Sunday, June 2, 2013

Sundays With SZ: Sex and the Single Mole

Welcome to our weekly look back at some of the classic posts from the nine year history of World O' Crap.  Originally published October 16, 2003.

Undercover Conservative, Part 3:
Ann Coulter's Dating ClubWilliam F. Buckley's Bedtime Stories, and Don't Let Doctors Turn YOU Into Hillary Clinton!

     It's time to finish up our report on the links and ads from some of our favorite conservative sites.  But first, an update on my attempt to join the Young America Foundation's 100 Club: Well, I got in!  I have an assigned secret identity ("Freedom") and a secret password (well, I can tell you that, but it's almost as inspired as my secret identity).  But sadly, the club isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.  First, since they're going to mail my welcome package to my address at Oral Roberts University, it doesn't look like I'll ever know the point values for the various conservative activities they're trying to encourage.  (But we can speculate.  For instance, I think that "Denouncing Coming Out Week" probably got Ben Shapiro 10 points, last week's "Outing GramGram as a Druggie to Deflect the Heat from Rush" got him 20 points, while Jonah Goldberg got 50 for being editor of National Review Online.)

However, I did learn from the site that I can get 30 points for attending The Western Leadership Conference!  And here are some of the reasons why I should attend:
  • You'll get to meet and hear from some of the nation's leading conservatives.
  • You can purchase popular conservative books at drastically reduced prices.
  • You can your club members can learn the secrets of successful campus activism and how to draw the largest crowds on campus.
  • It's a chance to leave your leftist campus and be around other conservatives for a weekend.
The speakers include Michael Reagan, Peter Robinson ("Author and speechwriter in the Reagan Administration"), some activist people I've never heard of, and, as a special treat, Lionel Chetwynd, "Award-winning screenwriter, director and producer," who will be also showing his exciting made-for cable movie, DC 9/11: Time of Presidential Super-Heroics.

So, if you know of any young conservatives who want to escape their leftist campuses for a weekend of indoctrination and boring TV, sign them up for this conference.  It's only $25 (which includes food, lodgings, and materials, which makes it quite a travel bargain) -- so, if you just want a cheap weekend near Santa Barbara, you might want to attend even if your campus isn't all that leftist.  

Plus, there will be a seminar on activism training, where you will learn, among other things, how to:
  • Increase and maximize your funding from the university and private supporters; 
  • Mount a successful campaign to counter leftist attacks on your speaker;
In order to challenge the Left on campus students must not only articulate the argument for free markets and individual liberty, but also organize successful events that promote conservative ideas to other students.
Maybe I'm behind the times, but shouldn't we just let the kids, both leftist and rightist, articulate their own arguments and organize their own events?  Because otherwise they're never going to learn, and once they're President, they'll still be relying on grownups to do these kinds of things for them.

But back to the 100 Club: their message board is a letdown too.  For while it has provocative-sounding folders, such as "Left-Wing Lunacy: Expose the intolerant, silly, and otherwise questionable actions on the campus Left," that one doesn't have any posts in it.  Apparently the left just isn't coming through with intolerant and silly actions on campus anymore.  I weep for our children. 

In a folder called "Dirty Trick Campaigns: Expose how liberal administrators and/or students have attempted to stop your event through bureaucratic maneuvers or intimidation," there have only been five posts in the past four months.  It seems that Gonzaga University officials objected to posters announcing a talk on "Why the Left Hates America" on the grounds that the Left doesn't actually HATE America --  but since they still let Daniel Flynn speak, it wasn't all that dirty of a trick, and didn't provoke much discussion.  In other news, a while back some "hippies" stood next to some girl who was protesting war-protesters.  Also, the same girl complained that the evil bureaucrats at her school are requiring freshman to live in the dorms ("So instead of competing in a free market with other housing establishments, they simply want to FORCE students to buy their unsatisfactory housing!!"), but nobody seemed all that outraged by her tale.  It's sad when this is the best oppression that a campus can muster.  I encourage all liberal students and administrators to intimidate some conservatives, so these kids have something to talk about.

And that's about it on the board, except for a couple of laments about Rush, a dated prediction that Arnold was going down in flames in CA, and a sprinkling of Reagan nostalgia along the lines of "I wish I was alive when Reagan was President, because he was was a REAL conservative, and was all evil and stuff."
So, Club 100: another secret plan funded by a crazy old billionaire designed to subvert our nation by brainwashing our youth.  But still, so very not cool.

