Monday, June 10, 2013

The Answer My Friend, Is Ablow

You know, it's been awhile since we last consulted one of the many distinguished headshrinkers who specialize in distance-diagnosing President Obama and his liberal enablers -- far too long, in fact.  So set your 50-minute timer, grab a box of Kleenex, and let's all have a breakthrough!

According to his bio, "Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team."  He also looks like a cross between Terry O'Quinn and Telly Savalas -- kind of a John Lockjak, so don't be surprised if during your session he sucks on a lollypop or gets possessed by the Man in Black (or vice versa).  Anyway, if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the Fox News Medical A-Team.  They seem kind of whorish and not very picky.

Dr. Ablow's credentials are surprisingly legit for a man in his field ("He received his Doctor of Medicine degree from Johns Hopkins Medical School in 1987, and completed his psychiatry residency at the Tufts-New England Medical Center") although some of his more recent ventures have sharply veered off the high road, plunged down an embankment, and exploded in a fireball, as mandated by the 1975 Supreme Court ruling Monza v. Mannix.
During May, 2011 Ablow launched Dr. Keith Ablow Life Coaching, offering a team of life coaches trained by him who are experts at applying the content of his books Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty and The 7: Seven Wonders that Will Change Your Life. The Life Coaching business ultimately failed, and was discontinued due to a lack of interest, as it is no longer an option on his website.
I've never been quite sure what a "life coach" does, but I assume they sit across from you with a megaphone yelling "Breathe!  Breathe! Breathe!" and if you die, they gruffly order you to "walk it off."  Actually, now that I think about it, life coaches probably explain this influx of zombies we've been having lately.

Anyway, since Dr. Ablow wrote an entire book about Truth and Honesty (I haven't read it, but I'm assuming he took the "pro" position), we can expect that the following piece will be one of the rare articles which eschews tendentious arguments and confines itself solely to proven facts.
Is Obama waging psychological warfare on Americans?
I must admit, that's a pretty provocative question, but I'm not really in the mood to wade through an 825 word article, even if it does mean discovering the truth about whether the President is at war with my psyche.  Fortunately, is well-acquainted with the attention span of its average reader, so the question is answered in the first thirteen words:
I believe that the Obama administration is conducting psychological warfare on conservative Americans. 
And there you have it.  Okey doke then, I guess you can all go on about your business now.  Thanks for stopping by, have a good day...
Not only that...
but it is also waging this war on all Americans who previously viewed themselves, their country, their Constitution and their overwhelming belief in God as a force for good in the world.
So...I guess that means the conservative Americans mentioned in the first sentence view themselves, their country, their Constitution and their overwhelming belief in God as a force of evil?
"What?  Oh, uh, just receiving another tax deductible donation for my 501(c)(4) social welfare organization."
The psychological warfare began with an apology tour in which President Obama publicly “confessed,” presuming to speak for all of us, for the shortcomings of America and our supposed contributions to tyranny and all manner of evils around the world.
At first, this Certs-like combination sentence/paragraph struck me as gibberish.  Then I remembered that "Ablow co-founded the New England Brain-Mind Institute"...
As seen in the motion picture Bowfinger...

