Thursday, December 22, 2011

MaryC's Holiday Gift Report: Santa's Bringing You Crap for Christmas! Literally!

It's a familiar conversation, one you've probably overheard dozens of times at the pet store, or while waiting in line to see Santa at the mall:  a little boy or girl wants a puppy for Christmas, and the parents caution the child that "having a dog is a big responsibility.  You'll have to feed it, and walk it, and clean up after it."  Well...this toy isn't for those kids.  This canine simulacrum is apparently intended for a slightly narrower niche: kids who don't particularly want to walk, cuddle, or even play with a puppy, but who really like the sound of that whole "clean up after it" thing.

In short, this is the perfect toy for the budding coprophiliac in your family.  I give you...Doggie Do.

To paraphrase Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys:  "Shit just got fake."

So...Yeah. It's a plastic dog that poops. You feed it, and it poops.  This is actually my least favorite part of pet ownership, but apparently the Fresh Air Fund is sending kids to Fecal Fantasy Camp these days.

I wonder, is this a gift for people who live in "no pets allowed" buildings, but still yearn to clean up after a defecating dog? Do they roam the sidewalks of their neighborhood, plastic bags in hand, hoping against hope that at least one of their neighbors has thoughtlessly neglected to curb their Akita and collect the steaming pile, so they could swoop down on it like a carrion bird with a fetish so disgusting it makes the other vultures in the flock uncomfortable and faintly nauseated?

I think, in this case, the only person who could possibly provide an appropriate reaction to this is Dr. Clayton Forrester:


heydave said...

Really? Someone got paid to develop that idea?

I haz a sad.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


Chris Vosburg said...

Good Lord, I thought was a joke video, but a little googling led me to the Goliath website's Doggie Doo page, and there I learned the story of the development of the unusual toy, and further the rules of the game flimsily constructed around the "Kackle Dackle" (as the toy is called in Germany).

Long story short, feed, throw dice, pump, first kid with three shits in his shovel wins. Hurray! Throw your poop in the air, you win, you win!

I suppose this was inevitable after the pioneering Betsy Wetsy, a doll that obligingly urinated on you and your sofa cushions if you gave her a bottle of, uh, liquid.

Betsy manufacturer Ideal Toy Corp was apocryphally the target of a patent infringement suit brought by a rival toy company with a previous leaky doll toy, but the wise judge in the case ruled that you just can't patent urination, a natural function, so Betsy Wetsy continued to bring joy and urine to little girls for many years thereafter.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

reminds me of another MST3K quote;

"Yeah, wishes in one hand, crap in the other, see which piles up faster!"

Carl said...

I remember watching that commercial on Thanksgiving day (during the National Dog Show, believe it or not) and thinking, "Hm, this is right up Scott's poopchute!"

I mean, alley. Alley.

Scott said...


How'd you know my pet name for it?

Chris Vosburg said...

Two things:

If you view the Evil Mads vid at the Youtube site (just click on the youtube logo in the playbar at the bottom of the embedded vid here at WOC), you'll get an additional icon in the playbar there: a snowflake. Yep, click on the snowflake, and make it snow in the video. Neat, huh? Well, I thought it was.

Also, I still laugh to think of my favorite evil cross-promotion of the sketch. "Hey, look, it's the San Diego Chicken, and you know what that means? That's right, it's Crossbow Night!"


Scott said...

Say, that's pretty cool -- thanks for the tip, Chris -- and weirdly appropriate, too. Given the show was produced in a suburb of Minneapolis, the odds are better than even that it was snowing when they shot the sequence.

preznit said...

was rick santorum the lead R&D person on this?

preznit said...

Chris and Scott- have either of you googled let it snow?

heydave said...

Throw your poop in the air, you win, you win! OK, I can get behind that!

Chris Vosburg said...

I had heard of this, Preznit, but alas, it doesn't work in my browser (IE8). So, have your fun, you lucky Firefox and Chrome users, but so help me, I REFUSE TO LOAD YET ANOTHER GODDAM BROWSER EVER AGAIN!

Well, I might. :-)

Chris Vosburg said...

Okay, yet another dog-walker just brung their adorable little fucking dog to the little patch of grass just outside my ground-floor apartment window to take an adorable little fucking poop.

Which they then ambled cheerily the fuck away from. Man, judging from the amount of shit out there, I swear they must come from miles around to do this-- perhaps there's some sort of hobo-code hieroglyphic etched somewhere on the building that means "okay to poop and not scoop here."

So [laughing] I've decided to prop an LCD display in the window, running the doggie doo video in a continuous loop, with accompanying legend:


maryclev said...

Why bother running the Doggie Doo video, Chris? Just catch their poop and WIN!

Chris Vosburg said...

...aaaaand right on cue, the Santa Cruz Sentinel buttons up the thread with a warm and steaming yuletide tale of a woman out walking her dog who was approached by a mugger demanding "everything she had".

He wins, he wins!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

ZRM: "reminds me of another MST3K quote;

'Yeah, wishes in one hand, crap in the other, see which piles up faster!' "

Not having seen the entire MST3K library, am I to assume that someone on their staff grew up in South Mizzippi or North Baton Redneck Republicunt Rouge, LA? Direct quote from the late Teh Dick, about eighty zillion fucking times, only with far more pointless profanity that wasn't even fucking funny.

And Mary, you know that I love you, right? Why do you do these things to me? Have I somehow angered your feline overlords? Do I need to sacrifice a fatted calf (or eight pounds of really good kitteh-weed) out on a hot rock in the sun? How have I displeased you?

I can not POSSIBLY imagine, outside of the world of German & Japanese scat-porn fetish freaks, WHO, really WHO IN THE *FUCK* WOULD *WANT* THIS NASTY FUCKING FETISH TOY, AND EVEN WORSE, WHO WOULD TEACH THEIR KIDS TO REVEL IN THE EXCREMENT OF PLASTIC CANINES?!?!!?

Oh, wait. I read Vosburg's link. Cue Emily Litella.

PREZNIT!!! U B ALIVE!!! (To quote Teh Judds, @ their first award win, in those gawdlessawful fucking SQUARE-DANCING GET-UPS!!!) --- "Well, SLAP THE DAWG AND SPIT IN THE FAR!"

I often wonder how long canines tended to live around them gals... Okay, wondered but at least I put in A thought or two about it...

I don't often plug commercial ventures who don't directly profit my dearly-beloveds, but I found *the* perfect encapsulation of how I feel about teh pseudo-Jeebus "holiday" season, which starts as soon as the back-to-school shit is sent back to the warehouses: