Friday, June 8, 2012

Brighter Brights! Whiter White Trash!

For people who enjoy watching smug, self-adoring nitwits flex their vapidity on television, but find the Kardashians a bit too ethic, I've got some good news.  M. Bouffant and Bill S. were both cruel kind enough to alert me to this trailer from Doug Giles, Pastor of Our Lady of Free HBO and Complimentary In-Room Coffee, who's trying to sell his daughters (again!), this time as reality TV stars.  Of the three of us, only Bill had the stones to actually watch the thing -- I bailed out right about the time faux streetwalker but genuine fame-whore Hannah started lying her As Seen on Youtube ass off about ACORN).

As Bill wrote, "I'm not sure how much there is to say, since the series hasn't aired yet. The show certainly captures Doug's two most enduring traits: his desperation to prove his manhood, and his uncanny ability to be completely out of touch everytime he tries to sound relevent. (He still uses "metrosexual", a word nobody's used in about 10 years.)"
 Doug Giles: The Manly Cure for the Metrosexual.

Of course, it's just a sizzle reel, so in all likelihood there is no series, just another effort by fading bad boy Doug to piggyback on Hannah's rising star.  Although, if the ACORN hoax was going to net her a TV show, you'd think it would have happened in the first golden shower of free publicity that drenched her and...what's his name?...the guy who looks like Ichabod Crane.  I can't remember, but apparently neither can Hannah, as she's been steadily writing him out of the story since her first solo appearance on Fox News.

Anyway, here's Doug's pitch:
Here's my family's answer to the Jersey Shore and the Kardashian BS. The Call of The Giles shows families how to live a powerful and productive adventure laden life without whizzing on God and country. TCOTG features columnist Doug Giles and his wife Mary Margaret, daughter Hannah Giles of the 2009 ACORN undercover sting videos and Regis Giles, NRA columnist and owner of Coming 2012 to a TV set near you. Hold on to your lug nuts. It's time for an overhaul.

Shit just got reality.

Bonus Doug: Sharkmaster and Art Critic

You know that suitable for framing portrait of Andrew Breitbart as a parfit, gentil knyght?  Doug got very excited about it, because as an artist himself, he recognizes the power of painting, sculpture, and preserved corpses to change the way we look at our world.  And a provocative portrait of a dead blowhard is just the kind of fusion of fine art and taxidermy calculated to drive liberals into a snit:

Art is powerful. Through art nations have been swayed toward greatness … and toward Obama. Via the arts souls have been lifted and wars have been waged. There’s no mistaking the mighty leverage art wields on people and lands.
From a national standpoint, do you wanna know why folks in Communist nations are depressed and are forced at gunpoint to smile when U.S. cameras are rolling? Well, one reason, aside from the mediocre hell Communism spawns, is their art. It’s hard to feel chipper when the only works of art you behold are giant prints of the inbred dictator and the utilitarian gray block buildings he skimped on so he could have gold toilets in his 90-room mansion.
Okay Doug,  but if you're looking for an antidote to (or parody of) socialist realism, I don't think we need this:
 Portrait of Sir Andrew Knightbart  (1089-1134), entitled, "Who's That Guy With The Big Head?"

...When we've already got this:

Stalin and the Muses by Komar and Melamid (1982).

Anyway, you were saying?

Seriously, in the Giles Manor I have trophy animals and paintings of trophy animals, African warriors and Native American Indian warriors adorning my walls. Why do I have such a man cave? Well, one reason I have it so designed is we have three women in the house, and I’ve got to do something to offset all the bras and panties strewn everywhere. In addition, these awesome animals and warriors feed my soul. When I gaze at them it makes me feel stupid and weak when I whine like a 12-year-old girl if I don’t get my way.

