which put me in mind of some stuff I've read about the pressures on Protestant ministers of various stripes back in Colonial times in New England. It took guts, diplomacy, and fortitude to win over and stay solid with a congregation back then, in an atmosphere where the "laity" felt they had just as much potential for a direct line to Jehovah. Ministers got canned all the time. I don't know if they were bullied in "sanctuaries, parking lots and administrative offices" as the BETRAYED website says the modern evil-abettors do, but it can't have been a picnic dealing with some of those nutty New England sectarians and schismatics.

Stacia said...

While watching this film, I felt every physical, spiritual and mental emotion possible.

Whelp, looks like I gotta hang up the ol' typewriter, no use writing any more reviews now! All that can be said, has been said.

Also, Netflix doesn't have Stripped to Kill for rental, so basically life isn't worth living.