Sunday Sermonette: "I'm a Crank for Swank!"*

*Title courtesy Grouchmarxist.

(Originally published February 26, 2009.)

Pastor Swank: I Eat Cannibal, It’s Incredible

This week, things take a dark turn at RenewAmerica, as Pastor Swank acquires a taste for human flesh.

NOTE: Pastor Swank authored MOMENTS TO GO, A STUDY OF THE SECOND COMING, Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, 1974, the book now out of print. However, a few copies are available via such venues as Amazon books.

It’s hard to believe that J. Grant Swank had a book published in 1974, when he was young and green and had only begun to experiment with the avant garde literary techniques that would later come to define his unique style.  More to the point, it means that the Pastor has been doing what he does to the English language for 35 years, without once being visited on Christmas Eve by the ghosts of Samuel Johnson, Noah Webster, and William Strunk, Jr., who would all presumably beat him to a pulp with ectoplasmic baseball bats.  But then I saw the cover, and if any book ever screamed “1974″…

“Then he (Christ) said to me (John the apostle), ‘Write, Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.’

“And he said to me, ‘These are true words of God.’”

Will you be at the marriage supper of the Lamb? I hope not.

Because you didn’t RSVP, and we’re running out of applesauce and mint jelly.

That is, I hope you will not be eating the marriage supper of the Lamb menu.

The prix fixe is 34.95 and it doesn’t even include the cheese course and coffee!

On the other hand, I do pray that you will be there to see it eaten; but you would not want to partake of the banquet set forth.

Because the Party Platter came from Subway.

Note Revelation 19:17-18: Then I saw an angel standing in the sun, and with a loud voice he called to all the birds that fly in midheaven, “Come, gather for the great supper of God, to eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all men, both free and slave, both small and great.”

Can I just have a small mixed green salad?  With the balsamic vinaigrette on the side.

Yes, as the Word states, you as a believer will be “blessed” by being “invited to the marriage supper.” The definition of your blessing will be being in the entourage of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He will be victorious over the AntiChrist and False Prophet. You will rejoice in that win.

And, needless to say, there’ll be an open bar.

I recall since a child hearing preachers deliver sermons on the marriage supper of the Lamb. By the close of their messages, I was salivating for that delicious set-forth.

Why doesn’t the Pastor have his own show on the Food Network?   He’s a natural.

Then when I became an adult to do my own biblical study on the topic, I realized that I did want to be the vultures picking the bones of the defeated dead in the Battle of Armageddon. No, thank you.

“But then I realized they were all out of Chex Mix and Vienna Franks, and Defeated Dead was all that was left in the chafing dish.  I knew I should’ve gotten to Armageddon earlier.”

The closest then that I wanted to get to the supper was to see the vultures taking care of the matter quite fully.

CROW T. ROBOT:  “I think you’ll agree, there are few sights in nature more beautiful than a plump member of the Cathartidae family pulling a fetid string of meat off a week-dead Thompson’s gazelle. ”

The accent of the phrase “marriage supper of the Lamb” is not the word “supper,” though we with gastric juices working at high speed might interpret it as the most significant term.

I often misplace diacritical marks when my stomach acid breaks the speed limit.

The word that needs underlining is “marriage” for it is the union of Groom Christ with Bride believers that is most important. After such a rough ride as the tribulation, it will be high time for the Groom and Bride to be together.

We had a little plastic Jesus in a tuxedo and his post-Apocalyptic bride on our wedding cake too.  Really added a splash of elegance.

At the close of the about-seven year tribulation, Christ will leave the right hand of the Father in heaven. He will descend toward this planet with angels and the saved of all time.

But if he descends during rush hour there will likely be a 15 to 20 delay on the Throg’s Neck, so Jesus and the saved for all time will probably want to take an alternate route.

At His return, passing through the clouds, the dead in Christ will be lifted out of their graves. The believers alive on the planet will be whisked into the clouds to change their clothes from mortal to immortal, from corruptible to incorruptible.

Unfortunately, all my immortal clothes make me look hippy.

Christ will first put his holy feet on the Mount of Olives when touching down on Earth. The Mount will split in half from east to west, signifying His power over His creation.

Christ by that time will have won the Battle of Armageddon in the Valley of Megiddo in Israel’s northwest region. He will have spoken a word. The war will have ceased leaving corpses spread across the valley.

The word, by the way, will be:  “Oops.”

Vultures will be clawing at those dead frames as Christ proceeds to the Mount of Olives, angels and believers accompanying Him.

Then Christ will proceed to the Holy City where He will rule for a thousand years — the millennium.

But he’ll fail to update his computer software and when the millennium hits he won’t be able to access his bank statement.

The saved of all time will rule with Him in the two major societal dimensions — religion and politics. They will rule as “priests” and “kings,” per Revelation’s terminology.