Being fascinated with butt kicking beasts and people, I was duly impressed when I saw the digital painting that artist David Bugnon (Boo-nyon) did of the late Andrew Breitbart. David absolutely knocked it out of the park with his painting depicting Andrew as the consummate intellectual warrior that he was.
 Of course, as we now know, the painting is actually a screen grab of a video game character, with Breitbart's ill-proportioned noggin Photoshopped onto the shoulders.  Which is too bad, because I was dying to hear more of Doug's thoughts on the power of pickled body parts and lithographed aborigines to protect our manhoods from strewn panties.  I was especially curious to see how he, as an artist, would react to the news that an artist he had championed was guilty of plagiarism.

Unfortunately, the above snippets were all I could recover from Google cache.  When you click on the Page 2 button (Townhall divides all its columns, no matter how short, into separate pages in order to artificially inflate their traffic), I found this.

The man cave was empty and silent as the tomb, without even the word "Croatoan" inscribed on a discarded brassiere.

P.S. Cat pictures below, if that helps any.


ckc (not kc) said...

...when I whine like a 12-year-old girl if I don’t get my way know how sometimes things just slip out unintentionally?

helen_s said...

His punctuation is shit, it should be 'trophy animals, and pictures of trophy animals, African warriors and Native American Indian warriors.' The way he's got it now makes it sound like that Tom Lehrer song - 'there's ten stuffed heads in my trophy room now: two game wardens, seven hunters and a cow.'*

Also... can you *please* watch the programme about having cool adventures without whizzing [whatever that is] on God and country for us? I can't pay you in money, but I can write you a poem. Or refrain from writing you a poem, if that would be better.

*I have a feeling Doug's trophy animals do include some domestic pets, but a cow would probably be too big and scary.

Bill S said...

I just hope it airs long enough for Joel McHale to mock it on "The Soup".

mndean said...

If Giles ever managed to steel himself into shooting a cow, he'd have the taxidermist plant a couple of massive horns on its head (the kind they used to put on Cadillac Eldorados in Texas), claim she was a he, and say he killed the animal in a bullfight.

I think it's more likely we'll find mounted newts on his mantelpiece.

trashfire said...

What happens if one of Giles' daughters, having imprinted from a young age what Dad's idea of an ideal man is, comes home from college with a black or Native fiance?

PS--the pic makes Breitbart look like the bass player in a Scandinavian goth rock band's publicity photo.

Chris Vosburg said...

D Giles writes: From a national standpoint, do you wanna know why folks in Communist nations are depressed and are forced at gunpoint to smile when U.S. cameras are rolling?

So guns are a bad thing?

Anonymous said...

I would like to stuff several pairs of his daughters panties in his mouth just for his usage of the very trite and tired, "awesome" and "man cave."


Carl said...

Why is Doug so hung up on metrosexuals? I mean, his photo portrays a perfectly-coiffed, stylish man with rugged looks, a nice watch and tightly shaved whiskers exposing his dimpled chi--


Chris Vosburg said...

I think it was one of MC Beaton's "Hamish MacBeth" mystery novels which introduced a character whose greatest passion in life was "shooting whatever he was allowed to shoot," and had, among the several trophy animals in his study, a stuffed fox on a sideboard which "appeared to have been sleeping peacefully when it was shot."

Always think of this whenever D Giles, or Sarah Palin, for that matter-- starts going on and on about the jolly thrills of shooting at poor Dunder and Blixem.

Man, what the fuck is wrong with these people?

Bill S said...

I don't think there are enough hours in a day to explain what's wrong with Dougie.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

"Portrait of Sir Andrew Knightbart (1089-1134), entitled, 'Who's That Guy With The Big Head?' "

1. WORST. FORESHORTENING. EVER. Guy's got the arms of a little person with the shoulder pads of Joan Crawford.

2. Whattaya think he won that ribbon for, best Rhode Island Red hens at the county fair? Seriously --- even the butchest bottle blonds doesn't sash his armor with a fucking BOW, MEDALLION AND DANGLY DECORATIONS.

