Thursday, February 10, 2011

He's Baaa-ack!

It seems that Pastor Swank has either fallen into a time warp, or he been surreptitious refusing his meds. Anyway, he's back to dealing with the Muslim threat (and this time it's presidential)!
Obama as Muslim
America Talks reports that Barack Obama was reared as an Islamic, though Obama discounts that, and understandably so now that he is seeking the US presidency.
Should we break it to the Pastor that's it's now 2011 and Barack has been President for over two years? No? Okay. then let's hear what Pastor Swank has to add to this well-known wingnut urban legend (or "nuturbleg", as I think it should be abbreviated).
Nevertheless, researchers have revealed his Muslim childhood.
What researchers, you ask? None of your business! Just researchers! Researchers who need to remain anonymous in order to keep them safe from their enemies. But I've already said too much.
One of the main influences came from his stepfather in Indonesia. There as a Muslim, Obama spent "at least four years in a Madrassa, or Muslim seminary. A source close to the investigation said 'He was a Muslim, but he concealed it.'"
Obama was so dedicated to this deception that he kept his Muslim affiliation secret even from the Madrassa.
His Muslim father gave Obama his middle name: Hussein. Barack rarely uses that name in public, particularly in America where he is in contest for the White House.
A contest with George Bush, Ronald Reagan, and Richard Nixon.
After his parents' divorce (his father, being black, came from Kenya),
Because all black people have to come from Kenya. Its the law.
Obama's mother wedded an Indonesian student. Of course, Indonesia is a blatant Muslim country.
You'd think they'd have the grace to at least TRY to keep this under wraps. But no, they make no effort to hide their Muslim shame, and won't even attend Christian services on Easter and Christmas.
According to US Intelligence, the nation is composed of primarily Muslim schools that teach legalistic Islam — Wahhabbi.
And because Indonesia is a nation composed primarily of schools, it obviously has some economic problems. Housing is tight, and several families may share a classroom, sleeping in those little desks and surviving on graham crackers, milk, and paste. Indonesia's only export is teachers dirty looks. The country's only national resource is the Japanese horseradish, wasabi. It's no wonder that having a step-father from there caused Obama to plot the overthrow of the U.S.
That particular segment of Islam is especially harsh, Koran-abiding, and following the law of the cult to the nth degree.
Which is horrible! But if you substitute "Christianity" for "Islam, and "Bible" for "Koran," then you are talking about the ideal we should all aspire to.
The schools receive moneys from Saudi Arabia that in kind is laden with Wahhabbi Muslims.
Well no WONDER Indonesia is rife with Wahhabbis, if the moneys they receive from Saudi Arabia is laden with them!
When understanding that this was Obama's childhood teaching, one then can understand how he could live twenty years with a screaming, anti-American mentor such as Jeremiah Wright.
That Obama cohabited with Wright for 20 years is one of those secret facts that the crack team of covert researchers uncovered. But don't ask how!
Obama found what he needed: the cultic Muslim cadence from Wright's pulpit plus membership in a Protestant denomination. With that membership, he could say that he is "Christian." He also could relate that he found Jesus there.
He related that in an effort to throw off the FBI's search for Jesus, who had last been seen in the company of sinners in a bad part of town.
That Jesus, by the way, is not the Bible's Jesus. It is the Muslim Jesus, the latter considered merely a prophet, not the divine incarnation. If Obama had met the Bible's Jesus, Obama would not be supporting anti-biblical morality such as abortion and sodomy.
And if Pastor Swank had met the Bible's Jesus, then maybe Jesus could have expelled the confused-thought demons that are afflicting him -- or escorted the Pastor back to his doctor's office for some follow-up care.
Further, the United Church of Christ (Congregational) will permit everything preached but orthodox biblical teaching. It does not adhere to the Bible as divine revelation. That denomination considers each person writing his own holy writ. Therefore, that denomination endorses same-sex recreation and abortion as well as relativism in ethics — that is, situation ethics.
Of course, decent congregations prohibit same-sex recreation, such abominations as little league baseball, Cub Scout pinewood derbies, and Girl Scout campfire sing-alongs. And same-sex abortion is just such an unthinkable act that of COURSE the United Church of Christ would allow it.
Obama then becomes a member of a denomination that permits each member to write his own religion. At the same time he has a "pastor" who preaches as a mosque cleric.

All this meshes with how he had been reared as a Muslim.

