Thursday, July 30, 2015

Spam as a 2nd Language: The Witch Doctor Edition

After compiling all those quotes to mark the anniversary of Doghouse Riley's passing, I visited his much lamented blog, Bats Left, Throws Right, thinking to rifle through the archives and assuage my blues, when I noticed there was a new comment on the last thing he posted. I immediately clicked through, figuring someone else had dropped by to commemorate the day. Instead, I discovered that noted Las Vegan Segio Collins had materialized, like a latter day Doug Henning, to deliver a prophecy which we ignore at our peril:
My name is Segio Collins from United States Las Vegas, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, I was the world’s biggest septic.
Well, there you go. I've seen some pretty impressive transfigurations in the Harry Potter books (woman into cat, mouse into snuffbox, teapot into tortoise), but any spell that can turn a large subterranean tank full of urine and feces into a man capable of spamming the comment threads of deceased blogs is powerful and genuine indeed.
I never believed in magic spells or anything like that, but I was told by a reliable source Doctor Ebakor a great spell caster helping me retrieving back my relationship with my EX girlfriend back when she ended and turned back to me for quite a long time now (3 months ago). 
Three months? Seems like Segio was a little LAX about retrieving his EX.
He performed a spell for me and for 24 hours after the spell had been casted i receive a text from my EX girlfriend saying that she is sorry for what happened and the she needs me back.
"After she texted me for 24 hours straight, however, I realized sex is overrated, and decided to maybe look into league bowling."
I want to recommend Doctor Ebaklor to the world. You can reach and contact him on his private email; thank you so much Doctor Ebakor.
Now I'm no septic, but before engaging the good Doctor's services, I'd want to straighten out whether his name was Ebaklor or Ebakor, and get a guarantee he wouldn't use his supernatural powers to insert random "L"s into my name, because there's no way to introduce yourself as "Sclott Clevelngler" without sounding drunk.

Anyway, money is tight, and I've gotten in the habit of comparison shopping, so I Googled Doctor Ebakor, and discovered his satisfied clients are all over the Internet.  Here's just one example out of four thousand results:
Am Mario Charos from Switzerland, i want to share my great testimony to Doctor Ebakor the great spell caster that brought back my Husband within 12 to 16 hours. 
Doctor Ebakor has improved on his time, and is now achieving the kind of fast-acting results usually associated with tiny time capsules.
When i contacted Doctor Ebakor i never taught that this would have been possible but to my greatest surprise after 12 to 16 hours of me contacting Doctor Ebakor my EX boyfriend called me and said that he is ready to make up for lost time and he wants me to forgive him and accept him back as my lover
Well this is awkward, because now Mario's husband and his EX boyfriend have both come crawling back in the same 12 to 16 hours, which isn't going to leave him much time for a refractory period.

I clicked through another search result, and discovered that Segio and Mario got nothing on Marina:
All thanks to Doctor Ebakor for restoring my marriage
My name is Marina Panes and I base in USA... 
Base what? Base jump? Freebase? Ace of Base?
My life is back!!! After 3 years of broken marriage, my husband left me with three kids. I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. 
Well suicide is no joking matter, and my first instinct is to urge Marina to get help, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to clog up our suicide hotlines with fictional witchcraft consumers.
Thanks to the great spell caster called Dr. Ebakor, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster.
Remember the early days of Yelp when it was all spellcaster reviews? (In fact, the name "Yelp" comes from the sound made by users who left bad spellcaster feedback and subsequently got their Voodoo doll jabbed in the ass with a hatpin. Prove me wrong, Snopes!)
Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer and other sickness.
To be clear, curing cancer and other sickness is his day job. He only restores wombs in his spare time and frankly, he's no Bob Vila.
Some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on.
This is the root of our adversarial legal system: Prosecutor versus defense attorney, divorce lawyer versus witchdoctor.
Dr. Ebakor is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try Dr. Ebakor anytime and he might be the answer to your problems. 
Well now that your husband has returned it seems like your only really serious problem is punctuation. I don't know if it's worth sacrificing a goat in a graveyard at midnight to correct, but it's something to think about.

But don't imagine for a moment that Doctor Ebakor has a monopoly on the spellcasting game. Next I checked out, Inspiration and Expert Advice for any Change in your Life, where I found a short boilerplate post about how Divorce is hard, and your first month will likely be spent having feelings and stuff.  But the real action was in the comments, as a battle royale broke out between the partisans of various magical Finders of Lost Loves:
Hello to the world i am Leroy..
Word of advice, Leroy: if you don't want people to assume you're a bot, maybe don't introduce yourself with a line that makes you sound like a C++ compiler.
i want to say that Dr Bully the mighty spell caster from India. He is the only spell caster that can help you solve your problem in 48 hours...after passing through a lot of problems in my marriage, i contacted Dr Bully Shrine in Mumbai India and in 48 hours, my wife who we were divorced for 4 years is back to me for ever...
Granted, she's in a variety of different formaldehyde-filled jars, but still...
Dr Bully is highly spiritual and can never disappoint you in any problem. No matter what type of Relationship, Marital, Getting Pregnant, Want a Baby,Court Case and disease you have, he is definitely the best answer for you in 48 hours...
I'm sorry, maybe I'm spoiled by today's modern spellcasting technology, but after the kind of 12 to 16 hour service people routinely get from Doctor Ebakor, 48 hours is excruciating. It's the age of the digital camera phone, baby, and this is like waiting two days to get your snapshots back from the drug store.

However, Dr Bully does seem to offering a wider array of services than his competitors:
(1) If you want your ex back.(2) you need a divorce in your relationship.(3) You want to be promoted in your office.(4) You want women & men to run after you.(5) If you want a child.6) You want to be rich.(7) You want to tie your husband & wife to be yours forever.(8) If you need financial stance.(9) He can make you pregnancy
Full disclosure: I'm currently involved in a lawsuit with Dr Bully because I hired him to GET BACK MY GAY BOYFRIEND, but he made me pregnancy instead. 

