Saturday, April 4, 2015

There's Not Enough Wild Turkey in the World to Wash This Down

Hey guys, it's been awhile since we've checked in with defrocked Psycho Therapist (and Chris Vosburg's secret girlfriend) Robin of Berkeley. As you may recall, in the past she's been tormented by liberals, bicycles, lesbians who gave her hard looks, and a homeless guy who stepped on a bug, completely putting her off her Pinkberry. Well, now it's roving gangs of feral turkeys, which are taking over the town much the same way liberal academics have taken over the gown. 
The Wild Turkeys of Berkeley 
There are a whole lot of turkeys in Berkeley. No, I’m not being snarky.
I took that for granted, Robin, since "turkey" hasn't generally been deployed as an insult since the 1970s, and even then you often had to go to experts, like Huggy Bear or Earl Holiman from Police Woman, to hear it used properly in a sentence.
We have real, live feral turkeys all over the place, in people’s yards, the streets, and public parks. Before you think, “Oh, how cute,” let me tell you that these creatures are problem children. They poop all over the place; they squawk at all hours of the day and night. And even worse, they have come to rule the roost by blocking traffic.
This may not pose more than a minor inconvenience to the average citizen, but I bet it's a huge pain in the ass for Dracula. Just imagine how difficult it is to create the proper atmosphere for your guests if the "children of the night" are not wolves, but turkeys, and the "beautiful music they make" sounds less like souls howling in torment, and more like an ice cream truck playing "Turkey in the Straw."

