Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Happy Birthday, AnnPW!


Thanks for coming to our party for perky young Crapper AnnPW, who's been reading Wo'C since she was just a freckle-faced, pigtailed little slip of a thing who weren't but yea high to Mitch Daniels.  Unfortunately, we spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening at the ER, and are now in quarantine, so please observe all isolation protocols: masks, gloves, boots, whips, and push-up corselets, because this is a party, dammit!
The short explanation for turning our apartment into the bottom level of that bioweapons research facility from The Andromeda Strain is that Mary has come down with a Geneva Conventions-violating infection, which has caused her to suffer temperatures ranging between 100 to 104 degrees over the past four days, and inspired the attending physician to prescribe Cipro, the heavy duty antibiotic administered to the postal workers and Congressional aides who were exposed to mail packed with weaponized anthrax back in 2001.

However, none of that will stop us from honoring Ann's special day with a little cheesecake from the Golden Age of Hollywood Glamor:
(I asked Mr. Grant to tone down the sexy, smoky, smoldering thing a touch, lest he set the entire blog on fire, but as Tom Servo once said of Gypsy on Mystery Science Theater, "She's a fun gal, she's got her own groove," and so alluring is Ann's groove [that came out way dirtier than I meant it -- sorry!] that Cary simply cannot stop himself from giving her the Bedroom Eyes, despite his being both dead and gay.  Now that's a groove!)

So please join me in wishing Ann a very festive and rollicking natal day!  (And no need to thank me for resisting the impulse to exploit the mere coincidence of their names and post an Ann Coulter pic, even though I couldn't reach my sponsor and really came this! close! to falling off the wagon and going all Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.  Except with Ann Coulter pics.)

UPDATE:  Okay, since Cary's chin deformity is apparently a dealbreaker, and on advice of counsel (in other words, D.Sidhe), here's a sexy birthday lizard for Ann (I believe this marks the first time in the history of the English language those words have been strung together in that order.  And You Are There!)
Did I mention I've got a prehensile tongue?


D. Sidhe said...

Whooo! Happy birthday Ann! I am gonna get you soooo many lizards! Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

Also, holy shit, Scott, you are determined to share the biohazards around. I thought we were past teh Ann Coulter thing.Feel better, you two.

AnnPW said...

OMG, how can I not feel guilty about celebrating my birthday while you two are SUFFERING like that?? Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we....

Okay, seriously now. THANK YOU SCOTT AND MARY for all your wonderful well-wishes on my birthdays and for keeping this place hoppin and one of my absolute favorite places to visit when Wingnutt-Amurka becomes just too much to bear.

And thanks for no Ann Coulter pictures. She was past her sell-by date even when I started reading this blog (I think she was born that way). But I don't think this picture of Hunky Grant is one of his best, do you? I mean, what IS that thing on his chin?

Thanks D Sidhe! I love lizards!

AnnPW said...

Works for me! Woo Hoo!!

AnnPW said...

At least we'll know where to look when you do one of your Google Search columns and come up with "sexy birthday lizard" or "prehensile tongues", amirite?

Scott said...

Hey, that reminds me -- I'm about due for one of those. And the best part is, they don't involve a trip to RenewAmerica or American Thinker, or American Renaissance, or Wake Up America, or Keep America Safe, or American Power or The American Vision. Although while working on the post I may listen to Jay and the American's version of Only in America, just so I don't feel like a total Commie.

Chris Vosburg said...

AnnPW writes: But I don't think this picture of Hunky Grant is one of his best, do you? I mean, what IS that thing on his chin?

As any MST3K fan can tell you, he's got a "chin butt," and probably should wear "chinderwear."

Happy Birthday, Ann!

Doc Logan said...

Happy birthday, AnnPW! In the future, whenever anyone discusses the etymology of the by then ubiquitous phrase "sexy birthday lizard", your name will be mentioned. To immortality!

Also, Scott and Mary, sorry to hear that you're still feeling poorly. Although no virus can stop World O' Crap, or stop Scott from editing a magnificent tribute to the Fleischer Lois Lane. Bravo, sir!

Li'l Innocent said...

Well, if that's a chin butt, how should we describe Kirk Douglas's? He had an actual hole in his, like a little tiny whirlpool going down a drain into his interior.

Happy Birthday, Ann! You're right, it's not one of Cary's better pix. (He does, however, look like he's being way patient with the photographer.)

I'm no fund of Tinseltown anecdotes, but this is good: He was visiting the studio offices, and saw a telegram from a columnist on a publicist's desk that asked HOW OLD CARY GRANT. So he cabled back, OLD CARY GRANT FINE HOW YOU.