Although Revelations’s terminology also includes “spank,” “touch-hole,” and “Bozo,” so you might not want to take it too literally.

For the first seven months into the millennium, Israeli employees will bury the defeated dead bones

It’s a crappy job, granted.  But hey, in this economy, we’re lucky to be working.

…thus cleansing the Holy Land of every sign of the demonic enemy. The Holy Land then will truly become holy so that heaven’s Holy One may reign in righteousness.

How long will it take the vultures to finish off the marriage supper of the Lamb menu? We do not know.

They’ve been sitting there for 30 minutes already and they haven’t touched their fruit cup.

(Original comments are below the fold)

Happy Birthday, Anntichrist S. Coulter!

I had a very bad night (Note to Self: Moondoggie no longer gets to sleep in the bed until he learns to stop latching onto your back like a giant tick), but I couldn't let the day go by without blowing a party favor in honor of our friend (and pioneering Crapper) Anntichrist S. Coulter. As you know, it was Annti's long twilight struggle with her namesake which inspired the ancient Wo'C custom of posting Ann Coulter photos on birthdays. First it was just her birthday. Then it was everybody's birthday. Then, presumably, there was a great cataclysm, and life as we knew it ended. Eventually, the cycle began anew; the Lords of Kobol set off to found the 13 Colonies; the Cylons rose; Ann Coulter was replaced by lizards. All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

In the meantime -- let's party!  Annti told me not to bother with cheesecake photos this year, but as Sheri once memorably said (admittedly, in reference to the Ann Coulter pictures) "We have traditions for a reason," so instead of nude people, here's a public art installation on Wilshire Boulevard commemorating Janet Jackson's Super Bowl nip slip:

Annti is smart and smart-mouthed, astonishingly kind, endlessly loyal, and bottomlessly empathetic, and you know how the world likes to treat people like that. So let's flip the world the bird and take a moment to wish Annti -- against all odds -- a very happy birthday.

But first...

Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Update from Bill S.: Annti shares her birthday with Jane Krakowski:

My Baloney Has a First Name, It's S-O-D-O-M-Y

You guys remember Bryan Fischer, right? He's the host of a talk show on the American Family Association's radio station, a frequent -- one might even say unrelenting -- RenewAmerica columnist, and of course, the leader of Bîøgraphy!, the world's only Peter Graves tribute band.

Naturally, Bryan is also an expert on gladiator movies, Turkish prisons, and sweaty, oily, Greco-Roman wrestling -- specifically, the way a headlock can suddenly turn into holy wedlock.

There is one and only one short range solution to a runaway judiciary on the issue of sodomy-based marriage:

Sodomy-soluble marriage!

a governor with the testosterone to stand up and just say no. 

So back off, Lady Governors; we boys will handle all the sodomy.

Governors take an oath of office to uphold the federal constitution and the constitution of their own state. Any governor in any state with a marriage amendment as a part of his constitution has the right, nay, the duty, to refuse to comply with any judicial order to recognize same-sex marriage.

I guess the judiciary isn't actually mentioned in the constitution.  I imagine it got started accidentally -- some guys were playing dress-up in their sisters' choir robes, and one of 'em started goofing around, banging his mother's wooden meat tenderizing mallet on a park bench, then one thing led to another and suddenly -- boom! You've got a co-equal branch of government and a bunch of neo-classical buildings with Corinthian columns and flashy entablatures.

The Constitution is utterly silent on the topic of homosexuality and marriage, which means, according to the Constitution the Founders gave us, this is an issue reserved exclusively to the states.

Sadly for Bryan, the states are steamy, fecund hothouses bursting with bushel baskets of homosexuality. Who can forget Alabama governor George Wallace standing in the bathhouse door declaring, "Sodomy now, sodomy tomorrow, sodomy forever!"

Any ruling from any federal court that imposes domestic policy on a state is by its very nature unconstitutional, and no governor has any obligation to obey it. In fact, quite the opposite. He must refuse to comply with it, for to comply would mean he must violate his own sacred oath of office.

Any governor who accepts Pell grants or Food Stamps should be placed in a tumbril and led to the nearest guillotine -- assuming it wasn't bought with federal matching funds.

A governor's oath is to defend the Constitution of both the federal government and his own state. Defending something by definition means protecting it when it is under attack, regardless of where that attack comes from – even if the attack comes from a federal judge, a federal court, or the Supreme Court itself.

This strikes me as daffy, but I'm tempted to adopt Bryan's idiosyncratic approach to constitutional scholarship if it means I can watch all 50 U.S. governors, plus those from the Northern Mariana Islands, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands kick Antonin Scalia right in the vaffanculos.

Americans have no understanding of how little power the federal judiciary actually holds. It was designed by the Founders to be the least powerful branch of the federal government

In the Federalist Papers No. 38, James Madison declared that Federal District Court judges should be able to bench press no more than 185 pounds, maximum.

The Supreme Court met in a closet for the first several decades of its existence, a sign of the lowly stature it occupied under the Constitution as written.

But now they're out of the closet and voting for gay marriage. It's almost like you reap what you sow...

It has mutated into a gargantuan beast, looming over liberty, freedom and the Constitution itself, and imposing its own benighted and twisted version of morality on the entire country with no legal, statutory, constitutional or moral authority.

 So in 1803, somebody injected Chief Justice John Marshall with Venus Flytrap juice, causing him to mutate and grow to monstrous proportions, just like the baby chimp in Konga. And just like Konga, Chief Justice Marshall went on a rampage that eventually ended when he was cut down by the muskets of Federal troops at the Old North Church.

"And Paul Revere warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our apes, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."

But it has no police force it can order to arrest or detain anyone. If its unconstitutional rulings are ignored, what will the Supreme Court do? It can issue an arrest order, I suppose, but if a governor will not allow it to be executed, what can the Court do? The answer is nothing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Fischer? There's a Federal marshal here. He says he has a warrant to...'smack some sense into that cauliflower you call a brain'?"

President Andrew Jackson once said, of a decision handed down by the chief justice of his day, "John Marshall has made his decision; now let him enforce it." What happened in the face of this defiance from a co-equal branch of government? Precisely nothing.

Ahem..."In a popular quotation that is believed to be apocryphal, President Andrew Jackson reportedly responded: "John Marshall has made his decision; now let him enforce it!" This derives from Jackson's comments on the case in a letter to John Coffee, "...the decision of the Supreme Court has fell still born, and they find that they cannot coerce Georgia to yield to its mandate," (that is, the Court's opinion because it had no power to enforce its edict).

The ruling in Worcester ordered that Worcester be freed, and Georgia complied after several months.

The federal government and the Cherokee were not party to the suit. Worcester imposed no obligations on Jackson; there was nothing for him to enforce. The Court did not ask federal marshals to carry out the decision, as had become standard"

The truth is the federal judiciary is impotent apart from the good will of the American people.

I guess the joke is on those convicts who meekly served life in a Federal prison just because some joker in a cassock told them to (as much as I like Ashton Kutchner, I feel like this episode of Punk'd went a little too far). Nevertheless, if the good will of the American people lasts more than four hours, see your doctor.

 Once the American people realize that the Supreme Court is a co-equal branch of government, not the superior branch of government, they can get back to governing themselves rather than deferring to black-robed oligarchs to make all the important decisions for them.

Stuffing or potatoes?  I need a ruling!

For a governor to stand up and refuse to cower to a federal court would not be civil disobedience at all. It would be constitutional obedience – obedience to the Constitution and its provisions in the ninth and 10th amendments, obedience to his own state constitution, and obedience to the oath he took before Almighty God.

"Excuse me, Governor Faubus?  There's a Mr, uh...101st Airborne here to see you?"

Flex Mooseknuckle Needs Your Help!

Do you remember Douglas MacKinnon? If so, you're probably wishing some hammer-wielding Samaritan would give you that same, ultra-specific neurological damage Guy Pearce suffered from in Memento, but just as a refresher: Doug is a former press secretary to former Senator Bob Dole, "who spent three years working in a Joint Command" (presumably his access to pot also allowed him to score Bob's Viagra):

"Thanks to my Viagra pusher, I'm no longer a spaghetti pusher."

He also writes crappy novels about would-be tough guys who would be tough if only all that justice-seeking and vengeance-wreaking didn't cut into the time they set aside each day for crafting run-on wisecracks and diarrheal quips ("If I were emperor of the earth for one day, one of the first things I would do would be to disband the TSA and turn the entire operation over to the private sector. In the parade of our government being intrusive and out of control, the beyond incompetent TSA is carrying the baton and wearing the shiniest jackboots of the lot.”)

Because of the recent independence referendum in Scotland, secession is all the rage. 

True, the Scots didn't actually secede, but nothing entices people to hop on a bandwagon more than a failed cause, which explains the swelling popularity of racism, heterosexual marriage, and Confederate flag mudflaps.

Both in Europe and even here in the United States. With that subject in mind, the Reuters news agency commissioned a poll and found that one of four Americans would be open to secession. One in four.

Astonishing! I would have bet that the proportion of gibbering morons in this country was at least 50%. 

Former Congressman, Presidential candidate, and Patriot Ron Paul just added to the growing controversy when he said there should be more Secession movements in The United States. 

If you're going to revive the Colonial-era practice of randomly capitalizing nouns, then you really ought to go whole hog and use the elongated "S" too. So what I think you really meant to say was, "Former Congreffman, Prefidential candidate, and Patriot Ron Paul juft added to the growing controverfy when he faid there fhould be more Feceffion movementf in the United Ftatef."

For me, the subject of secession is one that I have researched off and on for years. That said, it is one thing to research it, and quite another to put your name on a book that most will consider controversial at best, with some even considering treasonous. 

Are you considering treasonous? Talk to your doctor, and ask if treasonous is right for you.

Especially considering that I worked in the White House and Pentagon.

Big deal! Chuck Norris worked in the Octagon, and you don't see him seceding.

As I was writing the book, my wife, family members, and a few close friends implored me to at least use a pseudonym instead of my real name. 

Of course, they beg him to use an assumed name whenever they go out in public together, sooo...

But Mr. MacKinnon's family and friends do bring up a good, if self-serving point, so let's pitch in and see if we can help. What pseudonym do you think he should adopt when writing his Jefferson Davis/Alexander Stephens slash fiction?  Needless to say, it must be something terse and manly to go along with his tough guy persona.  I'll get the ball rolling:

Fleck Spurnipple.
Crab Brickmeat.
Hook Pinewhistle.

The floor is open.

I considered the suggestion but quickly cast it aside. Exactly because of the controversial nature of this book, I very well may pay a professional or even personal price for writing it.

Less than we'd pay for reading it, but at least we don't have to go around calling ourselves Ram Spunkhammer.

 I understand that but felt strongly that my real name had to go on the book

Along with that legally required warning from the Surgeon General.

...for two reasons. The first is that precisely because of the precarious situation of our nation and the world, I felt it important to try to begin a dialogue that would resonate with those who cherish traditional values. The second reason is that because of my professional and real-life experience, I felt my name might add some credibility to the effort.

Spuds Mackenzie is right!

So, how does one begin a discussion regarding the highly controversial subject of seceding from the Union? 

Usually by spitting a stream of Red Man juice into an old coffee can you keep under the podium.

Well for me, it began about four years ago at an outdoor café at the Willard Hotel in Washington, DC. I had gone there to catch-up with a friend recently back from serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Like me – and tens of millions of other Americans – he was conservative and a strong believer in traditional values. 

That sounds...vaguely familiar. Heyyyy, it looks like Steely Manlance went to the Willard to meet his own fictional creation, Ian Wallace! ("What sets the main character Ian Wallace apart is that he is fanatically conservative and proudly wears his strong belief in Traditional Values on his sleeve.")

Also like me and those tens of millions of Americans, he felt our nation was turning its back on the values he held dear.

Specifically, the value of pi, which has been mucked up by liberals who've added too many decimal places in an effort to be inclusive.

Rock Maninoff.
Flinch Pigiron.
Bic Banana.

Sorry, you were saying?

Our discussion then – and now – centered on the question of what any citizen can do when a growing number of our leaders seem determined to erase our borders, do away with the rule-of-law, expand the nanny state into a theology, bankrupt or punish American companies in the name of fighting climate change, do away with the 2nd Amendment, censor or demonize the history of western civilization and replace it with multiculturalism, give every kid a trophy and turn them into wimps, continue to support the completely unfunded public-employee pensions which are destroying the financial solvency of cities, counties, and states across our nation, add billions every day to our $17 trillion in debt, destroy our health-care system to substitute socialized medicine, vilify fossil fuels, and attack all faith in God with a particular and unhinged bias against the Christian faith.

It's a good thing Wrench McMuffin was talking to one of his own fictional characters, because any real person would have faked an attack of diverticulitis halfway through and wriggled out the Men's Room window.

The more my friend and I talked about the problem, the more we wanted and needed to talk about possible solutions.

Like considering treasonous?

 As we did, over the following months, we expanded our group to include a constitutional law expert, two former military officers, two former diplomats, a minister, another special operator, and experts on banking, energy, farming, and infrastructure.

You guys realize the Fire Marshal isn't going to let you all ride in the A-Team van, and that some of you are probably going to have to carpool to the secession.

We quickly decided that in least in theory, the solution which made the most sense was to draft a blueprint to leave the Union. Hence, The Secessionist States of America. A book which outlines the why, where, how, and when such a new republic based on traditional values could be established.

Sadly, the name "Republic of Gilead" was already taken.

We are fully aware that the three states offered up as the land mass for this Traditional Values espousing nation along with its new name, will be very controversial to some. For that reason and others, the book will either be ignored, censored, or vilified by most on the left and most in the mainstream media.

Yes, if there's one thing our media hates and shuns, it's controversy.

Knowing that, I simply want those who believe the downward spiral of our country is irreversible, to know that an option to preserve their values does exist. That some folks with a great deal of real-world experience felt it was their responsibility to at least explore the possibility of secession.

