Friday, May 30, 2014

We Get Stacks and Stacks of Letters

I get a lot of email, most of it unsolicited testimonials for products which don't exist (penis enlargement pills) or which I don't need (uh...penis enlargement pills!).  Some of it comes in the form of marketing for commonplace products, such as fad diets, undermined by delightful misspellings ("Eat This...And Never Die Again!", while others are merely poorly targeted sales appeals for otherwise legitimate products, such as the persistent (and vaguely threatening) reminders I've received lately that a person in my position really ought to take out a reasonable amount of nautical collision insurance.  But rarely do my unknown correspondents ask me about myself; and since posing questions is the mark of a good conversationalist, I thought I should single out the few who really took the time to learn what makes me, Scott Clevenger, tick.

Unfortunately, the question I received today is not one of those casual, light-hearted queries you could imagine Deborah Kerr asking during the "Getting to Know You" number from The King and I . It is, in fact, a serious question, and its seriousness is underscored by following the question with the word "serious" between parentheses, which I just now realized is an entirely different form of punctuation than underscoring, but dammit, there's some (serious) shit going down, and I can't afford to get bogged down in your Shift Key Characters and your Strunks and your Whites! In fact, we've already wasted enough time, and I still have to get quotes over the phone from at least three reputable marine underwriters, just in case I mow down a waterskiing group of Go-Gos with my cigarette boat, so let's just deal with the big issue, the elephant in the room here:

If you do, then the elephant is superfluous. If you don't, then the elephant will unquestionably help you to reach your quota, but then you'll be faced with another question: to shovel its manure, or give up show business.
Hello Scott,
Please excuse the somewhat personal nature of this email, 
Hello, Poopologist Pete! (Since we're being so chummy and personal here, I figured you wouldn't mind if I dubbed you with a pet name. Feel free to call me No-Shit Scott.)
but the information we are about to share below is extremely important for both you and your digestive health.
I gotta admit, your phrasing concerns me, Pete. If there's anything I've learned from Tea Party pols and wingnut pundits, it's that "women's reproductive health" doesn't mean what it says, but is actually a synonym for abortion, therefore I worry that the same is true of "digestive health," and in this scenario the feces is the fetus, so my rights don't matter because your only concern is that I bring every turd to term.
You may not think that you're constipated, but in reality, it is VERY likely that you ARE.
This isn't argument, it's contradiction! Nevertheless, it'll probably make a better than average episode of Crossfire. "On the right! An email scam! On the left! Some blogger's blocked-up colon!"
You see, constipation is not simply "not being able to go", or only eliminating once a week...that's severe constipation. The truth is, a healthy digestive system should be eliminating after every meal.
In fact, if you're waiting until after the meal to release the bounty of your bowels, you're toying with death, so play it safe and shit yourself during the dessert course!
Are you moving your bowels several times a day, once for every meal you eat? 
Well, I certainly move myself several times a day (usually to the kitchen or the living room sofa), and whither I go, goest my bowels, because -- and forgive me for boasting -- I have a very Story of Ruth-style relationship with my lower G.I. tract.
If not, you are suffering from constipation, which will cause a build up of toxins and undigested, rotten, putrid food in your digestive system.
Unfortunately, thanks to a reduction of USDA food inspections going back to the Reagan Administration, that's pretty much the way it goes in.
This can make it much harder for you to lose fat while also wreaking havoc on your digestive system and overall health...really bad stuff. 
But is bad stuff better or worse than (serious stuff)? Maybe (serious stuff) is not as bad because it's only a parenthetical, or perhaps the punctuation marks are like the French horns in Peter and the Wolf, only in this case the parentheses represent your crap-choked colon?
Just imagine all that rotted, disgusting food sitting there in your digestive system...yuck!
You don't get a lot of second dates, do you?
Fortunately, this can be corrected rather quickly, with a few simple steps:

CLICK HERE==> 4 tips for healthy digestion and regular bowel movements
I didn't actually click the link, because I think I've got the gist: brush your teeth twice a day, but defecate after every meal. And don't just relieve yourself, really let go, punch that toilet water like a depth charge, hose down the stall walls like your anus was a Wagner Power Painter. And when you're finished, don't light a match, because lingering bathroom odors keep the Grim Reaper away.

I realize this topic is a little outside our normal bailiwick, but I thought it was an important PSA.


Dr.BDH said...

George Carlin said it best: "Your stuff is shit, but my shit is stuff!"

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

World of Crap is ALWAYS on topic.

Lawguy1946 said...

I caught a couple of minutes of one of these guys on an infomercial one night. My mistake. He did not look well.

Anonymous said...

I never knew mine was only a semi-colon. Thanks, Scott.

Chris Vosburg said...

Every meal? Really? Does anybody shit that often? I'm usually good with once a morning, like clockwork.

Also, I live in California, and we're not even allowed to flush the toilet that often.

Weird Dave said...

To quote Perry Farrell, "Everybody is so full of shit."

ckc (not kc) said...

I go for quality - it's a question of formation and buoyancy.

Unknown said...

This (stuff) is important!

grouchomarxist said...

Just imagine all that rotted, disgusting food sitting there in your digestive system...yuck!

I worry about it all night sometimes.

That's why, after this wakeup call from Poopologist Pete by way of No-Shit Scott, I've decided it's better to be safe than sorry: I'm going to have my digestive tract replaced with a stainless steel macerator connected to a high-quality Teflon-coated drain. Sure, there's the initial expense, and you have to lug a 12-volt car battery with you, whenever you eat out. Plus there's the monthly cleaning and maintenance -- and you really, really don't want to know where they put the switch. But I'd say these are minor drawbacks, if that's what it takes to get real peace of mind, constipation-wise.

Scott, you're the Web's version of Rumpelstiltskin, spinning comedy gold out of ... well, crap.

Joey Blau said...

Remember to fart as well... Mr. Methane had definate ideas about that...

Carl said...

Spam like this makes me propulsively diarrhetic

Weird Dave said...

Let us close (well, maybe) with one so old I remember it as one of those crudely drawn cartoons people used to xerox and pass around at work, The Shit List.

heydave said...

Well, this post was quite moving.

Yes, I said that.