Monday, September 12, 2016

Happy Birthday, S.Z.!

Astronaut/Supermodel/Spy (Ret.)

Blow your flu-flubers, and bang your tar-tinkers, because today is the day that gave birth to Sheri Zollinger, who later gave birth to World O' Crap (it was a natural, at home, through-the-forehead birth like Athena's), and even later co-parented Better Living Through Bad Movies (in which we took turns doing the Lamaze breathing, but she was too high minded to take the epidural so she gave me hers and hoo boy did I go on a bender -- which turns out to not be that much fun when you can't feel anything below the waist).

But for many years now she has dedicated herself to others, visiting the orphans and widows in their affliction, and keeping herself unstained from the world with the stain-fighting enzyme crystals in new Bold detergent!

She's also the patron saint of pets. In a town that lacks a shelter -- and therefore condemns stray animals to summary execution -- she volunteers her time to find homes for displaced cats and dogs, and offers her own home until that can be done. I try to remember her example -- bottle feeding kittens one moment, cleaning up explosive diarrhea from a parasite infested puppy the next -- whenever I'm inclined to bitch about having to walk two blocks to the grocery store for a small bag of Iams.

In addition to all that -- which seems like more than enough goodness to contribute to the world -- she's also one of the smartest, nicest, funniest people it's ever been my privilege to know. And a good friend.

And does she ask anything for herself? Just one, small, insignificant thing: a prune party.

I think it's the least we can do, don't you?

Unfortunately, like everything else in this fallen world, prunes have become debauched, and before participating in the festivities, they demand to be whipped!

And before we can do that, we have to determine if Frank Perdue is a top or a bottom.  Because I'm too faint-hearted to lay on the lash with any conviction, so we clearly need a hard man, a tough man. But a man, howsoever tough he may, who knows how to leaven stern discipline with tenderness, lest our prunes be reduced to juice. And judging by this viral video, which I've had examined by the finest wingnut photoanalysts, Frank is both tough and tender. And a tenor.

All right, let's bring on the plump, tender prunes and whip them mercilessly until they're quivering with flavor!

Now I don't want to embarrass Sheri with the fulsomeness of my praise, because she's a modest, private person who doesn't seek the limelight and likes her birthdays the same way she likes her prunes: "never mushy!"

So we'll just quickly run through the recipe so everyone can play along at home.
Combine all ingredients except prunes in double boiler over boiling water. Beat with rotary beater 10 minutes or until mixture holds its shape.
If the mixture doesn't hold its shape you can punish it with a forced enema the way Sally Field's mother did to her in the 1976 TV mini-series Sybil ("Hold your water!"), although giving an enema to prunes seems like gilding the lily.
Fold in prunes and chill.
After folding in prunes I like to Netflix and chill, but then I'm a sybarite.
Serve with custard sauce and watch your family's smiles grow wider by the spoonful.
Prunes apparently work the same way The Joker's "Smilex" gas does in the 1989 Batman.
You'll discover all your prune dishes being received with equal delight
This part I believe.

Ahhh. I don't know what it is about this particular birthday celebration, but I feel not only relaxed, but relieved. Let's close in the traditional way, shall we, with an indigenous and Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Utah's Green Basin Collared Lizard, with Special Guest Appearance by some burnt umber and avocado green lichen from the Seventies!

Please join me in wishing Sheri the very happiest of birthdays. Never have so many owed so much to such a one.


Bill S said...

Have a Fantabulous Birthday, s.z.!

heydave said...

Ahem. .. Fuckin' A,and happyt birthday

Hank said...

Huzzahs and hip-hip-hoorays for the birthday girl! Felicitations of extraordinary magnitude to S.Z., the Magna Mater of WoC and benefactress of a multitude of four-legged orphans.

M. Bouffant said...

Happy happy, "Cuddles".

And just because it is your special day, you may have my prune whip.

Dr.BDH said...

If you sit in the bath long enough, you can have your own prune party...Happy B-D, s.z.!

Debbi said...

Happy birthday, SZ! :)

Remember: today the pits, tomorrow the wrinkles! :)

Li'l Innocent said...

So, what's 10 days' belatedness among pals!
Sheri, I deeply hope and trust this next year will be good and fun and nice and companionable for you (to say you deserve it is ridiculously obvious) and everyone and everything you care about. Also, prune whip with real whipped cream is utterly delicious, Scott! Custard sauce, fooey.

Scott said...

Annti is having trouble with the Voight-Kampff test that weeds out robots, and asked me to post her well wishes:

Eighty days late and a billion dollars short, Sheri, I am so sorry to have missed your birfday!!! As I may have mentioned, *MY* computer has been MIA since I was released from jail, and all of y'all's birfdays are on the list ON THAT MACHINE, and I can't get to it WITHOUT THE MACHINE, and I am so so SO sorry that I missed yours!!! You are and forever will be my heroine, both in bloggy goodness/whip-sharp vicious social commentary (they were ASKING FOR IT!!!) and your truly saintly care of all critters great and small, especially the bipedal critters around these parts. I wish you all of the happiness, hope, joy, love, and no-need-to-report-it-to-the-IRS wealth possible, as well as daily housekeeping help for all of your foster babies!!!

With all my love & admiration,