Despite how useful their real-world experience has been in concocting a fake-world, it doesn't extend to branding, so Dab Crunchbucket and his co-conspirators are still looking for a good slogan to sell their concept. Right now it's between "Treason is the Reason!" and "Secession: Even Without Slaves It Could Work!"

 It was a controversial solution about 240 years ago and it is no less so now.

I hear it occasioned a spot of spirited debate about 153 years ago, too.

Until that also is taken from us, it is still our right as Americans to discuss what many people truly believe to be our last hope.

Heed the words of Grout Turtlewax!

Dill Peltback
Stub Plasticsac
Stone Phillips

We're still working on it...

Waxing Wroth

[Programming Note: Jim Donahue, who's responsible for making me sit through that Danish ham of an art film, It's All About Love, mentioned that two of his articles from Cashiers du Cinemart are now available online: Click here to read about the Worst Movie Ever Made, After Last Season, and here to read about Michael Powell (of Pressburger and Powell fame) and his efforts to adapt an Australian novel after Peeping Tom made him anathema in the film industry. One is hilarious and the other is fascinating, and I'll let you discover for yourself which is which.]

As you may have noticed, we got a little drunk at Dr. BDH's birthday party, and once again delved into the oeuvre of Laurie Roth, former Presidential candidate and Disco recording artist, and current radio talk show host. The "Annie Oakley of the airwaves" is also a deadly master of Tae Kwon Do, and a scientist with a Ph.D in counseling, and Sheri was so taken by Dr. Roth's prose stylings that she teased us with a TV Guide-style blurb for her next piece:

Ms. Roth seems to have written a special column for Dr. BDH this week - it's about how Obama is letting a new strain polio infect our kids, and helping ISIS bring in ebola patients so he can mandate vaccinations with tracking devices in them - or something. Anyway, it's medical paranoia.

Say no more! I'm in.

Coming to a theater near you: Forced vaccinations, martial law, millions of deaths on their way

Sounds like your average summer blockbuster, but what the hell. At least the movie theater is air conditioned.

Planned diseased and criminal illegal alien invasion on America.

Eh. It's not the worst logline I've ever heard -- although it's probably the least grammatical. So fine, you got two minutes: let's hear your pitch.

It is known far and wide now that diseases have been brought over our borders through this massive "illegal alien" entourage being bused in organized fashion throughout our country, all at the hands of the Obama administration. 

I'm opposed to the forced busing of Pink Eye and Pediatric Scabies, yet at the same time I'm proud of how organized our contagious diseases are. Say what you want about Obama, at least he made the epidemics run on time.

We are seeing the introduction of diseases into our population that are maiming and killing people everywhere.

The President promised me improved medical care. Instead, everyone in my Fantasy Fooseball League is dead, I lost the tip of my left index finger to chickenpox, and now I'll never play the autoharp again!

Think of the mysterious respiratory disease/virus that is acting similar to polio affecting our children and leading to paralysis called EVD 68. 

It looks like Dr. Roth tried to link to offgridsurvival.com, an e-commerce site that drums up panic about the coming collapse of Western Civilization, then soothes the reader's angst by selling them combat slingshots and pocket water filters, but she misspelled it "offgridsurival". However, I looked up EVD 68 -- which sounds like a social disease you'd catch at Woodstock -- and the Washington Post did indeed have an article about this mysterious plague.  It turns out, EVD 68 (or Enterovirus 68) "is the name used to describe a group of more than 100 of the most common viruses that affect humans and other mammals."

Hm. Okay, but I'm sure it's still a sign of the End Times, and will increase in size and severity and until its reach casts an icy shadow o'er all, and the once fecund earth becomes a vast abattoir. 

The outbreak, though worse than usual, is typical for this time of year, and the CDC expects that cases will decline in the fall. 

All right, maybe I won't spring for the deluxe tactical slingshot just yet.

The CDC is saying this is quickly becoming a nationwide epidemic.

Actually, they're not, but far be it from me to argue epidemiology with Doctor of Counseling Roth.

 Back in February 2014 at least 25 children in California came down with this polio-like EVD 68. This is growing huge and a national emergency in itself. All this can be thrown at the feet of the "disease flame thrower" Barack Obama. It is everywhere and a very common disease all throughout South America. It is very serious and deadly.

I'm glad to see RenewAmerica is mixing up the Presidential sobriquets a bit. I was getting tired of "Dictator-in-Chief," but I think it'll be a long time before I can say "Disease Flame Thrower Barack Obama" without giggling, and I sincerely hope that this is is just be the beginning of a trend in which the President is crediting with spreading various illness via unlikely weapons. For instance, if we see an outbreak of dysentery, I trust Dr. Roth will accuse Obama of indiscriminately throwing the "Shart Jart."