...which uses hour-long doses of the veterinary anesthetic ketamine to treat mental illness; so in an attempt to the meet the same high standards of journalistic rigor that Dr. Ablow demonstrates, I went to Wonderland on Cahuenga and scored a hit of Special K.  Now I'm following his argument perfectly, although not that paramedic's finger that's moving slowly back and forth in front of my eyes.
This confession planted in the American mind the notion that our values and beliefs might not be in line with freedom and truth.
Yes, Obama spilled the beans, but to be fair, the secret that our values and beliefs might not be in line with freedom and truth almost got out in 1787, when they started passing the Constitution around the states for ratification; fortunately, nobody squealed to the ladies and the slaves.
The president, with the help of his administration, is attempting to conduct psychological warfare on Americans who value autonomy and free will.
I guess we should have expected that, since he promised several times during the campaign to "mind-fuck everyone but the Calvinists."
It was reinforced by the first lady stating during the 2008 presidential campaign that she had never felt pride in our country.
Wow, that's an oldie. It's like I've tuned into the Classic Rock station of right wing b.s.
These statements were seemingly shrugged off by Americans who, collectively, seemed to be telling themselves that they were hearing discontent channeled from disenfranchised groups in our nation who, nonetheless, loved the country—and all of us, too.
Look, I like you as a country, but I feel like we're moving a little too fast...
But, deep inside the American psyche, something more malignant could have been planted—the seeds of self-hatred and self-doubt. And I no longer believe that those seeds were planted unintentionally by people as smart and capable as the president and first lady.
And what's the first thing Michelle Obama did when she got her hands on the Executive Mansion? She "broke ground on the largest and most expansive vegetable garden to date on the White House lawn" and immediately planted seeds of self-hatred and self-doubt, then dug a nice celery trench.
The psychological warfare has continued, I believe, with other opportunities the president has had to make American’s question their individual freedoms and autonomy.
He's cleverly undermined American's faith in proper apostrophe placement!
This has included misrepresenting horrific crimes, such as the one which unfolded in Newtown, Connecticut, as evidence of the need for gun control measures, when they clearly evidenced a need for revamping our mental health care system.
We don't need to disarm our jittery, violent citizens when we can simply release roving bands of psychiatrists to accost them on the street and shove cameras in their face:  "Ablow also performs (as a 'documentary' style television experience...he terms 'Street Therapy' wherein he approaches apparent strangers on the street with a camera crew and engages them in conversations about their personal problems on camera...There are a number of ethical concerns regarding this practice. However, Ablow is no longer a member of the American Psychiatric Association...and is therefore no longer bound to uphold those standards.")

Registering assault weapons and banning high capacity magazines will have absolutely no meaningful impact on gun violence in this country.  Our only rational hope of preventing another movie house, college campus, or elementary school massacre lies in identifying mentally unstable and heavily armed American's, then soothing them with shouted interrogations about their toilet training and masturbation habits, conducted on public street corners in the harsh glare of TV camera lights.
Gun rights are inextricably entwined in the American psyche with freedom to defend oneself. Attacking gun rights, I believe, is an element of the psychological warfare on the American belief that force is justifiable when confronting evil.
...or at least when trying to impress Jody Foster.
My belief that psychological warfare is being deployed on Americans by this American president and his administration has been solidified as news has come out of the targeting of conservative groups by the IRS.
It's fortunate for your side in the war, Doctor, that your beliefs don't require evidence to be solidified, only news.  Must really shorten your supply lines.
This black ops targeting doesn’t just have the effect of slowing the financial momentum of these groups. It has the goal of dispiriting them and making them feel helpless to achieve their goals.
This was the secret mission of Seal Team Six the night they landed in Osama bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad -- to fill him with a sense of futility and ennui.  But due to a garbled text message from Command (thanks, Autocorrect!), they misunderstood their orders and filled him with lead, thus depriving the world of a clinically depressed criminal mastermind who would train a new generation of emo terrorists that wouldn't really get much done in the bombing and shooting department, because why even bother killing people, when they don't care about us?  Nobody cares about us!  All our potential victims are such phonies...
If liberal Americans stand by and do not seek swift and severe justice for those who perpetrated these acts, then they will have tacitly been victimized, too.
You know what we do in these parts to folks who dispirit Tea Party organizations, and make their members suffer feelings of helplessness and loss of financial momentum?  We hang 'em!  Of course, that means gettin' a lynch mob together, but I can't seem to find my phone tree list, and most folks are at work this time of day anyway, and traffic's kind a bad right now 'cause they got things tore up over there where they're putting in the bypass, and...ah hell, what's the point?
Because they will have tacitly agreed that it is acceptable for their government to target certain political movements for persecution—and that will have fundamentally changed the psyche of America.
I'd love to see Dr. Ablow's prescription pad ("Take two tax breaks with food and save the receipts, because the meals are also tax deductible.")
Seen through the lens of psychological warfare, the failure to defend our embassy in Benghazi need not be understood simply as a screw-up.
As a writer, I'm naturally fascinated by the methods employed by other members of the profession, and after careful study, it appears that Dr. Ablow goes about constructing a logical argument by imagining that his subject -- in this case, the Obama Administration -- is the eponymous mammal in a game of Whack-A-Mole.
 It could reflect an actual strategy on the part of the administration to reinforce the notion that homicidal violence born of hatred toward America is understandable—even condonable—because we have generated it ourselves and are reaping the harvest of ill will we have sown. In other words, we should take our punishment.
I don't know about that, but somebody needs to take their medicine...
The president said as much when he blamed the murder of our Ambassador to Libya on a film that criticized Islam.

