Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Scientific American

All right, we went five rounds with Philosophy in our last post, now it's time to give Science! a chance to kick our ass.  (But just regular Science!, not the Sweet Science, because I think that'd probably give it an unfair advantage in the ring).  So who's on the card today?  An old ham 'n egger familiar to regular fans of World O' Crap's Underground Bloodsport Kumite and Souplantation -- James (The Ravagin' Rationalist) Lewis, who in his previous bouts (examples here and here), modestly allowed that he's "a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly".  James is wearing blue and brown trunks with white trim, representing the muddy, but patriotic color scheme of American Thinker.
An Uncontrollable Ego 
IRS. FBI. NSA... Under Obama they consistently exceed their previously understood legal powers. Yes, there was technical consent by the secret FISA court for massive NSA spying. In times of national threat the FISA court is a pushover; just imagine if they said "No" and we had another 9/11/01.
When has the FISA court ever not been a pushover?  Hell, I've got a partially herniated disc and a torn rotator cuff and I could throw it up against the lockers and take its lunch money.  But as we shall see, it's not the mere technical legality of NSA and FBI spying that troubles Mr. Lewis.  Nor is it the fact that the IRS didn't really spy on anybody, but James needed one more three initial agency and he's hoping you won't notice that he just sort of tossed it in there like a fistful of corn starch to thicken up his thin sauce of an opening sentence.  No, what bothers him most is that the organs of U.S. intelligence gathering and Federal law enforcement are now under the control of a Negro -- which is the exact same nightmare J. Edgar Hoover once had after catching a dollar matinee of Watermelon Man at the Uptown Theater.

But first, James will demonstrate his mastery of the scientific method by imagining Supreme Court Justices piercing the Bill of Rights with phallic symbols:
So they drove a dagger into the U.S. Constitution rather than stand for principle, the way Chief Justice John Roberts helped damage the Constitution by voting for ObamaCare, and the Burger Court shafted the Constitution and ruined millions of young lives with unrestricted abortion.
I was hoping it wouldn't happen so soon in the post, but I'm afraid my lack of scientific training is already beginning to tell, because I'm confused about whose "young lives" were "ruined" by abortion after Warren Burger poked his penis through the parchment at the National Archives.  I mean,  I'm used to right bloggers complaining that abortion "kills millions of babies," but I don't agree that it ruins a young woman's life if she's not forced to bring an unwanted pregnancy to term.  Or maybe James has access to secret scientific studies which indicate the "abortion is murder" trope isn't getting as much traction as they expected, and is just trying out a new spin:

"What happens when you've got a souffle in the oven and you open the door too soon?  The souffle is ruined!  Well, the same thing happens when you've got a bun in the oven..."
Perhaps the most damaging Leftist assault ever was reverse discrimination to make up for white racial sins going back to the slave trade that ended in 1865; that racialist revenge narrative still drives reverse discrimination, forty years after the start of "affirmative" action. It will never end, as long as there is a penny to be made on racial blackmail.
Hm...there seems to be something missing from Mr. Lewis's data set.  Maybe some trend or social order that existed between the end of the "slave trade" in 1865, and the beginnings of affirmative action in 1965.  Maybe something having to do with state and local laws....of a race-based nature...?  Had kind of a short, catchy nickname...You know what I'm talking about, right, Jim?
The equal protection clause is gone. 
Suddenly, there was no trail.  No clause.  No monster.  There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves along with shadows and darkness.  So I guess the joke's on us.
Every time the left imagines another victim group, that gaping wound in constitutional protections grows larger and larger
Anytime anyone who isn't a white man uses a constitutional protection, it's like giving the 14th Amendment an episiotomy.
 -- first on behalf of American blacks, then for all "people of color," then women and gays, and now, illegal immigrants.
Those are all great, very imaginative victim groups, but I'm thinking we can push the envelope a bit more. 
"What about, like, super hot Silvan Elves who earn only 73 cents on the dollar compared to a Man of the West?"
 Reverse racial discrimination has empowered an unelected political class growing fat and thuggish on a new spoils system. With ObamaCare, racial spoils may capsize our elected ship of state, leaving only an EU-type corruptocracy.
Affordable healthcare leads to obesity and The Poseidon Adventure.
The Left has pushed against the Constitution beginning with the Wilson administration and World War I.
Which was pretty stupid of them, because it says clearly right there on the Constitution, "Pull."  But what do you expect from a perpetually stoned Yippie like A. Mitchell Palmer?
 What's different about Obama is his Leninist grandiosity, combined with amazing oppositional-defiant disorder.
So, Mr. Science, you're diagnosing our 51-year old President with a behavioral affliction common to children?  Why don't you just call him "Boy" and get it out of your system?
 In street language that means his f-u attitude.
Thanks for the translation, it saved me a trip to Urban Dictionary, but I'm a little surprised The Street is so squeamish about profanity.

