Monday, January 17, 2011

Robert Ludlum's The Dogpatch Vendetta

I don't mean to poach on Sadly, No! territory, but I happened to wander past Don-Bob Surber's privy yesterday, and the grunting and squealing that escaped the half moon cut-out was difficult to ignore.

I do not want civil discourse
For a decade, from the election of Bush 43 forward, the Left has lied and cheated as it tried to return to power. Al Gore made a mockery out of the American electoral system by being a spoilsport over Florida, which Bush indeed won by 537 votes. 
Gore won the popular vote by 500,000 ballots, but that was no excuse for thinking he might have won the election; not when there were elderly Jews in Palm Beach voting for Pat Buchanan in droves!
Dan Rather forged a document to try to derail Bush’s re-election.
Personally.  He spent many nights hunched over a trestle table, peering through a magnifying glass by candlelight and forging away, like Donald Pleasance in The Great Escape.
Twice Democrats stole U.S. senators from the Republicans.
Leaving changelings in their place, and forcing Republican leaders to brew beer in eggshells whenever they wanted to hold a caucus.
After voting to support the war to get by the 2002 election, many Democrats quickly soured on the war. 
Souring on a war is exactly the same as cheating and lying, except a sour war tastes more like Gummi Worms.
Once in power, liberals were the opposite of gracious.
For two years now, I have been called ignorant, racist, angry and violent by the left. The very foul-mouthed protesters of Bush dare to now label my words as “hate speech.”
We meant to label your words "hate speech" before 2008, Don, but a neighbor borrowed the Dymo and took his time returning it. We apologize for the delay and any inconvenience, and would like to offer you a complimentary beverage, but I see you're already settled in with a 32 oz. Big Gulp of bile.
Last week, the left quickly blamed the right for the national tragedy of a shooting spree by a madman who never watched Fox News, never listened to Rush Limbaugh and likely did not know who Sarah Palin is.
Apparently the shots were fired by The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
Rather than apologize, the left wants to change the tone of the political debate.
The left suddenly wants civil discourse.
Bite me.
The left wants to play games of semantics.
Bite me.
The left wants us to be civil — after being so uncivil for a decade.
Bite me.

As long as the left is making requests, Crow T. Robot wants his catchphrase back.
There is grown-up work to do now. Liberals ran up the federal credit card, destroyed the American medical system and undermined the rule of law — which is the foundation of capitalism — with a bunch of unconstitutional fiats from the president and his bureaucracy.
It kind of sounds like Don lives in that snowglobe that belonged to the autistic kid in the last episode of St. Elsewhere. Nah, probably not; they had better health care.
I was not consulted on that stimulus. I had a very good argument against it.
"Unfortunately I didn't think of it until after everyone had gone home, and I was still trying to get my pants off the roof of the natatorium."
I said the money supply was too large and printing more money would fail. I said let the economic downturn run its course.
"I said the same thing to a co-worker who had cancer, too.  Never seems to bring it up anymore, which is weird, because you'd think lots more folks would want to consult me about their tumors now that the American medical system has been destroyed."
Lefties were too busy celebrating the 2008 election to listen.
If there's one regret I have about election night 2008, it's that I popped open a bottle of champagne, when I could have spent the night confusing Don Surber with E.F. Hutton.
When people protested lefties made vulgar remarks about tea-bagging and giggled.
The fact that you and your fellows named your patriotic movement after the practice of scrotum dipping isn't funny at all. It's a tragedy. A Greek tragedy, in fact, much in the manner of Sophocles' Oedipus at Perineum.
So screw you and your civil discourse.
I don’t want to hear it.
I have been screamed at for 10 years.
Perhaps you should try a different singles bar. 
It’s my turn now. I am not going to scream back. But I refuse to allow anyone to dictate what I say or how I say it.
I was going to suggest you say it like Goober Pyle, but I see you're way ahead of me.
I refuse to allow the same foul-mouthed, foul-spirited foul people who dumped on me to now try to tell me what I may or may not say.
My free speech matters more than the feelings of anyone on the left. You don’t like what I say? Tough.
Speaking as someone who spends way too much time online looking for stupid things said by unpleasant people, I love what you say, Don, as it allows me to knock off early.
I will not allow people to label my words Hate Speech or try to lecture me on civility. I saw the lefty signs. The left’s definition of civil discourse is surreal.
Possibly, although you said the same thing about the toasting instructions on that box of Pop Tarts.
Indeed, this call for civil discourse is itself a direct threat to my free speech.
So screw you.
You don’t like my words? You don’t like my tone? You feel threatened?
More tickled, actually.
Too bad.
Actually, that is what I want. I want the lefties to feel bad. I want them to feel hurt. I want them to cry to their mommies.
Santa Claus has taken note of your wish list.
That way the field will be cleared so we grown-ups can fix the nation and the economy.
If you can’t put up with a little excrement, get the hell out of the barn.
This, coincidentally, is also Don's preferred pick-up line, and may explain his poor ROI at the Tic Tock Cocktail Lounge out on Highway 60.
UPDATE: Linked by Ann Althouse. Thanks.
I'm generally opposed to nut-picking, as it proves nothing, except -- there are lots of nuts on the internet. But the comment thread of Althouse's post linking to Surber made me, once again, extremely grateful for the folks who visit WO'C. Here's a taste:

Florida said...

