Well, it’s Labor Day Weekend, traditionally a slow time for news organizations and their symbiotic parasites, bloggers. So after trolling the intertubes without success, I was desperate enough to pop into WorldNetDaily looking for a fix, only to interrupt what at first appeared to be an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting…
My name is John Stokes, and I reside in Bigfork, Mont., USA.
First, I love you, no matter where you are, age sex or race. I love you and will help you any way I can. My family will also.
Um, I think we’re moving a little too fast…
I am 57 years young, married for 32 years to my beautiful bride and blessed to have one child named Elizabeth, age 28, and she is married to a wonderful man named David. I am blessed to have and love many friends.
Oh, so you’re swingers. Hey, that’s cool. We don’t judge here.
I get by and pay my bills and own KGEZ 600 AM radio in Kalispell, Mont. I also do an information program for three hours daily. I pray to our Lord daily that others may be cared for, healthy and happy.
Except maybe for conservationists, Jews, and African-Americans:
Klaus Stern, a Nazi holocaust survivor who recently spoke in Kalispell, took issue with Stokes‘ use of the Nazi label to describe environmentalists. “To me, ‘Nazi’ means killing and abusing 6 million Jews and 5 million Christians, and handicapped people. How can anyone call good people Nazis just because they don’t agree with him?”
After the Daily Inter Lake in Kalispell reported Stern’s comments, Stokes responded: “I’m sick of these pathetic people out there that somehow say, ‘I’m a black person, so I’m a victim. You should feel sorry for me. Everything I do, I should be excused for.’ … And that goes for Jewish holocaust victims, too. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry you gave up your guns. I’m sorry you let the Third Reich gain power … But too bad, so sad, get over it.” [...] He has depicted blacks as whiners, told a holocaust survivor to “use both hands to take his head out of his butt” and to take responsibility for the rise of Hitler.
Immediately after 9/11, Stokes “attempted to place the responsibility for the acts on liberals, especially conservationists whom he calls “Green Nazis.” Using the fallout from the attacks, Stokes has advocated the formation of a militia for Montana’s defense … Stokes has used the World Trade Center attacks to revisit the Oklahoma City Bombing [saying] that Tim McVeigh was connected to Islamic extremists who let McVeigh take the fall … Stokes said that McVeigh might have been an extreme conservationist indoctrinated by the Sierra Club or the Wilderness Association.”
Anyway, let’s check back in with John, and see if he’s done praying for us. Well, those of us who are white, Christian, straight, and don’t really enjoy the outdoors.
I’m not a stupid person –
Like "I'm not a racist," this preface will self-refute in five seconds...
but I don’t understand why:
John proceeds with a list — a long list, 40 or 50 items — of things that he doesn’t understand, despite his lack of stupidity. So let’s just hit the highlights:
A possibly foreign-born person is our president.
Well, it is WND, and it’s considered polite to make an offering of birtherism before you get to your main thesis. It’s like taking off your shoes when entering a Japanese home, or bringing a hostess gift of elk jerky and bullets when you visit a militia compound.
The real truth of events is kept from the citizens.
See McVeigh, Timothy, President, National Audubon Society.
Homosexuality is now taught in our schools and considered normal. (Never met one that was normal.)
Well, it really depends on what you’re using for your standard of comparison. For instance, you’re a perfectly normal guy, assuming the baseline is Julius Streicher.
Same sex marriage is now a right.
In Montana? Wow, what’s next — man-on-beaver?
Our food supply now comes from foreign sources.Our domestic food supply has been genetically modified and even kills the insects.
So we do have a non-foreign food supply, we just prefer to use our corncobs and Kraft American Singles to swat flies.
We can’t pray in public or our schools.
Try the closet. It’s Jesus Recommended.
Pornography is free speech.
Actually some of it’s quite pricey, especially if you don’t remember to cancel before your 7-day trial period is up because they’ll bill you for the whole month, even if you didn’t think the girls were that cute.
The right to assemble and protest is limited to a free-speech zone.
I take it this is an “encore presentation” of a column that originally ran in 2004?
Our taxes pay for abortion.
Well they’re certainly not paying to fill those potholes on Fairfax Avenue, so I’m glad we’re getting something for our tax dollars.
Our jobs for American families are now overseas.
And it makes for a sucky commute. But it is refreshing to find a right wing talk show host who’s concerned about the outsourcing of our manufacturing base rather than spending his time obsessing over bizarre conspiracy theories.
They want to track every farm animal.Our garage sales are now monitored.
Which is why, when we had a yard sale after my grandma passed away, we could only get a buck-fifty for her decorative blackamoors. I blame the Illuminati.
We pay for people not to work.We pay farmers not to farm.Farmers are going broke and getting pennies for their labor and product when we pay record prices.
Obviously there’s a flaw in the system. Maybe we should try paying farmers to farm, or at least allow them to farm on spec.
A pickup truck cost $40,000 and is made in another country. Toyotas are made here!
And Toyota makes…trucks. Are you sure you’re not stupid? Maybe it’s me…
We pay for others’ babies and for illegal immigrants.
I got my illegal immigrant for 50% off at Big Lots! — and he was only slightly irregular! The baby is still back-ordered, though.
People watch TV and become absolutely stupid.
And congratulations on your 60″ plasma screen and deluxe premium cable package.
People voluntarily drink fluoride, eat MSG, soy, genetically modified food and every other toxic byproduct of the chemical petro industry.
Soy? I kinda get the fluoride, the MSG and the GM food, but soy? Oh, wait — that’s right — it was WND that broke the big “Soy is Secret Homo Sauce” story back in ought-six.
I don’t understand Prozac.
I don’t understand why people are afraid of guns.
Have someone shoot one at you. Should clear things right up.
I don’t understand why people fear the government.
Dude, they’re tracking our farm animals!
I don’t understand why so many beautiful single women can’t find a decent man to love provide and protect her.
By a strange coincidence, John recently joined the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so beautiful single ladies…? You’re in luck!
I don’t understand why America sleeps when we should be getting out the tar and feathers and doings as our founders did.
Sleeping with our slaves? I think maybe just a good water- or silicone-based lubricant would do the job.
If you have any answers, I’d like you to share them with me firstname.lastname@example.org.My love and blessings,John Stokes
Personally, I’m out of both answers and questions, although John’s column has given me a great idea for a thriller about a government surveillance expert who overhears farm animals planning an assassination. It’s sort of Blow-Out meets Babe: Pig in the City. I’m calling it Pig-Out.