Face it, uncompromising diversity initiatives by the Berkeley municipal government have led directly to policies that are anti-vampire (a clear case of class warfare) and objectively pro-turkey.
These wild turkeys cause near car accidents every day, as they obstruct traffic, refusing to back up even if cars come close by. With menacing looks, the turkeys will block in drivers, even attack cars. I’ve seen drivers try to back up, while turkeys move towards them, barricading the poor driver in his car.
Apologies to PETA, but if you're being intimidated by a thuggish turkey standing in front of your car, an obvious solution presents itself, and it doesn't involve backing up.
Once I saw a female driver so locked in by turkeys outside of my house that I ran out to help her. Wielding a broomstick, I gestured and yelled at the turkeys. They eyed me aggressively before finally flying away. 
When I was a kid I was a big fan of Magnus, Robot Fighter...
...but even those two-fisted, action-packed yarns don't hold a candle to the pulp-style heroics of Robin, Turkey Tackler!
The woman, by then scared to death, thanked me profusely and added, “I’m from out of town. How do you live like this?” (Something, by the way, that I ask myself everyday.)
See, this passage works on two levels, because Berkeley is infested with turkeys and also liberal university professors, and they both poop on the hood of your Audi.
Now, the burning question is why are these “wild” turkeys no longer wild? Why is the only wild thing an older woman (me) hollering like a maniac outside of my house?
Well Robin, I'd say that's not a question that requires an answer so much as a diagnosis.
Why have these turkeys become so brazen in an urban area? 
It's an old story, Robin. How're you gonna keep 'em down on the farm now that they'd seen Berkeley? Turkeys of yesteryear may have been content with the barnyard and the Thanksgiving axe, but the instant they hit the big city they begin rouging their knees and rolling their stockings.
The critters have obviously been coddled and protected for so long, that they are in charge, not the humans. 
We brought this on ourselves.
Now, my story of the Wild Turkeys of Berkeley is not only a true tale, but a metaphor.
I dunno, Robin. Based on past performance, it's probably not the former, and if you have to tell us it's the latter, then it's either not a metaphor, or it was damaged in transit.
 Because the turkey example applies not just to animals, but to many humans around here — and most everywhere — who have lost their natural, inborn fears. People, just like creatures, act in anti-social ways partly because they are allowed to.
Freed of the civilizing effects of phobias and inhibitions, man returns to a state of nature, sounding his barbaric gobble-gobble over the rooftops of the world, blocking legal parking spaces, and defecating fearlessly into the Assorted Snuggle Remnants bin in Jo-Anne Fabric.
Since anything goes around here, teens will curse and act unruly in public even if grown-ups are nearby. 
But Robin, conservatives like you have been trying to turn back the clock to the 1950s since the Reagan Administration, so I figured you must be in favor of juvenile delinquency. Don't tell me it's just the quiz show scandals and segregated drinking fountains you're nostalgic for.
Since Berkeley (and the nearby cities) promote Question Authority, some of the kids, like the turkeys, think they are top dog.
A turkey that thinks it's a dog doesn't sound like a social problem, it sounds like a Far Side cartoon.
 Calling one’s mom or teacher the “b” word makes perfect sense in an area (and a culture, via the sick and twisted media and music) that promotes disrespect for those in charge.
As Robin points out, turkeys have filthy mouths -- especially the "jive turkeys" (you know the ones she's talking about) -- but since opportunities for disadvantaged fowl are few, and most of them know they'll wind up behind chicken wire, or dead, you can see why so many are drawn to the nihilism of rap music.
But I don’t just want to blame the children. There are plenty of manchilds and womanchilds who do their own thing, regardless of whether the behavior is legal or appropriate. Laws are flaunted; police are screamed at; people unabashedly walk Fido into stores, defying the conspicuous signs that read, “No Pets Allowed.”
Dogs and cats, shopping together! Mass hysteria!
And it’s certainly not just Berkeley. We can see people doing their own thing all over the US — as well as beyond. Like the Wild Turkeys of Berkeley, scores of people have lost their inborn fear.
What made the Greatest Generation so great? Each of them -- man, woman, and child, and manchild and womanchild -- were yellow-streaked scaredy cats who were terrified of their own things, and so only did the others' things. That's how you beat Hitler!
So if people now think that they are just wild beasts, why not act like one?
Good question. A better question might be why so many people are choosing the turkey as their spirit animal. I don't claim to be an expert on Native American theology, but perhaps it just makes for a more efficient vision quest if your totem not only embodies the essence of your power, but also tastes delicious with giblet gravy.
 If there is no meaning to life, then anything goes. And most importantly, if there is no God, then there are no consequences, both in this life and beyond.
So atheists can double park and litter and the cops can't touch 'em! Laws only apply to religious people, although strangely, you never see cops pounding on doors of believers, yelling, "Open up in the name of the Lord!"
When we were a country steeped in faith, most citizens had a healthy fear of sin, and Judgment Day, with the very real possibility of hell. It would be hard to beat up a little old lady or start a riot if ultimately it means eternity tortured by the fires of hell. But with a good chunk of the populace not believing in anything outside of themselves and this one life, anti-social behavior and mayhem are out-of-control, particularly around here.
The casual observer might glance at this paragraph and see a flaw. To wit: both the rates of crime and regular church-going have been declining in this country, nearly in parallel. But as Robin would probably say, that's just anecdotal evidence. It doesn't actually become empirical data until you factor in the influx of wild turkeys.
Tragically, the world resembles those pre-Christian, pagan times, with its barbarism. From what I behold every day, it’s hard to know anymore who are the humans and who are the wild beasts.
In that case, I think neither you nor Dick Cheney should be allowed to go hunting.
(1) I heard of a survey that the SF Bay Area has the fewest people in the country who go to church. And yet there is widespread anti-social behavior, riots, hellish schools, and astronomical crime. Hm. . .could there be a connection?
Sure, the crime rates in San Francisco have dropped since 2000, but that's just inside the actual city. Inside the city inside Robin's head, it's Thunderdome! Hm...could there be a connection?


Jimbo said...

Lots of good stuff to chew on as always. Turkeys, like other similar birds, e.g. Pheasants, like "edge" environments, I.e. The difference between, e.g. A woods and field. As cities expand and as climate changing is steadily reducing forest and other wooded habitat, the "edge" environments are becoming more complex and fragmented and so we see animals becoming more opportunistic. Here in the mid-Atlantic where I reside, having foxes and deer in your backyard and walking down your streets is now commonplace whereas 20 years ago it was unheard of. Wild turkeys here are mostly still rural because we have more rain and snow and hence more rural habitat.