"I'll start being civil the minute the Left starts being honest."

We're already being civil. We've decided to try elections one more time instead of the revolution they so richly fucking deserve.

These socialists haven't seen uncivil yet.

There is a profound difference between left and right. Out here in Kansas we may see some fag in drag trying to pass as Mrs. Claus in the Macy's parade ... and we say "Those folks on the coasts can be mighty quirky." And then we get back to our lives.

Yet people from New York and San Francisco travel from one small town to another in Kansas, Nebraska, and other parts of the Heartland.

They are searching for crosses, or Ten Commandment monuments to sue, for it is in their nature to impose their views on others.

They are most fortunate that we have decided NOT to give them our ammo, one hot round at a time.

We're happy to leave them alone, but the contra-positive is entirely beyond them,
A steady diet of this kind of thing, and you know what?  I would drink wine out of a box.


Brian Schlosser said...

Sadly, I will not bite Mr Surber because, unlike biting Mr T. Robot, it is NOT fun. How would I ever get the gristle out of teeth and the taste of stale pork rinds out of my mouth?

"For two years now, I have been called ignorant, racist, angry and violent by the left. The very foul-mouthed protesters of Bush dare to now label my words as “hate speech.”

Here is a little thought experiment:

While walking down the street you see Joe Don Bob beating an prone man with a crowbar. A passing lefty shouts "What the fuck are you doing, you fucking lunatic asshole?" and attempts to stop him. What is your first thought upon witnessing this scene?

A liberal would commend the passing fellow for stepping in and righting an injustice. A Modern Civil Conservative might grudgingly admit that its usually wrong to beat people with crowbars, but primarily they will want to know why are the leftists so blasted uncouth as to use cusses?

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

Ya gotta love the idea of the Right as innocent passengers on the Economic Commuter Bus jolted awake when the well-oiled purr of the Bush years is replaced by the sound like the silverware drawer crashing to the linoleum. Adults.

And Althouse links the thing. Why? Because "No" is a wholly unexpected reply to the call for civility? Or because hurling shit from the tenth row of an internet mob while trying to sound like a cop-show tough guy is such a novel way of going about it?

Bill S said...

How deluded do you have to be to imagine that people on the Right are honest, polite, and never try to impose their values on others?
So deluded, apparantly, that someone can post a map with images of crosshairs over the names of political opponents and, when one of those people actually gets shot, you can't imagine why ANYBODY might draw a connection.

heydave said...

I've made no pretense toward patience with the righties around me, and I've been keeping this up for years. But I hardly think suggesting to someone that they have just registered a really childish argument against your ideas, and there is no further reason we should maintain a "friend" farce any longer, and they are really fucking embarrassing to be seen talking to in public is not so terribly uncivil, you know.

Anonymous said...

Asshole, dick, shithead, fucker. These are just a few words that Don has earned. The Left hasn't given him those, through his own hard work he earned those titles.
I like the commenter who says that they were civil because they accept an election rather than going for a revolution. (My advice to that fellow, go for it dude, Don and company are right behind you. Just don't look back.) And they wonder why other people are concerned about the tone of politics.

D. Sidhe said...

I kinda dig the notion that suing to have a sectarian religious symbol removed from a national park is imposing your beliefs on others. I bet that guy thinks of himself as an Original Intent Constitutionalist.

Anonymous said...

"They are searching for crosses, or Ten Commandment monuments to sue, for it is in their nature to impose their views on others."

LOL...I don't even know where to begin. I laugh only because to take it seriously would bring on suicidal depression.

Doctorb said...

I'm simply tickled by the idea that Don Surber is going to stop being civil. I imagine him spending the last ten years enduring the vile hate speech of The Left and responding with "what my esteemed colleagues on the other side of the political spectrum do not recognize is ... " while his blood pressure went up and up, rather than just being an unlikeable thumbhead who would refer to the late John Murtha as a "swamp critter".
Probably the best thing about this, though, is that Surber must have at least one colleague who responds to every mention of the word "civil" by shouting "WAR BETWEEN THE STATES".

D. Sidhe said...

In lieu of a "like" button, I'd just like to declare my undying respect for Doctorb.

Butch Pansy said...

No, no, Docterb. It's "The War of Northern Aggression!"

Butch Pansy said...

