Now, as aficionados of Dr. Mike know, his "open letter" columns follow a fairly consistent formula. First, he'll hork up some well-worn, wingnutty gripe about an issue which doesn't affect him personally, often triggered when a woman, ethnic minority, gay person or other second class citizen threatens to upgrade and sit in First Class (but the joke's on them, because the only available seat is next to Dr. Mike!). Then he'll suddenly veer into M. Night Shyamalan territory with a mind-boggling twist that proves he's such a huge asshole that his rectum actually has room for a Balrog and several Dwarven kingdoms. So the game is, let's try to guess the reveal. Good luck.
Dear Governor Cuomo: I am writing to express my deep disappointment with your recent decision to push for an expansion of the definition of marriage – one that allows for marriage between a man and a man or between a woman and a woman. Most of your recent critics are writing because they think your crusade on this issue has gone too far. I’m writing because I don’t think it goes far enough. In fact, I think your approach to this issue reflects a fundamental narrow-mindedness that is almost as distasteful as your Pharisaic moral posturing and your constant media grandstanding.Okay, so gay marriage. Without reading the next paragraph, I'm going to guess that Dr. Mike is about to up the ante by demanding the right to conjugal bestiality or incest. He might play the polygamy card too, but that opens him up to a Biblical counter-strike, so I doubt it. Let's read on...
Before I continue, let me introduce myself. I was born in Mississippi in the 1960s.Hey, so was the hobby of lynching civil rights workers -- it is indeed a Small World After All. Disneyland should add a tiny, white-hooded figure clutching a noose to the ride, just to balance out all those brown dolls.
I am a former atheist and Democrat and who voted for Michael Dukakis and Bill Clinton.I see we've already reached that point in the column where Dr. Mike stuffs a cow pie in his mouth and sucks on it like a Certs to give his every utterance that meadow-fresh aroma of bullshit.
I also have a younger sister named Jennifer who is single and bisexual.This is the first time I can recall Dr. Mike mentioning a bisexual sister, and I'm pretty sure if it were true he would have exploited her long before now, so it looks like he's gone past the breath mint stage and is now just sitting on the couch, binge-eating from a bag of Bandini.
In other words, I have had some exposure to other ideas, cultures, and lifestyles. I’m no bigot. In fact, I was the first kid on my block to own a Flip Wilson record. That should count for something.Yes, it's another count in your indictment for Assault With Intent to Commit Humor.
But let me get back to my original purpose for writing. In your recent campaign to allow same-sex marriage in New York you presented yourself as one who supports “marriage equality.” But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, you favor a narrow definition of marriage that is based on your own irrational fears and prejudices. And it is time to show real moral leadership by embracing moral relativism fully, not half-heartedly as you have done so far.Here's the windup...and the pitch...!
Governor Cuomo, I want to get married.Congratulations, Dr. Mike. I presume the bride-to-be is inflatable, since the only items in your Registry are a bicycle pump and a vinyl patch kit.
And I want to move my new wife to New York City so we can pursue our respective careers in education and art (she is a painter). But, unless your state becomes more welcoming and affirming, we won’t be able to do that because the woman I want to marry is my younger sister Jennifer.Say, you are from Mississippi!
It may shock you to hear from someone who openly advocates incest. But that is the way people used to react to homosexuality.By hitting the Delete key and adjusting their spam filter to include the words "Mike S. Adams"?
Actually, we get what you're doing here Dr. Mike -- attempting to make people who support marriage equality feel as squicky as you do when the subject of homosexuality comes up. And given that incest is pretty much a universal taboo it would probably work, if only we were able to believe that there's a woman -- even a product of generations of in-breeding like your imaginary sister -- who would sleep with you. Alas, even the cheap, disposable Occam's Razor you grab from the impulse rack in the grocery store check-out line doesn't buy it.
In the case of homosexuality, the remedy for such a puritanical reaction has not been silence. It has been openness. Just as we talked about homosexuality constantly – beginning in the early 90s –So that's when your mommy told you about the gays -- the 1990s? You never heard a peep -- not even a snicker -- about homosexuality in the polymorphously perverse Seventies? That's pretty sad; you must have missed a good two-thirds of the jokes on Three's Company.
we must now do the same with incest. There simply is no other way to make our lifestyle seem normal.Sure, but this raises the question: is there any way to make Dr. Mike seem normal? I guess you could try to set an appropriate mood, perhaps watch Faces of Death while blasting Metal Machine Music and Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue; inject a speedball of roofing tar and PCP directly into your pericardium, then use the contaminated needle to tattoo "Love" and "Hate" on your knuckles with the blood of a kitten. And then try getting all the way through the next paragraph without thinking, "What an asshole."