He marries Michelle, lawyer, of like mind.
She wasn't reared as a Muslim, but being a lawyer makes her just as bad.
They both are well educated, members of a Protestant church and rise to the top with good looks, charm and a suave demeanor. But in fact they are closet Muslims, part of the sleeper cells current in the United States.
Well-educated, professional, Protestant, good-looking, charming, suave, closet Muslims pose the greatest threat to this nation that we have ever faced! Be on the alert for sleeper cells of them in YOUR neighborhood.


Carl said...

"Nuturbleg" sounds like part of the title for Stieg Larsson's posthumous book: The Girl Who Ate Nuturbleg"

Carl said...

OMG! "Nuturbleg" was the Google captcha when I posted that!

OK, I made that up...

Carl said...

Of course, one could write a really interesting Jabberwocky using the Google captchas here. I just got NUSKY

Carl said...

Mynd you, mØØse bites kan be pretty nasti...

Anonymous said...


scripto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
scripto said...

"Be on the alert for sleeper cells of them in YOUR neighborhood."

Be wery wery quiet. We don't want to wake those wascally Whahababobbies.

It appears that the pastor is confusing Muslims with vampires.

Brian said...

As I saw the headline on my RSS, I repeated to myself, excitedly, "Pastor Swank, Pastor Swank." I need help.
"Obama As Muslim." "Swank As Lunatic."

heydave said...

Where to begin?

Guilt by association? Then I'm a fucking farmer.

Sleeper cell Protestants? Sneaky fuckers; I knew it!

word verification: omandoxe... "Look on my words and despair!" - Swank
A taste of a true Swankster fold in Space and Time? OK, now you're on your own.

heydave said...


Rearrange those last to word segments!

heydave said...

Two! Two!

I give up...

Li'l Innocent said...

There, there, heydave. We're on your side.
Maybe if you loosen the band on your tophat a notch?

I don't want to be pedestrian, but is it possible that the Pastor's been so busy trying to slot his dvd's into his microwave that he doesn't realize the Muslin is sleeping in the White House?

JoeBuddha said...

"We have top men working on it now."

Scott said...

Ahhh, this is just what I needed. Had a very nerve-wracking day, and a little Swank is like a soothing balm. Eaten like paste.

Anonymous said...

They both are well educated, members of a Protestant church and rise to the top with good looks, charm and a suave demeanor.

For reals? Has Swank not noticed all the tea partiers going on about Barry's ears & Michelle's big butt?

Tina said...

[apologies if you get two versions of this; my browser decided to briefly go insane]

I think that the good Pastor is confused about the UCC (along with the many other things he's confused on). Apparently he's never looked at the Constitution & Bylaws:

"The United Church of Christ acknowledges as its sole Head, Jesus Christ, Son of God and Savior. It acknowledges as kindred in Christ all who share in this confession. It looks to the Word of God in the Scriptures, and to the presence and power of the Holy Spirit, to prosper its creative and redemptive work in the world."

I mean, seriously, that took me under a minute to find. I know that these wingnuts refuse to do internet research on the grounds that they might accidentally see gay porn and therefore be turned gay, but you'd think a church dude would know about, y'know, churches.

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

particularly in America where he is in contest for the White House

We've had intimations of this before--remember when his posts to that Michigan militia newsletter suddenly lost ten pounds, fifteen years, and about 75% of his incoherence, making it sound as though someone had dug up some old sermons of his and posted them?--but it's now beginning to seem likely that "Grant Joseph Swank, Jr." is about as real as "New Hope Church, Windham, ME". Either the real one died in infancy, or he's being kept in a room somewhere as part of a Social Security scammer ring, and now and then the secretary fucks up and sends out some back-dated material. I mean, we know the crack editorial team at Renew America isn't gonna catch it, right?

Ugluks Flea said...

I think that the good Pastor is confused about the UCC...

In my younger, more unable-to-stop-my-parents-from-forcing-me days, I was churched at a UCC church, so I speak from experience here when I say The Swankster is really showing his barrel scraping abilities here. The congregation Obama attended in Chicago was sorta famous in UCC circles for being the only one that had had a dependable growth in membership for quite awhile, being as the UCC on the whole is arguably even more white-bread, boring and non-controversial than Unitarians. UCC Pastors from all around the Chicago area would visit there to see what they were doing right in the hopes of replicating it in their churches, but would walk away with few ideas because, well, they were white-bread and boring, and their congregations liked it that way. This UCC church served the african american middle class on the south side of Chicago, and hewed more to the Church-As-Entertainment model than the UCC standard "Shuffle in, sit quietly until you sing some dirge like hymn, sit quietly some more while the pastor reads from the bulletin, sing another dirge, listen to the Pastor drone on about something or other for 20 minutes, Lords prayer, another dirge, then sweet, sweet freedom till next week!" model (I concede my perceptions might be colored by misty memories of youth).