What? Oh, Doug? Oh, who gives a fuck? Yes, it is a tragedy of and for American culture that this illiterate 'roid-junkie-wannabe (he *tried* working out, but it was so HAAARRRRD!!) actually, somehow, gets PAID (or old books of Green Stamps) for his idiotic blatherings, and yes, it bodes ill for our country that people actually READ this shit.

But until I'm allowed to hunt him down with a compound bow and/or my big happy pocketknife, where does Doug get interesting? Okay, so the compound bow might be a little tricky, with the bad neck and all, but dammit, SOMEBODY should be hunting him down and putting his big empty head up on a taxidermist's table!

And Gappy, thanks EVER SO for that imagery of Dougie-Poo with his daughters' panties in his mouth!!! That's gonna take a whole SHIT-LOAD of bleach to get out!!!!!!!!!!

Big fat ol' "AMEN!" to Bill, and Vosburg? It makes 'em feel "powerful" or somesuch baser-instinct-type "emotion" when they cause a living creature to suffer, bleed, and die. Most of us have this done by butchers & supermarkets, but apparently, for some people, IT AIN'T ABOUT THE MEAT. Well, when it comes to Dougie, it probably IS about SOME meat, very LITTLE meat... but they ain't hunting to feed their "families," son, they TROPHY-HUNT, which means that they, like Dick Cheney, don't give a flying frog-fuck HOW it gets dead, or even if THEY, THEMSELVES kill it, just so long as there's SOMETHING dead to take to the taxidermist's.
I'd imagine that Dougie buys HIS trophies off of eBay. I dare you to search the word, "taxidermied" on there... what they do to baby ducks and kittens is just flat-out fucking WRONG. Granted, it's been a few eons since I've looked at those atrocities, so they might've outlawed 'em by now (like they were SUPPOSED to outlaw perverts selling "USED UNDERWEAR" and MODELING IT FOR , but it's still probably worth a look.

helen_s said...

Yes... I was going to offer a very complex analysis of the nature and roots of violence and how these tendencies are encouraged by Western culture's concept of masculinity, but to be honest it's more likely to just be about his cock.

Bill S said...

This show isn't just for people who find the Kardashians too ethnic-it's for people who find their stepfather too ethnic.
And that photoshopped picture of Breitbart makes me wonder if he's the star of some "Don't EVER show it to ME!" slash fiction.

heydave said...

Let's see: I love women and have some abstract paintings showing women in a sensitive light. Doug has paintings of warriors and manly men. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Kathy said...

What sloppy wimmenfolk Doug has! Why don't he just slap 'em around some and make 'em pick up their dirty undies from around the house? What's that? Oh I see. They're his undies. Never mind!

Bill S said...

Yeah, KWillow, he probably stole them from a women's locker room. Not so he could wear them, but so he could watch the owners walk out, bewildered as to where their undies went. And as he watches them, from the bushes, he says, "SLUT!" under his breath, because only a slut goes out in public without underwear.

FrJohn said...

Why, exactly, are these ass-kicking, righteous, well-brought-up daughters dropping their panties everywhere?

M. Bouffant said...

That is some truly magic underwear if it's actually sapping his vital bodily fluids.

I still haven't watched it, & now I needn't. Thanks, Scott!

Weird Dave said...

Say what you want about Doug and Hana, my money is on Regis . Especially with all that gun-porn she has.

Oh and, "... but to be honest it's more likely to just be about his cock."

Or lack thereof.

helen_s said...


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

I canNOT be the only one who shuddered at the imagery of Dougie with the I'm-guessing-pubescent daughters' drawers IN HIS MOUTH... Shudder, hell, I've still got the dry heaves.

Any man who publicly decries the "oh, I'm so overcome by estrogen, I am a VICTIM and thusly my MAN-WORSHIP CAVE is my only saving hope!" situation at home, ONLINE, is either inviting kiddy-porn producers or out-and-out child-rapists to come by the cul-de-sac and meet the fam...

