Sunday, August 30, 2015

Happy Birthday, Doc Logan! The Ticking Clock Edition!

Okay, it's 11:54 here on the west coast, which gives me six minutes to post these birthday greetings and claim they're not technically belated. First, a quick apology for the tardiness: my disc is bulging like Belgium in 1944, and I'm down to my last Hydrocodone pill, which I've been saving for a pitch meeting in Burbank on Thursday, so I'm currently reduced to laying immobile on the floor or bed, because whenever I attempt to move I emit a screaming noise like a howler monkey who's just slammed his prehensile tail in the car door, and that seems to disturb Mary as she goes about her lesson planning.

Even more disturbing are the persistent, yet fading wails of agony that follow, and seem to suggest the motorist was blithely unaware of the tail stuck in the door and drove away, dragging the monkey behind the car like Aunt Edna's dog in National Lampoon's Vacation.

Doctor Logan, artist's conception

I've been trying to watch a bad zombie movie, and as a sign of respect for Doc's nic de blog, gift him with a typically disrespectful review, but I can only sit at the computer for about ten minutes at a time, so I'm afraid this sucker's gonna have to be published in serial form (hey, it was good enough for Dickens!)

In the meantime, Moondoggie has seized control of my iPhone and is sexting the crap out of Doc with these sultry selfies.  (They're naughty, sure, yet dispatched with a sense of innocent fun which I just know is gonna boomerang, and all these shots are gonna show up on TMZ by tomorrow morning.)

Anyway, Doc is an old and valued member of the commentariat, and I didn't want to shortchange him on his special day, so we spent the extra $4.80 at Sears, and for the first time in Wo'C history, the cake itself is decorated with Sexy Birthday Lizards!

And as for the cheesecake portion of the festivities, we've secured the precode services of Frances Dee, from I Walked With a Zombie, who's here to give the seduction-by-selfie types another Master Class in the art of Bedroom Eyes:

I don't know what kind of filter she's using on her phone there, but...rrrrower!

Okay, let's see...cake, check. Lizards, check. Hollywood glamour, check.  Yep, I think I'm good to go and ready to make another attempt at The Dead and the Damned. But I can't promise it'll be done by tomorrow, so Doc, I'm afraid I'll have to pull the old Wimpy scam: I'll gladly pay you a Better Living Through Bad Movies-style review on Tuesday for a birthday wish today.

Hope it was a great one, and I ask all my more punctual friends to please feel free to hogpile on Doc with some appropriate felicitations of your own.


grouchomarxist said...

A joyous natal anniversary to you, Doc! Say "Argh!" to Bub for me.

D. Sidhe said...

Happy birthday, Doc. The lizards don't look that sexy, and don't seem to be celebrating a birthday. On the other hand, it kind of looks like one of the more edible items we see on this blog, so, okay. Also, it's not Ann Coulter, so there's that.

(All About Me postscript because I am an asshole and it's All About Me, Scott, can we skip the cheesecake, beefcake, and Vienna Sausage orange gelatin upside-down cake this year for my upcoming birthday and just go with Moondoggie pics? Because he is awesome. You don't even have to type anything, though a birthday lizard would not go unappreciated.)

Scott said...

No assholery involved, D. -- I can absolutely fill that order. In fact, requests are appreciated; it's a labor saver that allows me to spend less time sitting up at the computer and more time whimpering on the sofa.

M. Bouffant said...

Happy many returns (or reruns) & late too, Doc!

"Vienna Sausage orange gelatin upside-down cake" Ah, I fondly remember D.'s recipes.

And do go easy on my anniv. too.

Unknown said...

Happy Birthday, Doc. Lang may yer lum reek.

Li'l Innocent said...

Tried posting this yesterday, but the ether wasn't having it.
So belated belatedness.

Well, Doc, I'd much rather wish you the happiest of just-was-birthdays than fill out the census/test form for our abode, believe you me. IMO your celebratory lizards look more like a tortoise and a small hippo about to tie the knot in blackface, as imagined by Walt Kelly on one of his surrealer days... and you may feel that this is an **entirely** appropriate image for your birthday. I mean, who am I, or anyone, to say it isn't? And you can't improve on Frances Dee's invitation to unbend your cummerbund, loosen your white tie, flip your tails neatly over your thighs as you descend to the chaise-longue on the veranda under the stars while the orchestra slides thru a Cole Porter tune or two, and join her in a bottle of delicately chilled Veuve Clicquot.
It'll make the zombies go down easier.

(Hey Scott, so sorry about your back, hon. When you're feeling more the thing, will you disclose some of your sources for glamour shots and strange advertising images? And I'll have what Moondoggie's having, btw.)

heydave said...

Yowsa to all them pics, and many happy returns!

Dr.BDH said...

Wow, great cake! (Happy birthday, Doc.)

Godzilla and Senator Mitch O'Connell, in black face, dripping with chocolate sauce. Is this some Evangelical baker's idea of what a gay wedding cake should look like?

Doc Logan said...

Scott, really, you shouldn't have. I'm no stranger to pain myself, and I'd have been much happier if you had just rested and got around to the birthday salutation at a more convenient time. That said, wow, what a birthday salutation! Sorry I'm so late in replying, but my internet connection is actively tormenting me and I'm only able to respond now through extraordinary measures.

Thank you to Moondoggie for the picture. See, kids, this is how it's done. None of this Anthony Weiner webcam-between-the-knees business.

The cake is spectacular. Since Godzilla weighs in at 164,000 tons, I claim this as the heftiest SBL ever. His handsome groom is really neat, and I have it upon reliable authority that he is also full of turtle meat.

Shells, teeth, eyes, flames, claws, breath, scales, fun!

(sorry, got a bit carried away there)

As for the profoundly lovely Ms. Frances Dee, wow. Classic Hollywood glamor there. I've become accustomed to the more modern zombie film femme fatales like Asia Argento, but it is important (and fun!) to look back.

Many, many thanks due to grouchomarxist (whose review of "Frogs" helped me cope with ancient and deep seated cinematic trauma), D. Sidhe, M. Bouffant, Sue Z Boo, Li'l Innocent, heydave and Dr BDH, as well as the entire Crap community! World O' Crap audiences are the greatest audiences in the world!