MAN:  Can I have a sip of that?
STREET:  No!  Get the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks away from my M-Fing ice tea!
Obama takes pleasure in waving his finger in the air while violating our most precious values. Obama's narcissism and oppositional-defiance therefore control his official actions.
While Supreme Court Chief Justices are using the Constitution as a Fleshlight, Obama is out there flouting our precious belief that high government officials shouldn't mime prostate exams.
The week after Obama's first inauguration, commuters in New York City were shocked when Air Force One buzzed the Statue of Liberty. When the White House was queried nobody took responsibility. But only the President of the United States can override standing orders and FAA safety rules in that symbolic act of giving the middle finger to the whole country, within sight of the ruined Twin Towers.
Presidents of the United States must always travel with two briefcases: the "Football," which contains the nuclear launch codes, and the "Shuttlecock," which contains the phone number of the FAA, just in case the leader of the free world gets a yen to make Air Force One buzz around lower Manhattan like it's a big-ass Cox Mustang.

In fact, it was some guy in some office in the White House who approved the flyover of a plane that wasn't actually Air Force One, so they could snap some pictures, which the FAA doesn't actually seem to have any rules against, and which most people have completely forgotten about, since it happened back in 2009.  But James appears haunted by Obama's middle finger, whether literal or symbolic, so you can see why this kind of thing would have lodged inside his consciousness, at least up to the second knuckle.
Today the Europeans are genuinely afraid of Obama. If you doubt that, look at these two news photos. The first shows Frau Merkel looking with fear and doubt in her eyes at Obama in Germany this week. 
I'm no expert in psycho-photo-analysis, but all I see is a picture of Chancellor Merkel looking German.  Maybe a little extra German, but it could just be that her plastic ear thingy is pinching.
Merkel started life as a communist in East Germany, but seems acutely aware of personality cults like Stalin's and Obama's. She fears what she knows.
But she knows what she likes, and you can tell she's thinking, "If I wasn't a frau I would tear that up."
The second photo shows Britain's David Cameron doing that little head bow that politicians do around Obama. Both photos show fear of Obama's arbitrary temper and rage, which is by now understood by governments around the world.
Yes, you can see the Prime Minister has gone rigid with terror, and appears to be releasing a cascade of urine down his leg in the hopes that if he can only hold this pose, Obama might mistake him for the Manneken Pis fountain and just take a snapshot.
Merkel's look is particularly revealing, because it was her job this week to protest against Obama's unbounded NSA spying against Germans and other Europeans, who have known Obamas before --- Mussolini, Hitler, Lenin, Stalin, and a raft of other control freaks who became enraged when their orders were not followed. Led by our loathsome media, many Americans took the public revelations about Obama's abuses of power with a shrug. The Germans did not, because they still suffer from earlier generations of Obamas.
Obama's "Show Trials" may lack the authenticity of Stalin's purges, but thanks to the President's dupes in the entertainment industry, they do feature jazzier Show Trial Tunes.
The Muslim world has come to the same conclusion. The farcical Arab Spring started after Obama told Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak to leave office, arbitrarily, in the single most blatant act of public imperialism in American history.
It's the total arbitrariness of Obama's decision-making that's so frightening, because you never know when he wakes up if he'll order a Denver omelet and a glass of grapefruit juice, or demand the resignation of a world leader and then just grab some Sanka and an Eggo frozen waffle.