Or is that just me?

Not trying to belabor the point, but the imagery that Gappy put into my head the certainty that this is THE. *LAST* MOTHERFUCKER who should be raising DAUGHTERS, or sons or transgender kids or what the hell ever. I'd bet that the SPCA won't even let him adopt DOGS, but we as a society just let him run around, unfettered, breeding like all get-out... Oh. Right. Belaboring the point. Sorry. I know, it's all been covered and all very obvious, but it still makes me fear for those poor homeschooled chirren of his...

Anonymous said...

Allow me to up the ante Annti.....picture Dougie with his daughter's panties shoved in his mouth while he's tied up. Gah!


Carl said...

Why, exactly, are these ass-kicking, righteous, well-brought-up daughters dropping their panties everywhere?

So they can kick higher?

Nadine said...

My thought? How in th' hell does a part-time Minister of a Church of the Holiday Inn (and I'm NOT talking about the delightful Bing Crosby Holiday film) have the money for digs in Palm Beach, Hunting for Sport and all of those Penis Substitutes (I agree with Annti J, he SHOULD suck one of them, a loaded one, the BIGGEST one he's got)????
How is he supporting the two "Righteous and Rowdy" Girls and a wife who is a "Saint"? There is obviously a HUGE underbelly of stupid with excess money in this country to support Doogie's penchant for penis substitutes on the lecture circuit.
Now please Send More NyQuil. I'm sick.

Anonymous said...

Y'know, there was a captured painting of Adolf Hitler as a White Knight in armor. Ya don't think that was the inspiration for that little bit of (Photoshopped)Breitbartia, do you?

Be about right for Andy B., though...

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Gappy: You are a sick, sick woman and should be relentlessly flogged with Karl Rove's skid-marked underwear, ya sadistic heifer!

Carl: Bah-dum-bump. Hi-hat cymbal crash!

Nadine, darlin' heart, if I had it, I'd HAPPILY send you a tanker-truck fulla NyQuil (generic, of course, that's the only way to buy in bulk!) AND a tanker fulla Clorox to get Dougie-Poo's "trailer" outta yer skull. In the meantime, you have my love, and undoubtedly, hugs from all of us Crappers (NO! No more hurling, dammit! Cut that out!), humongous hugs and similar sentiments to help you sleep through the nasty-as-hell summer flu. But the NEXT time that you click on a link of Dougie's or any similar reich-wing fucktards, you're on yer own!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Yes, I realize that I went one over the top with the hugs.
A loud, slimy, obnoxious SCAB who's staying here with his "handicapped"/illegally-fortune-telling wife and a poor, tormented-beyond-belief blue heeler who's trapped indoors ALL DAY AND FUCKING NIGHT --- said douchebag "male" woke me up @ 4A because he was too fucking stoopiddrunk to realize that HE HAD HIS FUCKING KEY, RIGHT IN HIS SMARMY, SWEATY LITTLE PAW, but felt the need to yell, from just outside "my" masonite wall, back up to the front desk FOR SAID KEY.

The fact that there won't be a SECOND severed torso washing-up on that Mizzippi beach from here, at least not by MY hand, only attests to the exhaustion and pain which is currently keeping me from renting a woodchipper.

(And yes, it's true, that poor girl, the stripper from Bourbon, who washed-up in pieces in Mizzippi, was, indeed, staying HERE @ the world's worst roach motel when she "disappeared.")

And yes, I come to this shit-hole "voluntarily," b/c it's the only thing in the entire GNO that I can swing @ the moment or possibly ever. Loathe the owner/slumlord-ette to hell & back, but sure as hell ain't gonna waste a hundred a night on the nearest Motel 6!

So let's all cross our fingers & knock on wood that at least ONE of these apartment applications comes through!

Debbi said...

Don't look now, but you've just been nominated for an award. Ha ha ha ...