Monday, August 8, 2011

2011 Miss Wingnut Pageant: Round Two

Thanks for joining our continuing coverage of the nation's most prestigious beauty pageant based on decade-old headshots, in which celebrity pundits from the NRO fund-raising cruise compete head to head for the honor of representing their own school of heavily-subsidized bullshit.  (Click here for Round One.)

Category:  Miss "I Thought I Was Posing For An Aramis Ad in 1964"
 Mark Steyn
Michael Walsh
Kevin Williamson

Talent:  Making sweet, sweet love to the Camera

Question From the Judges:  Where Do You Want to Be in Five Years?  I see myself as the spokesmodel for Smoldering Man-Scowl, my own line of imposter fragrances.


Category:  Miss Most Likely to Be Cast as "Pop, the Creepy Loner Who Runs a Motel in a Remote Area"
Andrew Klavan
John Derbyshire
James Lileks

Talent:  Lulling Guests Into a False Sense of Security; Sharpening Cutlery

Question From the Judges:  Where Do You Want to Be in Five Years?  Peering through a peephole, watching you shower.  


Category:  Miss Eerie, Vacant, Dead-Eyed Stare
Dr. Charmaine Yoest
Kathryn Lopez
Victor Davis Hanson

Talent:  Lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.

Question From the Judges:  Where Do You Want to Be in Five Years?  Feasting on your soul.

Please vote for your favorites in each category.  This week, one of these lucky contestants will be crowned Miss Wingnut, 2011!


D. Sidhe said...

Mark Steyn gets my vote, because the others just say Amateur Porn Convention.

Category 2, I really wanted to give it to the Derb, because, well, we know about him. But let's face it, he's out of his league if only because 14 year old girls rarely check into hotels alone. And Andrew looks like he's already been convicted and is now cheering himself with the thought of how many pelvises he can lead cops to so he can bargain the sentencing phase. So, Lileks ftw, because I can totally see him in Vacancy 2.

Dr Yoest gets the third category for me.

There are people who would voluntarily get on a boat with people who chose these pictures to represent themselves? I'm so bothered by that. I know the point's been made before, but the buffet would only have to run out of shrimp cocktail for ten minutes before these guys were deciding which of the paying customers to eat first.

Woodrowfan said...


Brian Schlosser said...

Walsh, Derbs and K.Lo

Lileks looks like the kind of guy who would obsess over old matchbooks and Googie coffeeshops because he thinks they represent a more "innocent" time, where there were no US backed coups in Guatemala, no wars in Korea, no Jim Crow laws, etc...

acrannymint said...

Walsh, Klavan, k. lo

Nora said...

When I was a sweet young thing interviewing for a gig at my campus newspaper, Lileks was on the staff. Might have even been an editor at some point. A star writer, he was widely considered attractive: a smart, snarky hottie and the dream date of many a nerdy co-ed. His byline was James r Lileks. Or maybe James r. Lileks. But always that lower-case R.

I can totally see him running that motel. And La Lopez has just about the blankest stare ever. And of that first bunch, it's gotta be the dude in the middle. Something about the lighting of the pic gives him an unfair advantage, so I say give it to him.

Tina said...

Category 1: Steyn. Hands down the most "Shouldn't I be on the cover of GQ?" pose I've ever seen from someone not on the cover of GQ.

Category 2: Klavan, by a nosehair over Lileks. Klavan has more of the "remote area, possibly with inbreeding", while Lileks more has the "that guy at the coffee shop who yells at his coffee" look.

Category 3: KLo. Whenever I see her picture I actually wonder for a moment if she's got Down's. Which is probably not very PC of me, but, oh well.

M. Bouffant said...

Didn't Klavan star in a version (or both) of The Hills Have Eyes?

Have to give Michael Walsh credit for the Boehner tan, 'though.

Anonymous said...

Where's the token minority candidate? Or is that Lopez?

Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

For the Aramis competition, Mark Steyn. I don't think there are enough pejoratives in the English language to describe my revulsion for him.

The Norman Bates Award goes to John "Care for a walnetto, little girl?" Derbyshire in a walk.

And in the vacant eyes sweepstakes -- tough race, but I think Dr. Charmaine Yoest is the dark horse in this one. That picture features her "Georgette from Mary Tyler Moore" expression, which is always a plus.

Stacia said...

Again, I'm going to be the contrarian and vote Michael Walsh for #1, simply because I am thoroughly charmed by the Glamour Shots pic circa 1994 which was run through a sub-par free image editor.

#2 is tough, but Lileks has the face of a guy who has never understood the concept of personal space, so he's my choice.

#3 is the good Dr. Y, the forgotten lesser Bond villain.

Carl said...


Looks like a mugshot for a Mormon child molestor

Li'l Innocent said...

Category 1 - The middle guy, Michael Walsh. Oh, the Self-love!! the Drama!! Unbelievable, as D. says, that any adult would pick such a ridiculous image to show himself to the world... Steyn looks like he's doing a bad Colin Firth-as-Mr.-Darcy impression, and the bottom guy looks like he's feeling for a lost crumb of Tootsie Roll in his rear molar.

Cat. 2 - James Lileks, no contest. I stumbled across a site of his years ago before I knew that he was a columnist, much less a conservatoid, in which he paid a sort of bemused hommage to a lesser-known painter of pinup art who had 2 notable fetishes: skirt-wearing girls losing their panties in public situations, and celery, often in the same artwork. In this photo Lileks looks like he's in full agreement with the guy.

Cat. 3. Dr. Yoest, with whom I'm entirely unfamiliar, does have that odd Manic, Fixed Twinkle that so many Rightie ladies seem to favor. I do appreciate her not being a blonde, as so very, very many of them are.

R. Porrofatto said...

#1 Michael Walsh's photo must be what the cruise is using to marquee his "Attitude Adjustment" lounge act. But Mark Steyn gets my vote for his smoldering "I want to fuck me, too" look.

#2 While Derbyshire is most likely to actually have live feeds of web-cams from remote motels on his computer, Lileks has the look that says "get a room here and I'll make you a star on"

#3 All three of them look like nuns I had in grammar school, but Dr. Charmaine Yoest is the scariest.

Kordo said...

1. h/t Tina - "Steyn. Hands down the most "Shouldn't I be on the cover of GQ?" pose I've ever seen from someone not on the cover of GQ." I can't top that.

2. Lileks. Extra points for waiting 'til the acid kicked in before having the picture taken...

3. Victorious Davidius Hansonius Maximus. The mouth smiles but the eyes do not. K-Lo's just out-classed here, IMO.

melior said...

BVD Steyn, Lileks (he could easily qualify in the Miss Ventriloquist Dummy category too), and K-Lo (holy cow, so could she!)

ugh, I think my eyeballs have a Yoest infection.

Treavor said...

lileks looks like he has taken it once too many times in the ying yang with a lemon juiced up condom.

Walsh has my vote as spending one too many days in the SenorEY amorEY Tanning Salon