This misstatement may disclose not just incompetence and may not just be evidence of a cover-up, but may be evidence of exactly what I am theorizing here: that the president, with the help of his administration, is attempting to conduct psychological warfare on Americans who value autonomy and free will and free markets and small government, by convincing them that they are wrong-minded, prejudiced and pathological and should deeply question their beliefs—including some ensconced in the Constitution.
Chief among them is the 7th Amendment, which guarantees the inalienable right to make YouTube videos without getting hassled by the Man.  Or Chico for that matter.
The wiretapping of journalists would be, then, just another black ops technique in an ongoing war against our freedoms.
It's even worse than you think, Doc.  The Administration has not only wiretapped journalists, they also spied on a guy who works for Fox News!
There will be those that say that many American leaders have sought to target groups hostile to their views. Some will point to President Nixon or Senator McCarthy or J. Edgar Hoover. And that debate can be had.

But I assert that this administration is engaged in a coordinated attempt to dispirit, disarm and disenfranchise large portions of the American population and to weaken our founding principles through what is best understood as psychological warfare.
Again, as an aspiring writer I take every opportunity I can to learn from my betters, and I notice that Dr. Ablow has now used the phrase "psychological warfare" eleven times, demonstrating that he can drive home a point the same way John Henry drove steel (although he doesn't seem to possess an equivalent flair for drama, or he would have realized that this would be the perfect point in the essay to drop dead).
And with that statement in the public domain, let us, at least, be aware and notice how many events unfold in-keeping with it, over the next months and years.
I honestly don't know what "unfold in-keeping" means, but I'm guessing it has something to do with motel owners who pass the time by sabotaging origami.
The enemy of psychological warfare is the knowledge of what is really happening to us and remembering who we really are.
I don't actually have a joke for this, I just wanted to make sure you guys got an even dozen of psychological warfare (although the next time it's my turn, I think I'm gonna bring glazed crullers, or maybe chocolate-dipped maple logs instead).


Carl said...

Fox News Medical A-Team

*lighting stogie*

I love it when the derp comes together...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The answer, my fiends, is ablowin' in the wind.

Anonymous said...

Soooo baaasssiiiccly...
His little article thingie is psychological warfare against consevatives designed to introduce the idea that 'Merca aint exactly the place that consevatives are raised to say they believe it is.
Or, something like that.

Carl said...

I believe that the Obama administration is conducting psychological warfare on conservative Americans.

It's called "trolling", Ablow. I'm surprised a "psychologist" such as yourself is not aware of this facet of the human mind.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

"Attacking gun rights, I believe, is an element of the psychological warfare on the American belief that force is justifiable when confronting evil."

...or at least when trying to impress Jody Foster.

1. Properly-aimed bullets on that day in... '81, right? I was near the end of fifth grade and got in trouble for doing the hinky-dinky vindictive monkey-dance of righteous ass-kicking when they pulled us off the buses and told us that "our" president had been shot (prolly didn't help that I chimed-in, rather loudly, "Not MY president!") --- anyfuckingway, properly-aimed bullets by that friend of teh Bushista klan truly WOULD have gone a long way towards preventing the past 32 years of REAGANOMICS EEEEEVILLLLL!!!!!!

2. Classic, Scott. And no, it's not too soon. If Jody Foster can talk about it by now, we can snork about it by now. Yes, "snark," too, obviously, but a "snork" isn't just a species of Muppet, it's that nose where we inhale on a guffaw and make that Miss-Piggy-on-PMS noise of pure wicked joy.

If only Hinkley had PRACTICED with that weapon FIRST, dammit... *sigh* You'd THINK that the Nazi-profiteering-trust-fund motherfucker who handed the gubmint over to Big Pharma AND Big Oil after Ronnie Ray-Gun went to Maggie's Farm would've pulled more of his CIA-spook strings and gotten that stoopid boy some TRAINING WITH THAT FIREARM, fer fuck's sake!

Annnnd, of course...

'I honestly don't know what "unfold in-keeping" means, but I'm guessing it has something to do with motel owners who pass the time by sabotaging origami.'

SNORK!!! Snrfgffxxxx!!!