So as Tina says above, they are very much Christian, they're just not pushy about it - which I guess is Swanksters problem, since to him a non-pushy asshole Christian is hardly a Christian at all.

Alexandra Petersen said...

Those damned sleeper cells are stealing my nap time!

Jay B. said...

The schools receive moneys from Saudi Arabia that in kind is laden with Wahhabbi Muslims.

bin laden, you might say.

Green Eagle said...

I just want to say that I am so glad to see Pastor Swank dipping his toes into the political sewer once again. He's been so boring the last year or so, during which he has restricted himself, for some reason, to turgid religious commentary. Swank really was the king over there at Renew America, easily besting loons like Chuck Baldwin and Sher Zieve. Even the emergence of Robin of Berkeley didn't make up for his loss, so it's nice to see him back to doing what he does best- making a total fool out of himself.

Chris Vosburg said...

Off topic, but I gotta say it somewhere: Currently playing on Turner Classic Movies: "Pretty Woman."

Lesson learned: prostitution is glamorous, without painful consequence, and better still, if you keep at it, you might land a zillionaire john who'll want to marry you.

The movie is offensive on so many levels I don't even know where to start. That TCM would run it is absolutely beyond belief.

Okay, I'm done. As I said, i just had to say it somewhere.

Chris Vosburg said...

Scripto slanders Fudd: Be wery wery quiet.

Since I'm still in cranky old fart mode, forgive me for pointing out that poor Elmer westled with the consonants 'r' and 'l', not 'v'.

West and wewaxation at wast!

Chris Vosburg said...

Why the Swankster forgot to allege that Barack Obama and Bill Ayers are close friends who take lots of windy walks together despite having never been photographed together is beyond me, but I was intrigued by the Renew America Statement of Purpose, which alleges that:

RenewAmerica is thus nonpartisan and nondenominational.

Yeah, I know, stop laughing.

Chris Vosburg said...

For more amusement, see Bryan Fischer's My Column Was So Crazy That It Embarassed God Himself, With My Bare Face Hanging Out.

Rebuscado said...

The "well educated" part is the real danger!

Brendan said...

One thing that irks me is the media's use of Arabic words with the intent to mean something sinister or alien. "Madrassa" (actually pronounced "madrasa" with equal emphasis on each syllable) simply means "school." Yes, many schools in the Muslim world include or are based around Islamic studies, but the word still means "school."

Same with "Allah." It means only "God." As in, the same God who spoke to Abraham, to whom Muslims, Jews, and Christians look as a key player in the shaping of their faiths. What the media doesn't tell you is that an Arabic-speaking Christian also prays to, gasp -- Allah!! I think that this ugly period in our country's history with regards to Arabs, Muslims, and Blacks is something we should have gotten out of our system a long time ago, and will most definitely be looked back on with shame and embarrassment by our children and grandchildren.

Chris Vosburg said...

I suspect, Brendan, it'll be a bemused embarrasment, and refer you to the changing depiction of "the other" in movies over the years.

Blacks were lazy shif'less comedy relief and not to be trusted for many years, but graduated to magic negro status, and subsequently finally got to play real human beings.

The Gemermans we were a little shy about about making palatable, but we finally got over it with a handful of performances from German actors in support of American ideals; Japanese, it turns out, were found to be good for something besides their landscaping skills.

Our cold war demonization of Soviets as godless enemies of all that we hold dear began evaporating with David McCallum's role in "The Man From UNCLE" and finally went up in smoke altogether in the later Bond movies. See also the changing characterization in sci-fi movies, after the fifties, of the soviet astronauts: They always turned out to be our pals, reflecting the fact that there wasn't any fucking race going on outside of the propaganda wars; American astronauts probably cheered when Yuri went up.

It's just a matter of time and pressure, like Geology. Someday soon, an Arab'll save Keanu Reeves' ass in a movie, and we'll be on the way. We'll get over it-- I have to believe we will- but sadly, not Today.

I suspect that it's simply human nature to need an "other" to hate. Recommended Reading: Frederik Pohl's The Day After the Day the Martians Came.

And "District 9", of course.