[Originally published November 4, 2005]
Swank o' the DayIt’s the weekend, so let’s get crazy with Swank, who still hasn’t recovered from Halloween (he never should have watched Satan’s Cheerleaders* while drinking Old Dad and snorting Pixie Stix).
America’s Dem-nable Pit
If Dems sit upon America’s throne, we will have:
Abortion clinics on every corner.
Wow, that’s a lot of abortion clinics! In my town, we don’t have anything on every corner, except maybe rocks (it’s probably a zoning issue). So, if you’re in the construction business, it sounds like you’ll be getting a lot of business if the Dems get their chance on the throne. Just a little tip.
Same-gender ‘marriages’ blessed on every blissful boulevard.
In my town, none of our boulevards are particularly blissful, so I guess we won’t have to worry about same-gender marriage chapels springing up next to all of our abortion clinics.
Schools engineered for European secularism cloning.
We’ll be cloning Europeans in our schools? Cool! Even if we have to do it secularly, it should make biology class a lot more interesting!
Condom machines under every lamppost.
My town does have a lot of lampposts, so I should probably invest in condom machine stocks now, before the boom.
Christmas symbols stored in underground caves in favor of “Season’s greetings” stamps on every envelope.
Underground Christmas caves? Okay, now the Pastor is just having us on.
*As seen in Better Living Through Bad Movies
Dang you guys! (Retroactively, in s.z.'s case.) It's been almost thirty years since I caught that hilariously awful mashup of softcore cheerleader romp with Satanic conspiracy flick, on late night tv. (Greydon Clark films: where Hollywood actors past their sell-by date go to see their careers die.)
And now I'm gonna have to see if it's available for streaming.
I'll defer to those of you who're familiar with his history, but are you absolutely sure Pastor Swank isn't the creation of some devilishly clever performance artist? And if we're going to be cloning Europeans, I call "Dibs!" on Mila Jovovich. (Yeah, some people might quibble over the fact she was born in the Ukraine, but in her case, I'd willingly stretch the definition of "European" ...)
There have been theories, gm. Wild, speculative theories about the origins of Pastor Swank, some shading into the realm of the supernatural, some merely escalating to a high, mad, keening laughter that continues to haunt these halls long after its source had been dragged away in fetters and confined to a sanitarium.
Some believe the Pastor isn't human, but simply the result of human folly -- an artificial intelligence that went rogue and dedicated itself to making a mockery of its creators' illogical superstitions by posing as a clergyman (as veteran students of Swank will remember, his "church" was actually a corner of his living room). I believe this is close to the truth, but based on the "Pastor's" bizarre use of English -- his compulsive contrivance of neologisms that nobody wants or needs and syntax that more closely resembles machine code than colloquial speech -- I believe he's one of those Random Porn Name Generators that achieved sentience and escaped its webpage.
And it's been awhile (I watched SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS back in 2005 or 2006 for Better Living Through Bad Movies), but it must be easily available, because given how unenthusiastic I was about the assignment, I can't believe I'd have actually gone to any trouble to see it.
Well, artificial or natural, some kind of intelligence went into the rogue being's choice of photo to represent itself to the human world. That cheery grin, that Benny Hill-esque pink-cheeked look, except without Benny's built-in bad-cherub innuendo. Genius. You can't work up any real bad feeling toward the poor silly man, even while he's turning your language-processing centers to oatmeal.
"Season's Greetings" ISN'T a Christmas Symbol?
Not to the good Pastor, zombie.
Quick, Robin! To the Xmas cave!
Christmas Caves make me think of Jonathan Coulton's Chiron Beta Prime. Just sayin'.
Anonymous Weird Dave said...
Not to the good Pastor, zombie.
But what about OUTSIDE the asylum?
Post a Comment