Now, ISIS – that we are pretending to attack –

It's a little game we like to play. We're basically Kato to ISIS's Inspector Clouseau.

 is bringing in their version of suicide bombers throughout America.

I wonder how their version differs from the original? Maybe they're glitter bombers, or perhaps their suicide vests are trimmed with rickrack.

 According to the breaking research of Whalid and Ted Shoebat (regular guests of my national radio show)

And brothers of disgraced Major Leaguer "Shoeless Joe" Shoebat.

ISIS is planning to bring in people throughout America infected with EBOLA. They are most likely already peppered throughout many cities now.

Well that does sound delicious, but it leaves me wondering what EBOLA is an acronym for.  Every Boy Oiled Larry's Ass?  Etruscan Bowlers Only Love Acrobats? Eat Bivalves Ostentatiously in Los Alamos?

Forget suicide bombers with explosives attached to them. They have evolved to the next level now. 

They have become pure energy. Or sheer energy -- I can't remember. Anyway, they're wearing explosive pantyhose now.

ISIS might as well join the disease party, so by Christmas we can have a nice variety package of destruction and horror...lets see, EVD 68, EBOLA, TB, and scabies. Anyone want some bloody slush with your Christmas Hors D Oeuvres?

If that's meant to scare me, you've clearly never tried my grandma's Lime Jell-O and Cottage Cheese Salad, or her Sour Cream Nut Cake.

...And what is the purpose of all this disease, lack of protection and border security???

I assume it has the same purpose as Turkey Neck Soup after the holidays: it lets you use up all your leftover question marks before they spoil.

 It appears to be potentially the "full meal deal" for Obama and his goals.

No wonder our intelligence services are overwhelmed. Not only is the Man From U.N.C.L.E fighting T.H.R.U.S.H., but now he's got to deal with HARDEES.

 1) Establish over the next few years mindless, dependent, and un-American foreign voters and supporters for Obama and his goals. 2) Punish America for her achievements by riddling her with diseases and maiming her children. 3) Create a guise to declare Martial Law due to created outbreaks. Control speech, food, travel, and health care. 4) Demand adults and children take some sort of mandated/mystery vaccination that kills off even more people.

Yes...yes, you're right! If there's an outbreak of smallpox or mumps or something, you should definitely refuse the vaccination, Dr. Roth. In fact, don't take any medications, you can't trust 'em. And don't drink the water either, because it's contaminated with mind control chemicals; you should only hydrate yourself with your own recycled pee, just like Kevin Costner in Waterworld (which, if he were a film critic instead of whatever it is he is, I'm sure Alex Jones would have called Fluorideworld).

My prediction is that a forced vaccination plan from Obama and his administration is on its way. This will not only allow someone put in control (so Obama can't be blamed) to release something potentially fatal into our system, but also act as a tracker – the complete end of our privacy and freedom.

Ever since her quixotic run for the presidency in 2012, Dr. Roth has been predicting that the government will tag us all with RFID chips so that we can be easily located by Federal agents, or by our owners if we wind up in the Pound.

We must stop all flights from disease-infested countries now. We must quarantine exposed people and deport all illegal aliens that have purposely been positioned everywhere to spread disease and hide in plain sight. It is treason that they and their diseases have been sent to America's schools and communities nationwide.

There's no treason like disease treason. This plot reminds me -- and I'm sure I'm not the only one -- of that low point in American history when Benedict Arnold gave George Washington the clap.

We must win back the HOUSE, take back the SENATE, then move boldly forward with impeaching and convicting Obama before more die and are turned into cattle in shoots awaiting slaughter.

In the meantime, chute first and ask questions later.

Sunday Sermonette: A Swig O' Swank

[Programming Note:  If you haven't had a chance yet, please drop down to the post below and wish Wo'C's Chief Medical Officer, Dr. BDH a happy birthday.

Continuing our recent tradition of plucking Pastor Swank's pearls, like so many undigested corn niblets, from the ejecta of our archives, we present this column, first published on March 9, 2010. Original comments from O.G. commenters below the fold:]

Pastor Swank Wants Indonesians to Spike the Prez So He Can’t Behead and Shred

Epops: You’re mistaken: men of sense often learn from their enemies. Prudence is the best safeguard. This principle cannot be learned from a friend, but an enemy extorts it immediately. It is from their foes, not their friends, that cities learn the lesson of building high walls and ships of war.

— Aristophanes, Birds

Or, as Pastor Swank more eloquently put it:

US, LEARN FROM JAKARTA HOW TO SPIKE MUSLIM OBAMA

America should learn from Jakarta’s protesters how to clog the streets with cries of imploding the Oval Office imposter.

The lesson here is plain: eat more fiber.

Marxist Muslim Barack Hussein Obama is beheading America by throwing our money into the downdrains.