Next up was an unsolicited testimonial for dr. trust:
Hi My name is "BEKAR JOE" I was married for 15years with lilian. things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... 
Every time you asked her to call you "BEKAR JOE", I presume.

But it's not just men with crappy marriages who shout their unlikely nicknames at the top of their lungs. There's also the quiet heartbreak of Angela, from Columbia.
I was frustrated and did not know want to do until i saw some testimonies on the internet about people with similar problem and all other kind of problem and how a (spell caster) or (witch doctor) call Metodo Acamu helped them with spells. Me being me, contacted him with the address that was left on the internet 
(Chuckling)  Oh, that is so you.  Or so Raven. One or the other.
and like every (witch doctor) in know in Colombia he asked that i provide the materials needed for the work most of then were only found in India and Somalia i just gave him the money to get them for me because i told him i could not get them he offered to help me with his contact there. 
You know, this whole thing sounded kind of fishy until you got to the part about sending a stranger whose name sounds like an unsolvable anagram a blank check to buy witchcraft supplies from Somalia, but now I'm sold!
It was only after seven days he contacted with news of completed the work and sent me a package am not to disclose through some courier service underground that deliver thing like this. 
I believe it's the same courier that delivered that box to Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en.

Now as tempted as I am by (witch doctor) Metodo Acamu, I find myself coming back to Doctor Ebakor, because he's obviously the most legitimate, peer-reviewed spellcaster in the field.  Encomia to his prowess have also been found on WebMD, in a section devoted to helping children with autism (because they might also someday have EXs who could only be retrieved through the use of Somalian notions and sundries), and on the official website for the Steve Harvey radio show, where things turned into a spellcaster customer catfight!
My names is Alice Owens am from canada i want to use this opportunity to thank Dr guru the great doctor who bring back my husband which makes me very happy today so i could not keep the wonderful work he has done for me so i decide to share it with you all because he is real not like those who eat up my money and never do anything for me
I had someone like that in my life, too; someone who ate up all my money and never did anything for me. It was the vending machine in the break room, and maybe I was expecting too much, I mean we weren't even engaged, but I still felt betrayed when I'd slip those quarters into its slot, and try to do it all sexy like Mickey Rourke feeding strawberries to a blindfolded Kim Basinger in 9½ Weeks and it still wouldn't drop that package of Dolly Madison Zingers.
...until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility
I don't want to condone that kind of behavior, but I have to admit, if some guy in brown shorts with a clipboard showed up at my door and said he had an unwanted pregnancy for me, I don't think I'd sign for it either.
i was doubting if this man was the solution,because i have tried so many fake Doctor on the internet but they only eat up my money and never work for me so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just 12hours and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after 12hours i heard a knock on the door i went and open the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness
Again, I hate to be a septic, but is it possible that Dr. guru didn't use magic, and just hired two guys to break her husband's shins, and dump him on the doorstep?  And some of these stories sound awfully familiar. Like the woman who "never use to believe in spell casting until i met Dr Oga a powerful spell caster." As usual, she had "4 years of Broken marriage" and "almost committed suicide," until she blundered into some Consumer Reports sorcerery reviews:
some testified that he restores womb, cure cancer and other sickness, and so on. 
Yeah, yeah, but as we learned from Doctor Ebakor's Yelp page, that's all par for the witchdoctor course.  Gives us a fresh angle.
I also came across a testimony a woman called Anita, she testified about how his spell made her to be pregnant after so many years of bareness
Well all I can say is, if you spent years in the nude and still couldn't get knocked up, the guys in your neighborhood have unusually high sales resistance.

"Trish Eckles" posted the following (in fact, she felt so strongly about it she posted it twice in a row):
Am sharing this article to the world to know that spell casting is real with the help of Doctor Ebakor. I have been married with my wife for the past 7 years without a child and it got to the point that my mum drove my wife away all because she was not able to bear a child....
It seems a little harsh to drive away your daughter-in-law just because your lesbian daughter can't get her pregnant.
He prepared a returning love spell that brought back my wife and a conceiving spell that made my wife pregnant. 
You call it a "conceiving spell," Doctor Ebakor calls it "crawling into bed with your wife while you're passed out on the living room sofa after an L Word marathon."

And then, finally, there's this Cosmopolitan article, which is ostensibly about reasons a guy might turn down sex, but is actually just an excuse to host a rumble between various spellcaster groupies.  Dr. Dan's fans fight it out with Dr. agbuza aficionados; dr osumand gets a shout-out from all his "brothers in christ", who I'm sure are usually to be founding hanging out in large numbers in the Cosmo comments section, while Dr. Okosun1 takes on both Doctor Ebakor (of course) and the mysterious (, who has apparently had his name legally changed to his own hotmail address. Or maybe it's someone else's hotmail address; I mean it's not like anyone ever checks their hotmail account, so who'd know?

But by this point it doesn't matter, because I don't know which to choose. Not only am I confronted by an embarrassment of (witch doctor) riches, but my wife hasn't even left me yet, so I don't see how I could justify this line item at the next monthly household budget meeting.


Carl said...

I am Grindr from the planet Ballsac and I am here to tell you how you may consume mass quantities and gain no adipose tissue with this singular bizarre spell casting...

heydave said...

That is so hinky.

I'll just click and get this one weird tip to do all that, and more, for me.

maryclev said...

Tonight on "This Old Womb", Bob Vila describes how he plans to put in track lighting so her husband's sperm can find their way to her unfertilized egg! Only on HGTV!