The assumption about his being gay or bi is to my mind kind of an iffy proposition, especially as quite a few of the people who claimed, or speculated, that he was had agendas of their own, if only as gossip promulgators. Whatever... he was certainly a loving dad, according to his daughter. And what a great, smart, multifaceted actor, jeeze.

Carl said...

Happy birthday, Ann!

I love Australian Bearded Dragons. They are great pets.

Li'l Innocent said...

Also, you poor ailing people, take care of yourselves! Don't forget to eat and drink good things. These viri have a lot of gall, colonizing us big folk.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Happy B-Day, AnnPW!

P.S. I am shocked and stunned to find out about this lizard thing. I was a fan of lizards as a young lad, but this hobby never got me anywhere with the ladies.

Carl said...


Frogs. Just pretend you're a frog. You get kissed a lot and asked about your tongue.

D. Sidhe said...

ITTDGY, you clearly never knew the right ladies. I've been known to put out based largely on the ownership of bats, lizards, snakes, spiders, chinchillas (I was young. Sue me.), skunks, and frogs. Also, red tailed catfish. And of course cats.

"No one whose hedgehog adores them so much could possibly be a total jerk!" Again, I was young. Also, I just liked sex.

Anyway, gang, you do know I was quoting Futurama, right? Okay, then. Because Ann, you are my one-eyed comment spaceship pilot.

You can see why I went with the lizard thing, right? Yeah.

Weird Dave said...

Here's wishing everyone a Happy Another Day Still Breathing Day.
Or, as I like to call it, Just Another Day in Paradise. (What? This isn't paradise? I was misinformed.)*

*What the bumper sticker really said was, "Ho hum. Another shitty day in paradise."**

**Paradise: Four cubes with little dots on each side.

Chris Vosburg said...

Li'l Innocent writes: Well, if that's a chin butt, how should we describe Kirk Douglas's?

Chin hole.

I've never seen anything like it on any other human, by the way.

grouchomarxist said...

Happy birthday, AnnPW!

Still, before anyone goes overboard with the saurian surprises, though, a note of caution is in order: I once went to considerable trouble and expense to send a swarm of Uruguayan Piranha Lizards to a special friend. And wouldn't you know it, the ungrateful minx never did call me back.

There's just no accounting for taste, I guess ...

And, Cipro? Those must be some industrial-strength pathogens you folks have picked up. Hope you're both feeling better, soon.

heydave said...

I don't know if I can channel the Lizard King (my pensive look needs a lot of work) but Happy Birthday, AnnPW!

M. Bouffant said...

Happy B-day, APW! Hope no one gave you the old "It's so close to Labor Day we're only giving you one present this yr." crap!

And what's w/ the dimple hatred? Not the first place I've encountered it, either. None of us asked to be born that way.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


And as my dearly-beloved Li'l Innocent will bear me out, even though I'd written this before reading the preceding comments: 2. CARY. MOTHERFUCKING. GRANT. WAS. ***NOT***. FUCKING. ***GAY***. PERIOD. AS ARCHIBALD LEACH OR CARY GRANT, THEM BISEXUAL AND GAY RUMORS WERE JUST JEALOUSY LAUNCHED & FOMENTED BY THE INFERIOR, ULTERIOR AND PATHOLOGICALLY JEALOUS!!!!!! And fuck no, I do not want to hear anything to the fucking contrary, I don't care WHERE on teh innernet toobs that you THINK that you can "prove" it. TEH GHEYZ HAVE ALREADY TAKEN MOST OF OUR BRILLIANT, GORGEOUS, AMAZINGLY-TALENTED, LITERALLY-SELF-MADE MEN, GAWDLESSDAMMIT!!!!!! YOU AIN'T TAKIN' ARCHIE LEACH, COME HELL, HIGH WATER, SHIT OR BLOOD!!!!!!

3. Scott, you darlin' thang you, that's the sexiest lizaredd caption that I've seen in a few moons, and that ain't even my favorite KIND of lizaredd.

4. AnnPW, dear, darlin' heart, how can you EVER fault ***THE*** SEXIEST CHIN-CLEAVAGE IN THE HISTORY OF WESTERN CINEMA?!?!!? (not 'western' in terms of "cowboys & Injuns," but 'western' as opposed to 'eastern,' dig?) Kirk Douglas' hand-hewn face-crease was kinda cute, but Cary Grant's was positively DANGEROUSLY SEXY. A woman could sink down into that crevice and NEVER ***EVER*** wanna crawl back out, by damn!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


(P.S.: I almost forgot to mention the "push-up corselettes" line... a DELIGHTFULLY-YUMMY description, despite the plague-accursed sickroom imagery that accompanies it... and fuck yes, I know that our dear Mary could MORE that pull that look out, even if you're holding her hair whilst she's BARFING instead of holding her hair whilst... well, I'll lead that to your hopeful imagination, Scott!)