A conservative Christian would use an axe or a knife to decapitate the country, because it’s more efficient. A liberal, meanwhile, thinks you can solve any problem by throwing money at it, including the problem of how to behead America; but you’d probably have to use coins — sharpened like shurikens, because I don’t think folding money is capable of delivering a neck-severing paper cut — and you’d probably have to throw them really, really hard. On the bright side, at least Obama is cutting our nation’s head off near the downdrains, because I doubt there’s enough paper towels in the world to deal with a blood stain that size, even if they did have thirst pockets.

He’s a liar. He breaks his promises. He plays dictator. His crook and liar cronies stand to right and left of his every move. His wife is team member with him.

I heard his wife was team Jacob, but if she’s team member that’s okay with me too. I like a woman who’s pro-boner and not afraid to admit it.

There is no doubt that Obama is using every means possible to wipe out this Republic. That is the prime purpose of any Muslim—eliminate the infidels. Beheading is the favorite modus operandi. But if one can behead without shedding blood, so much the cleaner.

And Pastor Swank’s violent eschatology takes a weird, sudden swing into Billy Mays territory.

“And if you can behead without blood, so much the cleaner!”

Obama is working night and day with cohorts Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to shred this nation from coast to coast.

The Democrats are bankrupting America, buying all this sick skateboarding gear!

This is most evident with the Obamangst “care”

“Obamangst?” I am second to none in my admiration of the Pastor’s ability to neologize, but like the speed of light, there is apparently a physical limit to Obama name puns, beyond which acceleration, and sense-making, is impossible. And that dull, moist-sounding smack was the Pastor hitting it face first.

bill ram-jammed down our throats.

As you know, Pastor Swank doesn’t always get the latest wingnut talking points (he still thinks “Teabaggers” is a badge of honor), but he must have recently figured out how to use email, since he’s jumped aboard the whole “Obama and Congress are ramming health care reform down our throats” meme. And yet, being Swank, he’s decided this argument would be more effective if it internally rhymed. And that’s why he’s awesome!

Reasonable newsfeeds don’t know how to word their coverage of this insanity. Fox Newscasters in particular are stymied when trying to figure out logical ways to communicate this crazy scene from the White House.

Every day they grope for new verbiage by which to state that the present administration is killing our democracy and no one seems to know how to stop it.

“Verbiage fails me.”

Well, in Jakarta, protesters fill the air with cries that Obama is not to arrive there because he is not Muslim enough. There you have it. In America, Muslim Obama is Muslim Number One. In Jakarta Obama is not Muslim enough.

While in a remote cottage occupied by a family of bears, Obama is just Muslim enough.

Now this brings us to the spiritual analysis. God is at work through this whole mess. Why? Because of the righteous remnant at the time of America’s start and at the present moment. Those prayers match up before heaven’s throne.

It’s the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost…And they’re all here to play The Family Feud!”

Satan is also at work, evidently.

Not only that, but he just got a big bonus from Goldman Sachs.

Satan wants to destroy America because it is the only country begun with a Christian stand. America is the Christian-heritage nation of the planet.

Just add water, and the Christian Stand™ will reduce the chance of fire and keep your Christian fresh and healthy-looking for up to three weeks! (For best results, lop off the bottom 2 to 3 inches of your Christian before inserting in Stand.)

We must not try to play God. We must let God guide us socially, spiritually and politically—which He will do.

I use the Google God app for iPhone.

Watch how God moves in the future to rescue America from the Marxist Muslim schemes to rid the world of the Christian-heritage United States of America.

And my dad will be able to beat up your dad at some indeterminate point in the space-time continuum.

Jakarta is an example of how to protest Obama at the moment. Other protestations will show up on life’s screen.

I think the Pastor’s telling us he just discovered YouTube.

In each of these, God will work His move.

And God works His move in mysterious way.

Anyway…Keep Watching the Life Screens!

Happy Birthday, Dr. BDH! I Got You an Extra Face!

Today is Anything Can Happen Day! But only one thing did -- a birthday party -- so after we finish the cake and ice cream I'm going over to Jimmie Dodd's house and kick him in the shins for lying to me about this day comprising a quantum superposition of states.  (Hang on, I've just been informed that Mr. Dodd has been dead since 1964. However, so long as I don't peek inside his coffin, Jimmie remains both dead and alive, so I might as well bang on the lid with a Whiffle bat, just to be annoying.)

But back to the birthday festivities. Today is the natal anniversary of World O' Crap Chief Medical Officer Dr. BDH, which is perfect, because another doctor familiar to you all, Dr. Laurie Roth (see here and here) has unloaded on the unlearned with a gluteus maximus-load of medical jargon, and we need someone to translate:

'Slap another face on'

Obama face-lift doctors are getting their knives and scalpels sharpened to put on another U.S. face for Americans and the world.