M. Bouffant said...

Boy Howdy, you don't often hear them appealing for fear itself. Usually it's something more specific to frighten the rubes; she may have realized not everyone is as scared of the turkeys as Brave Lady Robin: "... the turkeys. They eyed me aggressively ..."

Or just a little too sensitive to live w/ the rest of us, people aggressively rolling their eyes at true believers seeming to be the extent of persecution the Scared-of-Gawd-&-Proud-of-It people have been able to drum up.

(1) I heard of a survey

That's some rigorous documentation for the "notes".

I'm guessing her definition of the catch-all "anti-social behavior" is equally rigorous.

Keep sweeping those turkeys, Robin!

M. Bouffant said...


Still a big fan of Magnus, Robot Fighter. Heed his message, fellow humans!

(When I was a much younger Magnus fans I misread the cloaked people as The Goths, w/ a "t". If only I'd known, & copyrighted!)

And I DVR'd & watched The Giant Claw non-ironically (or as non-ironically as I can do anything) w/in the last six months.

Smut Clyde said...

Why have these turkeys become so brazen in an urban area?

If the turkeys are actually made of brass, you are clearly dealing with some kind of rogue roboticist.

the Wild Turkeys of Berkeley

Ah, I see. The whole column is simply a remake of "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill".

Bill S said...

Still as batshit insane as ever. Either she hasn't taken the meds she so clearly needs, or they aren't working.
Did she actually write "flaunt the law", or was that a typo on your end?

Smut Clyde said...

The Gazoogle says that "flaunted the law" is Robyn's own disregard for the laws of word usage.
Obviously she meant "fluted the law".

Smut Clyde said...

...sorry, "the law is fluted".

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The turkeys flaunt the law, and the turkeys won!

BillyWitchDoctor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kathy said...

According to my sister, wild turkeys are highly intelligent, brilliant even! Some of them are as smart as CATS! Its true, too. When my turkey batts his ping-pong ball under the refrigerator, he mulls it over and figures out a way to get the ball back himself.

"Tragically, the world resembles those pre-Christian, pagan times, with its barbarism"...... Yeah, once Christianity was established there were no wars, no violence, not even shoplifting and aggressive stares- because everyone was terrified of damnation!

Chris Vosburg said...

THIS sounds like a job for FRANK FALCONE!

culuriel said...

I get how it might be silly to be afraid of a wild turkey... but at least the existence of wild turkeys and their fear-inducing characteristics can be observed and documented. Robin wants us to be afraid of an imaginary sky-daddy, his Bronze Age rules, and an imaginary after-life torture pit. I'll be afraid of wild turkeys over any of that any day.

grouchomarxist said...

"La Carcagne! La Carcagne!"

Sorry, I have this uncontrollable urge to do that, every time I see a giant space-turkey.

M. Bouffant: I have all three volumes of Dark Horse Comics' Magnus reprints. I can't remember any other title evoking more pure, unadulterated joy from my young self, when the next issue appeared in the comic book rack at the local drug store.

[T]he world resembles those pre-Christian, pagan times ...

I guess those Mithraea and temples to Magna Mater in every strip mall were kind of a giveaway, weren't they? (Btw, did everyone have a happy Megalesia?)

... with its barbarism.

As we all know, once the Christians took over, everyone became much more polite and well-behaved. And let's not forget the vast improvement in table manners. That ought to count for something. Just consider how much worse the Inquisition or the Thirty Years War would have been, if they hadn't been conducted by people who "had a healthy fear of sin, and Judgment Day, with the very real possibility of hell".

What a maroon. No wonder Robin's so intimidated by wild turkeys invading her territory: if it ever comes to a battle of wits, she's dead meat. I don't know how you find these people, Scott, but that was some inspired riffing.

Kathy said...

"Robin's so intimidated by wild turkeys invading her territory"

Maybe she just can't tell wild turkeys from people? That would explain why she thinks crime is up when it has actually decreased in the last 15 years.

heydave said...

Don't look up in the rain, Robin.