5. Dearly-beloved & oft-envied D. Sidhe, darlin' heart, you could not be more correct about teh lizaredds AND teh FUTURAMA quote! Did you cry as much as I did at the end of the end of the end?!?!? I haven't gotten "emotional" about a cartoon since teh idiot-breeders-too-stoopid-and-lazy-to-raise-their-own-fucking-DEMON-SPAWN got all of the GOOD *OLD* WB 'toons BANNED, esp. Wyle E. Coyote, because THEY were cuntirifically-moronic enough to believe that THEIR water-headed brats would ATTEMPT to acquire actual ACME equipment in order to IMITATE a CARTOON COYOTE --- and you'll notice that Bugs' drag material, some of his best work, disappeared right around the same time that those PMRC queefs like Tipper were trying to shame the almighty and ALWAYS-righteous Uncle Frank Zappa, THE most-erudite musician this side of Bill Hicks. As you will undoubtedly recall, that tactic did NOT end well for ol' cast-iron-cunt TIPPER, did it.

(Cont'd AGAIN!!!)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


6. My much-admired, oft-plagiarized, old-soul-in-young-hot-bod heroine Mary, you wunnerful, wunnerful hoomin you, my most-sincere condolences upon your as-yet-undiagnosed plague. I can't believe that you are STILL having to deal with this shit!!! Fuck, if being a teacher in some of THE most-dangerous neighborhoods in California AIN'T WORTH SOME DECENT FUCKING *HEALTHCARE*, then those motherfuckers AT LEAST OWE YOU FUCKING ***COMBAT*** PAY AND HOT-AND-COLD RUNNING HOUSE-CALL-MAKING ***DOCTORS,*** FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!! Please get well soon. You are muchly beloved, sadly under-gifted upon your most-recent birfday (which I *will* make up to you soon, dammit!), and VERY-MUCH-NEEDED HOOMIN BEING, not just for your school, the demon-spawn whom you educate, and the blogosphere in general, but very-much-so by your big, grateful-as-hell fambly o'Crappers. SCOTT, you man among men, you huge-hearted, bearded big hunk-o-compassion, the best nursemaid that Mary could EVER hope for (unless, of course, she could get a duplicate of you with a medical degree of some sort and limitless access to pharmacological supplies, including experimental cures for THE FUCKING PLAGUE!!!), I hope that you know how much we ALL appreciate you taking such good care of our darling Mary. WhatEVER in the fuck is ailing our girl, we know that you are busting yer ass and oft-crippled back to care for her, and we thank you from the bottom of our gnarled, charred, crunchy little briquettes that I call a "heart." So sorry for the quarantine, that's enough to drive ANYBODY batshit with cabin fever, but since you love & care for our Mary so much and so well, we know that you'll keep her giggling as much as is non-painful until she's beaten the living FUCK out of this plague, what-the-fuck-EVER it is. Please do keep us updated, and WHATEVER IN THE FUCK THAT MARY NEEDS, since I actually kept my utility bills reasonably low this month, **ANYTHING** that Mary needs/wants (within my embarrassingly-tiny budget) --- ***ANYFUCKINGTHING*** THAT MARY NEEDS TO HELP HER GET WELL, YOU ***WILL*** WRITE, CALL, SEND SMOKE SIGNALS, CARRIER PIGEONS, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER THAT IT TAKES, YOU ***WILL*** TELL ME, N'EST-CE PAS?!?!?!? Nope, haven't hit the fucking Powerball yet, but whatever I got, whether it's $50 or $5, IS Y'ALL'S, if it helps Mary survive/endure this hellacious infection. And you WILL let me know what it is that I can do, won't you Scott? Because you KNOW what happens when you don't LET Annti help, yes? Baaadddd things happen. Annti goes apeshit with worry and finds your home & cell phone numbers via nefarious means, sends ambulances to the house, contacts teh Gubner's office, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER IT TAKES. So you WILL tell me what to do, yes, Scott? Of course you will. Love to you, Mary & y'all's Feline Overlords.

Happy-happy joy-joy, AnnPW, and may all yer worries be smaller than a republicunt's "heart," may all your victories be bigger than Fatfuck Limbaugh's pilinoidally-cysted arse, and may ever day of your life be more joyful watching the hate-mongering, rage-contorted face on John "Injun-Killer" McCain's face on election night.

On THOSE lovely notes, I finally shut the fuck up. Love y'all, have missed y'all sorely, promise to try harder.