...erb, orb...sorry.

maryclev said...

For two years now, I have been called ignorant, racist, angry and violent by the left. The very foul-mouthed protesters of Bush dare to now label my words as “hate speech.”

Oh come on, Bob. You know that's not true!

We've been calling you those things for well over 8 years, now!

Woodrowfan said...

wait, he thinks that for the past several years that he's been CIVIL?!?!

TM said...

For two years now, I have been called ignorant, racist, angry and violent by the left.

And Puddin'head by the local townsfolk for the past forty (and "Stanky" before that).

77south said...

No, no, Docterb. It's "The War of Northern Aggression!"
I think the "War of Treason in Defense of Slavery" has a nice ring to it.

Chris Vosburg said...

Don Surber wrote: Obama supporters are going to need a beer after this story. But, not because it shows Obama to be a liar and a racist supporter, but, because it will cause them problems politically. They could barely care less if Obama is a racist, as long as he wins the White House. If Obama loses in November, the Left will crucify him. If a hard core Conservative ran with a D next to his/her name, Liberals would be fine with that, as long as he/she won. With the Left, it is about power, not ethics or morals

By way of reminder, thus spake Christendom's Premier Fucking Fool, the ignorant hillbilly Don Surber, in preface to his July 2008 column linking to a hot Newsmax claim that Obama was too at a speech delivered by the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, which was too controversial. Note that the claims of controversy are themselves opinion, not fact, but more importantly, Obama simply wasn't there, as shown by incontrovertible evidence placing him elsewhere at the time.

Surber sheepishly admits in an update seems that the timing was probably incorrect. I’m a little short on time, have to run and meet some friends for some festivities,... in true Loadpants fashion, and quickly moves on to the next lie:

I really like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, innocent till proven guilty, but, it seems that what we have seen and heard of Wright was the norm, not the exception. It is hard to believe that Obama has never heard one. He insults our intelligence when he plays this game.

So there's the dunce boy Surber being civil, calling Obama a liar, and being proved wrong. Let's face it, he's been in the gutter all along, and has nowhere to go-- but down the drain.

Chris Vosburg said...

Last add:

Would it surprise you to learn that a Google of "Don Surber" "hate speech" produces not a single incidence of anyone referring to Surber's writing as such, but instead endless examples of Surber referring to others' as such?

400metres said...

I like how Don doesn't even bother with actual examples of non-civility on the part of "lefties".

I mean, really? It was uncivil for Al Gore to contest one of the closest presidential elections ever? Someone ought to inform Joe Miller, Norm Coleman, or Tom Emmer that challenging a close election is now "uncivil".

And it's also uncivil to change one's opinion on the war in Iraq after it became abundantly clear it was the worst foreign policy disaster in our country's history?

And I especially love how it was un-civil of Democrats to not consult with Don personally regarding the stimulus.

I mean I understand that Don is colossally stupid, but you think he'd at least look into the definition of the concept of "civility" prior to attaching it to things that are clearly not representative of non-civility and risk looking like a complete jackass.

synykyl said...

I'm not usually one to mock someone's appearance, especially when their personality and intellect are so exceptionally worthy, but if I looked up 'dufus' in the dictionary, I would not be at all surprised to see Surber's picture there.

bidziliba said...

Gore made a mockery out of the American electoral system by being a spoilsport over Florida, which Bush indeed won by 537 votes.

This is rubbish. Had not the SC found lucky special magic and unconstitutional reasons to stop the count, Gore would have won Florida by around 46,000 votes and that's even with the 57,000 + blacks and Latinos that Kathleen Harris and Jeb had illegally purged from the voting rolls.

Chris Vosburg said...

Well, I wouldn't go that far, Bidz, but I'll tell you this: Forget all the haggling about hanging chads and individual county squabbles and such-- Simple overvotes alone (in which the voter punches for a listed candidate and then "re-affirms" by writing the same candidate's name into the write-in space) would have put Gore over easily.

Florida law's pretty simple: any vote in which the clear intent of the voter can be discerned is a valid vote.

Just count the goddam votes; that's what the Florida Supreme Court ordered, and that's what the US Supreme Court stopped.

bidziliba said...

Chris, the voter purges are laid out in voluminously documented detail in the Jim Crow in Cyberspace chapter of Greg Palast's The Best Democracy Money Can Buy. Jeb even ignored two different court orders to reinstate the purged voters. The 46,000 figure comes from an analysis of the over votes done, I think, by the Miami Herald, had the entire state had been recounted rather than just a few GOP strongholds. I admit that "lucky special magic" and "unconstitutional" are my own editorial additions.

Mentis Fugit said...

No surprise that Don Surber can't tell the difference between "abuse" and "hate speech". This is a man with the looks of Father Ted, the temper of Father Jack, and the intellect of Father Dougal.