Now, on to my second update: the ANN COULTER DATING CLUB!
Well, almost.  It seems that one of Ann's paid sponsors is an online dating service called Other Singles -- and if you sign up through Ann's site, you get to be part of the Ann Coulter.Org Singles subgroup at Other Singles, now 613 members strong.  If you too want to sign up, when you get to the "politics" section on the questionnaire, leave it set on "conservative" or "very conservative", and you qualify to meet your Ann Coulter mate!  It could be one of THESE mystery dates (note: the names and the punctuation were changed for privacy reasons) :

First, here's Im4-Guns, a 28-year-old male.  He's above average in looks, just like everybody else:
What are some of the qualities you look for in someone you are dating?:
Conservative, non-smoking patriot that loves the outdoors.  
What things turn you off about someone?:Liberals, narrow mindedness, laziness  
Tell others more about yourself:The people I respect are: Garner Ted Armstrong; Ronald Reagan; Rush; Mike Reagan; Sean Hannity; Ann Coulter; Micheal Savage; and many other conservative talk radio host.  
Now, let's hear from Teddy, a 42-year-old, separated male (also an above average-looking guy):
What are some of the qualities you look for in someone you are dating?:Attractive
Desire for sex
What things turn you off about someone?:
Other men's children
Gold Diggers
While Ann's group seems to be at least 80% male (ladies, take advantage of this great opportunity!), let's meet HottieChick, a 24-year-old slender, blonde, extremely attractive, extremely stylish, woman:
What are some of the qualities you look for in someone you are dating?:I'm looking for a Conservative guy that can treat me in the fashion to which I'm accustomed. I like older men, especially if they are well-situated, but I also like younger guys that can treat me like the exciting, attractive girl I am. I dress sexily to please my man and love talking about politics and God.  
What things turn you off about someone?:Don't write me if you are obviously unattractive. I can't stand liberal politics or America-haters. Also, don't write if you can't take me out to the high-class places I like to go. I am NOT a McDonald's type of girl, and offering to take me to the park will not fool me.  
Tell others more about yourself:I am a very sexy and intelligent person. I like to talk about politics with people that agree with me, and I like high class places. 
Personally, I think that Teddy and Hottie are a match made in heaven, and I hope these two young people find each other soon.

Now, on to NRO and their wonderful treat for children: Moral Stories from National Review Books! And since these stories were all personally selected by William F. Buckley Jr, you know your kids will adore them! And they are all at least 100 years old, thus ensuring that your children aren't corrupted by the faintest hint of modernity.
The National Review Treasury of Classic Children’s Literature, (Original Volume)42 Wondrous Stories by Literary Giants, Personally Selected by William F. Buckley Jr.
This veritable celebration of tales finely told and lessons charmingly taught is a must - for your children or grandchildren, for that beloved niece, nephew, or godchild, for that nice neighborhood kid, or for the local school library.
Yes, it's not just a celebration, it's a VERITABLE celebration.  A celebration of lessons learned, morals imparted, and virtues conveyed.  Buy a copy for every kid you know, since they all need to be taught a thing or two.  Why not get one for that nice neighbor kid -- or even better, for that bratty kid who listens to the "rap" music and throws his ball in your yard.  That will fix HIS wagon.  And donate several of them to the local library, as a form of social policy.