Even more mystifying is the fact that protests erupted in Cairo on January 25, and by February 8, the President was still refusing to call for Mubarak's resignation.  So in order for Obama to have started the Arab Spring by firing the Egyptian President, he would need a time machine, which explains why James sounds less like he's doing Science, and more like he's writing fiction -- because he's actually doing both.  It's Science Fiction!
Based on his own messianic authority, Obama has brought nothing but war and suffering to the Middle East.
Okay, Obama hasn't been the best messiah we've ever had in the Middle East, but to be fair, George W. Bush, Prince of Peace, is a hard act to follow.
The Saudis fear him as a wild man who has brought Mecca and Medina within easy range of Iranian nuclear weapons. Israel has not been damaged so far, but they don't want a wild man running U.S. policy either.
I'm guessing James' field is astrophysics, since he seems to have discovered a mirror universe where everybody sports goatees.
Politics is worse today than it has been for decades, because of the rise of the Boomer Left, culminating in Obama the Messiah.
Which, when you're expecting Jesus, is sort of like when you open the door in a game of "Mystery Date" and get the sloppy beatnik instead of the crewcut guy with the corsage.
Wise policymakers understand the limits of their power and end up practicing the rule of "First, Do No Harm." We now have a U.S. president who has turned that upside-down: First, do some harm.
Please do not reveal the incredible twist ending to James' previous paragraph.  Especially if M. Night Shyamalan is within earshot.
It hasn't worked, and it won't. Obama is a loose cannonball. He has only one guiding principle, the aggrandizement of his own ego. But just one Nobel Peace Prize, just one presidency, can never be enough for his insatiable needs. Obama will always need more. 
Obama wants to control everything except himself. That has always been a formula for tyranny, and Obama is no exception. 
Character is destiny.
It would also appear, James, that cartoon character is destiny -- especially if you're destined to write for American Thinker.


Carl said...

IRS. FBI. NSA... Under Obama they consistently exceed their previously understood legal powers.

Obama's been President since Watergate????

Not much of a scientist there, brother.

Helmut Monotreme said...

I missed when everyone not in lock step with the reactionary right became mecha-stalin. Any objection to unbridled capitalism married to evangelical theocratic "morality" is treason these days? Disagreements with the right wing can't be positions arrived at through experience, due consideration and a working knowledge of human history and psychology? The only explanation for opposing the right is because of some psychological defect? This guy must be a treat to work with. "The only reason you want bagels instead of doughnuts at the morning meeting is because of you sociopathic hatred of all that is good and right" "They rejected my paper, clearly this exposes those frauds at 'Nature' as Stalinist totalitarians"

Chris Vosburg said...

James Lewis writes: Obama is a loose cannonball.

Not a loose cannon, mind you, a loose cannonball.

I see what you did there.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

In times of national threat the FISA court is a pushover; just imagine if they said "No" and we had another 9/11/01.

Let's imagine that the Bush Administration had acted on the many warnings they'd received about 9-11. We didn't need a massive spying network to stop it.

Kathy said...

The first shows Frau Merkel looking with fear and doubt in her eyes at Obama in Germany this week. Remember her expression when Bush gave her a "neck rub"?

grouchomarxist said...

That loud "thud!" you just heard was the sound of Lewis falling over backwards after beginning to froth at the mouth.

Extra points for working in a reference to Monster A-Go-Go, btw. Wonder if our scientific Jeremiah and the producer/co-director are related?

Scott said...

Interesting possibility. But given that Herschell Gordon Lewis was not only the Father of the Splatter Film, but also a professor of English Literature and the author of several influential books on copywriting and direct mail campaigns, I suspect he gets the good chair at Thanksgiving dinner, while James has to eat at the cardtable where kids have mashed potato fights and spill Hawaiian Punch in his lap.

Anonymous said...

If GMarxist gets to get subtle references, so do I.
"my souffle is ruined" is a shoutout to The Bloggess and Juanita Weasel but Scott left out the word motherf*cking to protect our sensibilities.
Neener, neener.

Anonymous said...

Now I'm confused. I thought it was a good thing when people feared our presidents, like W or St. Ronnie or the Mad Man Richard Nixon.
There's probably something different about Obama, I just can't think what that might be.

Li'l Innocent said...

James needed one more three initial agency and he's hoping you won't notice that he just sort of tossed it in there like a fistful of corn starch.

Far better (for everyone) if James had realized that with a little syn-co-pay-shun (that Afro-inspired innovayshun) he could have had the germ of a great Beach Boys cover:

"f-BEE-i, i-ARE-ess, you make me wanna CON-fess
n-ESS-a, and FEE-sa, oooo I wanna please ya..."

I leave the rest to more agile minds. That wouldn't be Jammin' James, who I don't suppose has syncopated anything in his entire life. And he's a scientist like I'm a Navy SEAL.

Bill the Splut said...

But just one Nobel Peace Prize, just one presidency, can never be enough for his insatiable needs. Obama will always need more.

"I NEED another Peace Prize! To get one, I MUST DESTROY THE WORLD!
"Also, to clone myself so I can be another president. I'll call myself...Binky O'Hara! The fools will never suspect!"

HarpoSnarx said...

"In street language that means his f-u attitude."

Gawd Lewis could have spared everyone that scatological screed by just starting with that quote.

We all know, nothing rankles the Goopers more than one of them thar "uppidy" types who won't wear the jockey uniform at Plantation Deen.