Nanny Business Owner Available for Interviews & Editorial CommentsAnd now, as promised, a Special Comment by Phoebe Figalilly on NSA datamining...
My name is Ken Myers and I am a leader in the nanny industry."Which ought to be enough to tell you I'm a ruthless s.o.b. who should not be fucked with! I climbed over the bloody, beaten corpses of Giles French, Maria von Trapp, Nanny McPhee, and Charles in Charge to reach the pinnacle of Nannydom, and I will cut the next Inverness cape-wearing bitch who questions my authority!"
Our network of nanny sites includes eNannySource.com, GoNannies.com, and NannyPro.com.Also WithAHeyNannyNannyAndAHotChaCha.xxx.
Combined we have over 1.5 million caregivers and family members (and growing).Granted, some of that growth is due to our customers impregnating our caregivers, but when your client list includes Jude Law and Robin Williams, you've just got to budget for that kind of thing.
I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that if you ever need an industry expert for an interview or quote I would be interested in helping.I appreciate the offer, Ken, but World O' Crap is pretty exacting when it comes to our standards for dry nurse-related expert commentary, so I hope you won't mind if I check your bona fides. First, let's visit your Twitter profile, which you kindly linked in the email:
As a Christian, father, husband, and entrepreneur, I have combined my passion for helping families find nannies with technology to build a really fun business!I don't know what sort of technology Ken brings to child care, but I really hope it doesn't include the robotic Robin Williams nanny from Bicentennial Man...
Anyway, Twitter can only tell us so much (unless Ken has a Carlos Danger-esque alter ego and an interesting Flickr account), so let's check out LinkedIn:
To my embarrassment, I've never heard of "Upper Iowa University," but then most people don't recognize my degree from "Upper Volta University," especially since they changed the name to Burkina Faso.
Anyway, I'm sure Upper I (Go Fightin' Pronouns!) well prepared Ken for his previous position at CollegeDegrees.com, which appears to be some sort of clearing house for online diploma mills that are totally unlike the completely legitimate UIU (if their school song isn't a Xena-like ululation, they're missing a good cross-promotional merchandising opportunity).
CMN.com seems to be a fake Consumer Reports that pretends to offer disinterested advice to people looking for insurance, internet services, or computer dating, before funneling them to sites like...CollegeDegrees.com. WhiteFence is a more impressive credit, however, since they're easily the oldest established street gang in East L.A. (I assume Ken was "jumped out" when he stopped spray-painting the gang's familiar XIII symbol around town, and began tagging everything with the Ichthys.)
Back to the email pitch:
It's very important to me to provide accurate information about our industry and to keep innovating as we find new and better ways to match caregivers with families across the U.S. and around the World.Among our latest innovations, we've ceased to hire trolls as nannies, since our state of the art metrics show they are 37% more likely to steal an unbaptized baby and replace it with an enchanted piece of wood.
You can read more about me @KenneyMyers or you can communicate with me via email or give me a call if that works better for you.You seem like an earnest, sincere, if unsolicited guy, Ken, so it pains me to tell you that what works best for me is publishing your spam email on my obscure blog and treating it with indecorous levity. But if I ever have kids and find myself in need of reliable, unbiased advice on child care, I will definitely consider seeking it from a shadowy man who claims to secretly control the national nanny industry much as John Gotti once controlled cement contracting in the Tri-State area.