Under my plan tolerance of incest must begin in the public schools. We must then extend our efforts to the national media. In fact, I envision a day when every Hollywood sitcom will have at least one incestuous couple. But, at some point, we must take the fight into the political arena.Nope, didn't work.
When people attack you for your recent success in legalizing same sex marriage they are likely to use scare tactics. They are likely to say that you have opened the door for incestuous and polygamous marriages. I want you to resist the temptation to dismiss their remarks as homophobic. To do so would actually reinforce phobias against incest and polygamy. So, instead, please show some courage and admit that the same logic that allows for same sex marriage also allows for incestuous and polygamous marriage.I suspect that as a child Dr. Mike had difficulty with those restaurant placemats, the kind with connect-the-dots pictures, mazes, and those puzzles where you'd be presented with three images, two of a similar nature, and have to select the one that didn't belong. For instance, two married couples -- one hetero, one gay -- seem more alike than the ultra-orthodox Mormon and his harem of sister wives. Or, for that matter, the consanguineous Bud and Princess.
Some have asked me whether I am concerned at all about the implications of marrying Jennifer. Specifically, they worry that once married to me she will try to bring a third party – one of her girlfriends – into the marriage. But I am okay with a three party marriage. I’m committed to marriage equality even if it means sharing a lover with my younger sister.Dr. Mike began this column as a devastating satirical attack on liberal hypocrisy, but his mind wandered, and at some point it became a letter to Penthouse Forum.
In conclusion, Governor Cuomo, I think you have been acting like a real hypocrite. You speak of equality but, in your heart, you consider some animals to be more equal than others. And that is offensive to those of us who crave public affirmation compelled by the force of law.Below is a photo of Dr. Mike plowing through his copy of A Modest Proposal:
Note to Readers: The author of this satire doesn’t have a sister. Nor does he own pets. But he does own a copy of A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift.
Fig. 1: "I don't get it...Where are the recipes?"
As D.Sidhe once remarked on another Dr. Mike column (I'm paraphrasing): A Modest Proposal only works because we don't actually believe that deep down Jonathan Swift has a yen for human veal.
But Dr. Mike has thrown down the gauntlet, and declared that those of us who support marriage equality are morally obliged to make a logical case for incest. But you know what -- we've already done that, in the pages of Better Living Through Bad Movies. Specifically, the piece on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
Let's set the scene: Victor Frankenstein (Kenneth Branagh) first meets his wife Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter) in pervy flashback. "Dad brings in an orphan girl whom Ken is to think of as his sister, meaning that he'll be sleeping with her in a couple of minutes." Later:
They begin to undress, and Helena murmurs “Brother and sister no more.” He replies, “Now husband and wife.” Well, actually they are both, as required by Mississippi state law.There's a lot of stuff in the movie about hubris, and the tragedy of Man playing God, but mostly it offers some very helpful dating tips:
First, Mary Shelley teaches us that if you are looking for a date, instead of hanging out at the single’s bar or under the corner lamp post, you might want to look for eligible partners a little closer to home, like among your coworkers or classmates. Or better yet, actually at home, amongst members of your immediate family!So there you go, Dr. Mike. If your mom and dad aren't too frail to adopt, you might still have time to get a date for New Years Eve.
Dating family members can make life a lot easier by eliminating the need to learn new phone numbers, addresses, or names. And they’re so conveniently located! Plus, there’s none of the awkwardness that comes with trying to make small talk with strangers. You and your family already have a whole life-time of experiences to discuss, so instead of prattling inanely about the weather, you and Mom can relive that time when she made you try the broccoli salad at Olive Garden and you threw up, or the day that she got high on cold pills and put the cat in the dish washer. Now doesn’t that sound like a welcome change from the stiffness and strain of the typical ﬁrst date? And since you regularly read Sissy’s diary, you can be pretty conﬁdent that she’s telling you the truth when it comes time for that chat about sexual histories.
Programming Note: I'll be tabulating and posting the winners of the various NRO Pageant categories this weekend (so there's still time to vote) but I haven't decided yet out how we'll winnow them down in the final round to select Miss Wingnut 2011 (perhaps an essay contest?). If you have any ideas, please post 'em in comments.