 But wait--there's more!
NEW: The National Review Treasury of Classic Children’s Literature, Volume Two37 Wondrous Stories by Literary Giants, Personally Selected by William F. Buckley Jr.
Last year we published The National Review Treasury of Classic Children’s Literature — a big, lavishly illustrated book that featured dozens of delightful and wholesome children’s stories from some of America’s best writers from the late-19th/early-20th centuries.
Yup, that's our key selling point -- these stories are WHOLESOME. 
Like the first volume, “Treasury 2” contains dozens of stories from literary giants, many first published in St. Nicholas Magazine, the famous journal that established a Golden Age of children’s literature over a century ago. Here are some of the many authors and stories you will find:
* MARK TWAIN, the famed author of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, wrote the equally entertaining (but too-forgotten) sequel Tom Sawyer, Detective. This classic mini-novel — featuring Tom, Huck, and Jim up to their old, beloved antics — was first published in 1896 in Harper’s, and is republished here (along with all the original artwork!). You'll find it to be rollicking fun (and far superior to anything published today).
Because it's WHOLESOME!  They just don't publish anything wholesome these days, forcing kids to try to learn moral lessons from Penthouse or The National Review.
* JACK LONDON, the revered author of The Call of the Wild and so many more, appeared in our first collection. He returns in the sequel with the exciting sea tale, “The Cruise of the Dazzler.” It’s classic London, and one of five mini-novels — the others are Julia Truitt Bishop’s delightful Another Chance, Marion Ames Taggart’s The Wyndham Girls, and Adeline Knapp’s action-packed The Boy and the Baron — that will thoroughly entertain and enthrall boys and girls of all ages (while promoting those values and lessons that we share, and that are increasingly at a premium!).
Yeah, they'll be enthralled.  But more importantly, they'll be inculcated with those values and lessons which WE all share, but that which the reprobates and scoundrels who write modern children's books don't.  Because just like you just can't get good help these days unless you import it from Third World nations, you can't get properly didactic children's literature unless you dredge it up from the past.
They'll fill the special someone who reads them with that rare feeling that wonderful tales finely told impart.
Bill wrote this ad copy himself, didn't he?
FRANK BAUM entertained millions of children with his “Oz” books. He appeared in our first book, and has an encore here: His story, “Aunt ’Phroney’s Boy,” is typical of the tales in The National Review Treasury of Classic Children’s Literature, Volume Two. It’s an engaging story marked by unsurpassed prose and offering a clear lesson — precisely the kind of literature children deserve (need!) to be exposed to!
Because if they are exposed to that literature WITHOUT clear lessons, they'll waste their time ENJOYING their reading, and we can't have that.  Because if you leave it to the kids to pick their own books, they'll just read the Harry Potter books, become Satanists, and go to hell. 
Have you ever heard of Blanche Willis Howard, Elaine Goodale Eastman, or Winthrop Packard? We hadn’t, until we saw their stories — “Frieda’s Doves,” “Little Brother o’ Dreams,” and “The Wizard Shoemaker” — in St. Nicholas. It was like stumbling across priceless gemstones. And now they (and so many more like them!) are polished, gleaming, and yours to enjoy in the The National Review Treasury of Classic Children’s Literature, Volume Two.
Heck, don't bother buying the books for the kids--just make them read these ads!  They'll find them rollicking fun, and learn many important lessons as they visit a precious world of wonder and whimsy and horribly overwrought, old-fashioned prose.

Anyway, I was a pretty omnivorous reader when I was a kid, and probably would have enjoyed some of the stories in the old St. Nicholas magazines if I had found them in their original form, or in a book published in 1902 or so.  But even I, a polite, well-mannered young girl who had been gently reared on the values and lessons we all share, would have thrown this book at your head if you had given to me for Christmas, because I hated it when adults tried to dictate to me which valuable lessons I should be learning.  But hey, if YOU want to give it to a beloved niece or that nice neighborhood boy, be my guest.  But I have to warn you: this book is hefty, and will really hurt if the kid has a good arm.

And we conclude our tour of the colorful world of the paid ads at conservative sites with some gems from Newsmax, finely cut and polished to a veritable gleam, to give you that special feeling that only hucksterism well done can impart.  Plus, they offer clear lessons, and so are just the kind of thing you need to be exposed to.  Here's an especially rollicking one right from the Newsmax homepage:
Don't Let Your Doctor Turn You Into Hillary!The medical mainstream wants to turn every red-blooded man into a whining, wimpy, estrogen-filled Hillary. Don't let it happen to you!
Okay, I won't!  Let's click on the ad (Dr. Al Sears) and see how to avoid it:

MODERN MEDICINE WANTS TO TURN YOU INTO A WOMAN - AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT! Discover the true facts of male aging, health and virility from America's only Alternative Medicine Specialist for Mature Men. 
It may sound a little strong to say it, but men are not only being "feminized," we're being subjected to a slow and potentially deadly "chemical castration."
No, it's not a conspiracy. It's ignorance. A combination of outdated conventional medical theory and modern health fads. And pollution.
And what makes it worse is that all the conventional thinking on male health is garbage. Junk medicine.
In a word, bull. And for the most part, the people who tell you this are fatter, have higher blood pressure, and die sooner.