Another one?  Are we involved in some sort of arms race with Janus?

The patient has tighter looking skin now as we are steadily reminded that ISIS and other Islamic radicals aren't Islamic at all. Now, quite magically, Obama has pulled out another "zappo" enemy the "Khorosan group.' Everyone already knows that this is just "Al Kae Da" with a new name and face...certainly not Islam in anyway.

Okay, let me see if I can break this down...Pointing out that fanatics who kill in the name of a religion may not actually speak for that religion is the moral equivalent of Skin Tight® Breast Firming Lotion. Also, Obama apparently is a witch-doctor, since he's using magic to fight a shoe company; and since Dr. Roth has a black belt in the Martial Art Most Popular With First Graders, I'm going to assume that "Al Kae Da" is "Tae Kwon Do" after it's been run through the Junior Jumble.

Just like in the famous "Silence of the Lambs" movie, when serial killer, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, sliced off the face of his guard and slapped it on his own face for the memorable and shocking escape, Obama has also sliced off the face of America and slapped on the oozing and bloody face of Islam and tyranny. More and more of us are noticing the blood dripping down our own necks. Occasionally, Obama notices a head missing in-between golf games.

So...Obama is the cannibal from that "Silence of the Lambs" movie, slicing off the face of America while his face-lift doctors are simultaneously adding additional faces; meanwhile, some other serial killer is taking heads (perhaps the Kevin Spacey character from that "Se7en" movie). This all sounds admittedly gruesome, but if my math is correct, we're still coming out one, maybe two faces ahead.

Obama is taking over chunks of our freedoms, through regulations and executive orders. 

"Obama may take our lives...But he will never take...our freeeeeeedom chuuuuuuuuuunks!"

Evil is now good and good is now evil. Islam is Obama's home base, and he will never go after his "homies" that are taking out all the infidels. Remember, Obama can't be blamed for anything but only responds after the fact blaming all else. He will always blame "intelligence leaders," "Republicans," "gun owners," and "Christians."

This paragraph has a weirdly compelling, stream-of-consciousness quality that suggests a racist with tertiary syphilis trying to explain the rules of baseball to a lawn jockey. It also makes me wonder what Dr. Roth's radio program is like. I mean, she wrote this down, presumably laboring long and hard over the wording and shaping each sentence until her meaning was keen and crystal clear. Imagine what comes out of her mouth when she's just making it up as she goes.

This time the "slap a new name, face, or blame game" isn't working so well for Obama. His polls continue to tank and go so low they are looking up to China. Is America and her idiot sold-out media finally starting to wake up? 

Must do

Must not do: add punctuation.

Everyone vote and vote right this time in the 2014 elections, then 2016. Put your emotions aside. We don't have time or the luxury to indulge and act out! Volunteer to watch and guard polling centers. There will be fraud and intimidation everywhere, so be ready. Bring your cell phones and subtly take photos and stay focused. Ignore those who try to get in your face.

In fact, don't even bring your good face -- wear your spare. That way, if fraud or intimidation want to get in your face, they'll have to drive over to your house and root around in that blood-stained hatbox you keep under the bed.

We will get back the Senate and fortify the House. How much we get back the Senate will depend on how we all vote and stay focused. Then, we must stay on those in the House and Senate like white on rice!

Brown rice on Line 2, doctor!

 We have to undo about everything that Obama has touched, and then rebuild our economy, moral base, freedoms, and international reputation. We can and will do this.

I like how Dr. Roth eschews absolutism. Some pundits claim that everything Obama has done in office must be reversed, but Laurie will be satisfied if we undo...eh...about everything.

America must put her own face back on and keep it on.

Easier said than done, Laurie. Obama stole my face (just like the John Travolta character in the "Face/Off" movie), and there was a crowd at Claim Check and I may have accidentally grabbed the wrong one, because I don't remember my face having this handlebar mustache.  So while I'd like to help you take blurry cell phone photos of voter fraud and keep the House and Senate as white as Uncle Ben (the product, not the label), I have  bigger problems.  There may be a formerly mustachio'd man out there using my face to commit serial murders, while I'm stuck here with no option but to work as a mascot for Pringles.

So there we are. If Dr. BDH has any medical advice on how to avoid the face-filchers this election season, I'm all ears, because nobody stole those, perhaps due to a slight wax problem.  And in the meantime, please join me in wishing the Good Doctor a very happy birthday.

(Since he asked that we spare him the traditional Sexy Birthday Lizard last year, I'm presenting Dr. BDH with his own copy of Laurie Roth's sexy Cashbox Magazine cover, dating from her previous career as America's 12th Most Popular Alannah Myles impersonator:)

Happy birthday, Doc! As Casey Kasem would say, "Keep your feet on the ground, and your face stuck to your skull."