This is just another AMA has-been/reject who's desperately a'fearin' TRULY socialized medicine, which most of us won't live to see, so bang that panic drum loud enough, and yer own frothing-at-the-mouth audience of undermedicated tinfoil-hat/hate brigades will start dropping like flies, thus clearing the way for their "betters" to get even BETTER caste-system access to EVERYTHING, and especially healthcare, which is only for those who have never filled out a Medicaid application. Kinda like those "Cancer Center of America" commercials --- even ol' butch Peggy is a small-bidness owner, otherwise she wouldn't be their pancreatic poster-girl. They don't "cure" po' folks, ya know. Not even in Tulsa.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


And hell yes, I have missed all of y'all, I just haven't had the ability to put two even-REMOTELY-"clever" words together this year. Won't bum y'all out with the whys and wherefores, just know that I'm shickled titless that I came back to such a loverly work of snark, and that even as absent as I've been, I've missed y'all. Well, MOST of y'all... heh heh heh... And if the black-bottomed blight doesn't take the majority of my tomato harvest, I'll try my best to share! Yes, Annti got a coupla plants to LIVE this year, believe it or not. Still the blackened-charred-thumb-o'-death with the lavendar, daisies, and succulents, but the tomatoes are going like gangbusters and the 'taters will be dug-up soon! Yup, real "Arsh (Irish) taters," mebbe even a sweet 'tater if I get lucky, and some yellow onions & cukes! Definitely going to make that third planting of bell-peppers, since the still-missing Chuckie (the orange-furred sociopath con-artist formerly known as "Jethro"), almost a month now, dammit --- Chuckie moidered TWO sets of multi-colored bell-pepper sprouts/seedlings, first by using that earth-bound patch as HIS PERSONAL LITTERBOX, yeah, THAT'S why I bought MIRACLE-GRO SOIL!!! Second by up-ending the plastic shoebox where I was starting the second batch. Anyway, no matter how hard/inexplicably the state-employee whores of Jindal fuck me out of my food stamps, I'll still be eating SOMETHING this summer! And no, I don't intend to "harvest" any of the neverending strain of POSSUMS in this neighborhood. I'd sooner eat the union-labor wharf rats with bigger tattoos than me and Lucky Strike smokes. Cross y'all's fingers that you don't see me on the national news, one of these rare weekends when the GOP's favorite money-whore is actually IN-STATE, using OUR jet and OUR state troopers and OUR fucking jet fuel to raise money for republicunts in fucking MONTANA and ALASKA, fer fuck's sake!!! (Fuckers could disappear Hale Boggs but COULDN'T get PIYUSH?!?!?!) There are exactly four state employees in LA who don't need killin', and even they don't vote right, and unfortunately, none of 'em have any pull with the teenaged racist twunts who've stolen my food stamps and probably reassigned them to some fucking BREEDER.

Okay, overlong rant over. Love and knishes, hug/kiss/blah-blah-blah y'all know the rap, but it's still true. Good work, Scott, glad to see you upright and snarking yer grizzled ol' arse off... heh heh heh...

Anonymous said...

Hiya, sweetie. (succinct mode on)

Weird Dave said...

I blame all the teasing Ablow got as a kid.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Was that for me, Boo? If so, XOXOXO right back atcha!

Also, in the movie-pun reference picture, doesn't that John Garfield feller look WAY too much like Goober Pyle, Gomer's cousin, who continued that "stage name" on to "Hee Haw", aka the late George "Goober" Lindsey??? First thing that popped into my head before I clicked the ref link... don't blame me, blame the rednecks who forced me to watch "Hee Haw" every fuckin' Sunday for AEONS...

And Weird Dave, that's far too kind an easy out for this particularly loathsome abuser of every Freudian misnomer in pop-psychology lore, don'tcha think?

heydave said...

What would Doc say about Pastors Giles or Swank? You got two textbooks right there, you betcha!

Anonymous said...

"I'm guessing it has something to do with motel owners who pass the time by sabotaging origami"

. . . in an attempt to overcome not only their feelings of tacitly being victimized and dispirited and helpless to achieve their goals but also to distract themselves from the unpleasant sensation arising from the intentional planting and germination within themselves by the first lady and her husband of the seeds of self-hatred and self-doubt.

Termack said...

Hang on there sloopy...if he thinks that this is true in it's entirety:

"Because they will have tacitly agreed that it is acceptable for their government to target certain political movements for persecution—and that will have fundamentally changed the psyche of America."

Then, they were political groups whom the IRS was investigating and they should not have been tax exempt. So the system would have worked just as it should have: except that it didn't work because they did get their exemptions.

So what is his problem again?