So let other people follow the crowd and starve themselves eating bibs of lettuce, bland vegetables and tofu. Let them avoid meat, stop beer and wine and the occasional shot of excellent Scotch and a fine cigar, let them spend an hour a day on the treadmill, avoid sunshine and everything else that makes life fun and pleasurable... (continued)
Yes, only Newsmax breaks stories like this: the vast, medical conspiracy to turn men into Hillary Clinton!  While this might seem like the plot of B-horror movie starring Bela Lugosi, I'm sure Newsmax wouldn't have accepted Dr. Al's advertising if he wasn't legit.  I didn't read the rest of his really, really long ad and so don't know what his plan to reverse Hillaryism entails, but it doesn't appear to involve eating right, exercising, or avoiding booze and tobacco, so it probably has the AMA's endorsement.

Now, here's something we can all use.  A way to become a millionaire ... and never pay taxes.  How, you ask?  It's easy.  First, get a million dollars.  Then, when the IRS asks you why you never paid taxes: you say two simple words: "I forgot."

Well, actually what Liberty Resources advocates is: first get a bunch of credit cards and charge all the stuff you want.  Then, don't pay for it.  And when the bank asks you why you never paid your bills, you say: "Because YOU aren't legally allowed to loan me credit, and so I don't have to pay you back!  Plus, you owe me a bunch more money, for cheating me this way." 

But they explain it better than I can: First, here's what it says on the NewsMax ("America's Scam Source") Home Page:
ZERO Balance Your Credit Card Debt Legally Without Having to Make One More Payment! Work directly with Attorney. 
Sounds good, doesn't it.  So, let's click on their ad (Liberty Resources):  Freedom and empowerment through the truth.
So, what can you do if you are overburdened with credit card payments, and lines of credit?
The theory of debt reduction we employ is founded in law and has had excellent results at arbitration and within the courts. The end result is that we are able to eliminate almost any unsecured credit debt issued by national banks – including credit cards and lines of credit such as VISA, Master Card and American Express. After the process, in most of the cases that we have seen, not only is the debt eliminated, but you will end up with an arbitration award in the amount of the last balance. (In other words if you owed $5,000 dollars on a VISA card, after the process, not only will the debt be eliminated but the bank that issued the VISA will owe you $5,000!)
How is this possible - to eliminate credit card debt legally?  The simple answer is that national banks are not allowed by law to loan credit. They can only loan money. Further, banks are not allowed to become surety for another person. In other words they are not allowed to guarantee the payment of another person’s debt. Consequently, the credit loans you have entered into are voidable... at your choice.

One of the largest mental hurdles each person must overcome internally is the moral issue that will be used against you relative to owing on the debt. Essentially it boils down to this, “You agreed to the terms of the credit card, you took advantage of the convenience of the credit card, if you do not pay you will have become unjustly enriched, and it is immoral to enter into an agreement, take advantage of it, and then argue against its enforcement.”
To these essentially sound and morality based arguments consider the following:
If a party breaches its authority, by entering into an agreement that it knows it is not allowed by law to execute, is it moral to allow that party to enforce the agreement?
Is it moral to force a person to pay on a credit card bill, when that person did not know that the bank did not have the legal authority to issue credit or to become surety? 
So, NOT paying your debts is the righteous thing to do -- because otherwise, you're just enabling the bank and encouraging them to continue fraudulently extending credit to people.  Default today: it's your duty as a morally upright conservative man or woman!  Thanks, Newsmax, for bringing this message to the Rightwing American patriots whom you serve!

Anyway, that concludes our little tour of the seamier side of the internet.  We hope you have found it both instructive and educational, and it imparted to you many clear lessons, and kept the medical establishment from turning you into Hillary Clinton.


Li'l Innocent said...

Hm, I think that (wonder if they're still around?) may have had a prescient inkling, doubtless completely by accident, about the essential evil of the banking and financial services industry, which so many of us have had demonstrated upon our flayed bodies in the interim...

I listen to a couple of weekly BBC Radio news-satire shows, and a few weeks back one of the sharper-tongued participants made the simple statement, "Companies are not your friends."

Which just *says* it, anyway about bigger companies. It's not a universal trooth, but it's sure as hell a helpful guideline.

Weird Dave said...

...and kept the medical establishment from turning you into Hillary Clinton.

Too late.