But for many years now she has dedicated herself to others, visiting the orphans and widows in their affliction, and keeping herself unstained from the world with the stain-fighting enzyme crystals in new Bold detergent!
She's also the patron saint of pets. In a town that lacks a shelter -- and therefore condemns stray animals to summary execution -- she volunteers her time to find homes for displaced cats and dogs, and offers her own home until that can be done. I try to remember her example -- bottle feeding kittens one moment, cleaning up explosive diarrhea from a parasite infested puppy the next -- whenever I'm inclined to bitch about having to walk two blocks to the grocery store for a small bag of Iams.
In addition to all that -- which seems like more than enough goodness to contribute to the world -- she's also one of the smartest, nicest, funniest people it's ever been my privilege to know. And a good friend.
And does she ask anything for herself? Just one, small, insignificant thing: a prune party.
I think it's the least we can do, don't you?
Unfortunately, like everything else in this fallen world, prunes have become debauched, and before participating in the festivities, they demand to be whipped!
And before we can do that, we have to determine if Frank Perdue is a top or a bottom. Because I'm too faint-hearted to lay on the lash with any conviction, so we clearly need a hard man, a tough man. But a man, howsoever tough he may, who knows how to leaven stern discipline with tenderness, lest our prunes be reduced to juice. And judging by this viral video, which I've had examined by the finest wingnut photoanalysts, Frank is both tough and tender. And a tenor.
All right, let's bring on the plump, tender prunes and whip them mercilessly until they're quivering with flavor!
Now I don't want to embarrass Sheri with the fulsomeness of my praise, because she's a modest, private person who doesn't seek the limelight and likes her birthdays the same way she likes her prunes: "never mushy!"
So we'll just quickly run through the recipe so everyone can play along at home.
Combine all ingredients except prunes in double boiler over boiling water. Beat with rotary beater 10 minutes or until mixture holds its shape.
If the mixture doesn't hold its shape you can punish it with a forced enema the way Sally Field's mother did to her in the 1976 TV mini-series Sybil ("Hold your water!"), although giving an enema to prunes seems like gilding the lily.
Fold in prunes and chill.
After folding in prunes I like to Netflix and chill, but then I'm a sybarite.
Serve with custard sauce and watch your family's smiles grow wider by the spoonful.
Prunes apparently work the same way The Joker's "Smilex" gas does in the 1989 Batman.
You'll discover all your prune dishes being received with equal delight
This part I believe.
Ahhh. I don't know what it is about this particular birthday celebration, but I feel not only relaxed, but relieved. Let's close in the traditional way, shall we, with an indigenous and Sexy Birthday Lizard!
Utah's Green Basin Collared Lizard, with Special Guest Appearance by some burnt umber and avocado green lichen from the Seventies!
Please join me in wishing Sheri the very happiest of birthdays. Never have so many owed so much to such a one.