Sunday, September 15, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: A Cracker Barrel of Crackheads

Posted by s.z. on Thursday, August 24th, 2006 at 6:23 am.

Old Favorites Day

I don’t feel all that great, and so I am in a mood for comfort wingnuts (you know, those familiar, homey wingnuts whose creamy texture, cheesy richness, and meatloaf-like consistency always hit the spot). 

So, here are the latest columns by some old favorites.

1.  Pastor Grant Swank: “Plane Mutiny, Olmert Demise, Mosque Killers, & Iraq Over 

Thesis: The only good Muslim is a dead Muslim. 

Two men who looked like Muslim killers were speaking in what was concluded to be Arabic. They looked cagey. They kept looking at their watches. They darted looks to right and left. They whispered to one another. They wore heavy leather jackets. They were just plain mysterious.
Swarthy men on a plane who keep doing suspicious terrorist stuff like looking at their watches, whispering to each other, and wearing jackets?  Quick, somebody page Annie Jacobsen!
Brits on their way to vacationland Saturday decided the flight was too risky. They did not at all trust the two men. Therefore, they forced the pilot not to leave the ground.
One hundred fifty passengers felt safer on land than air. Two Muslim terrorist types were the cause of it all.
And just what are “Muslim terrorist types”?  Well, from the news article from which Pastor Swank got this story, we learn that they are “men of Asian appearance apparently talking Arabic.”  Yes, all men who look Asian and speak a language which might be Arabic (or possibly Russian or Hebrew, or something like that) are not only terrorists, but also Muslims, since you can apparently deduce a person’s religion from his race and his jacket.

And, per Pastor Swank, it’s about time that you “grass roots” realized that all Muslims are murderous demons who are planning to kill you. 
Islam is proving itself to be too weird to tolerate.
I think the only response to the above is “It takes one to know one.”
The plane mutiny is a reflection of the peace world’s thinking. In time, the entire peace community should get the harsh facts that Islam is out to do us all in.
Okay, Islam is out to do us in, so  what should the peace community do about it?
Well, per the good Pastor, the liberty republics must expel all Muslims, because they’re all bad.  Every single one of them.
Therefore, in every liberty republic, citizens must make choices to protect themselves, their communities, their laws, their judicial systems, educational systems and futures.
That means ousting Muslims. None can be trusted. Why? Because even the so-called kind Muslims say and do nothing to protest their killing “brothers and sisters.” Therefore, who within a Muslim conclave can finally be trusted?
All Muslims are born to be loyal to the Koran.
And this truth about how and why Muslims are born  has caused Pastor Swank to rethink his support of the Iraq War.

Yes, he has concluded that all that talk about “freedom spread” was just a lot of hooey, because the Muslims on our side are, at the end of the day, still Muslims, and as such are Satanic monsters who deserve killing just as much as the ones who are fighting us.
And so George Bush was wrong to lead us into a war to help them – we should have just nuked the whole Middle East.  And then we should have deported everyone who looked Asian and spoke what might have been Arabic. Deported them all to hell, where they came from!
We freedom lovers were sadly mistaken about planting a democracy in Iraq. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. That is why there is not one Muslim democracy on the planet. Democracy won’t fit. Freedom is the antithesis to cultic, demonic practices prescribed by the Koran. […]
Therefore, America should admit that a huge mistake was made in Iraq.
So, is Pastor Swank, the most fervent of Bush supporters, the guy who used to write five pieces a week praising the President’s wisdom and courage, now claiming that George made a huge mistake, and we should bring the troops home ???

Yup, pretty much.

You know, the Bush White House must be totally depressed about now, because when you’ve lost Pastor Grant Swank, it means that not even your mother supports you anymore.
Bush needs to admit that he made a mistake regarding his understanding of Islam. I personally believe that in his soul he knows that now far too much. So does Tony Blair. Then they need to admit their error and go forward to support our troops by bringing them home.
Remember when only traitors like Congressman Murtha used to say stuff like that?

2.  Dr. Miks S. Adams, Ph.D.:”Colleges for Jews to Avoid, Part I

Thesis: Jews should avoid colleges where anybody on the faculty has called for a peace settlement between Israel and its enemies.

But more importantly, the military should waive its age, health, and psychological fitness standards and draft Dr. Mike, because he could kill thousands of those Muslim terrorists, if only he was sent to Iraq and given enough bullets.

Over the course of my life, I have pondered many improbable situations. For example, what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?
Translation: Despite all the brooding he does about those who have wronged him, and all intense satisfaction he gets from the hours he spends imagining their fiery deaths, Dr. Mike is really just a regular guy who enjoys the sane wholesome sporting events that you do. Really!
What would it be like to work as Anna Kournikova’s live-in masseuse?
Translation: Despite his hatred of women, and his fear of vaginas, Dr. Mike is very much a lady’s man, and he loves the babes. Really!
Just how many Muslim terrorists could I kill if the military would ignore my age and let me serve as a sniper?
Translation: When they set up canned hunts of swarthy people who speak what might be Arabic, Dr. Mike will so be there!
But I never pondered what life would be like as a Jewish student at the University of Texas at Austin – that is, until I read a letter written by 27 anti-Semites and self-hating Jews who teach there. The letter – addressed to Secretary of State Condi Rice – is reproduced below in its entirety.
Translation: Dr. Mike is going to try to get paid for a whole column, while only contributing about 100 words of his own. But don’t you try doing anything like that in any of his classes, you lazy snot-nosed punks!

3.  John Stossel: “Leave the decadent businessman alone!

Thesis: Successful businessmen should be able to sexually harass women if they want to – after all, they’re rich!

Sub-thesis: There should be an official droit de seigneur policy at “20/20.” 

Dov Charney is a fast-talking 36-year-old entrepreneur whose company has a loose, sexy atmosphere. As you might guess, some former workers have sued him for sexual harassment.
Charney pays his 4,000 employees, mostly immigrants, an average $12.75 an hour, plus subsidized lunches, health care, and free English classes.
Charney feels free to engage in sexual relationships with staff members. “If it’s a truly consensual loving relationship,” he says, “there’s nothing wrong with it. I think that those relationships can be very healthy and are very much part of living in a free world.”
Yes, immigrant women, having sex with the boss is very much part of living in a free world.  Remember that!
But in today’s highly policed workplace, that belief brought Charney trouble. Three women who used to work for him sued, claiming he created a “hostile environment.” The plaintiffs say they were made to feel unwelcome, and Charney is accused of dropping his pants and revealing his underwear.
Charney told me, “I’ve never had any intimate intentions with these women. I never propositioned them in any way. All of these allegations are false.”
Of course, the women never said that he had “Intimate intentions” with them, they saidthat he gave them vibrators (shades of Bill O’Reilly!), invited them to masturbate with him, and he exposed himself to them.

But, per Stossel, that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to sue him, because “If you don’t like the atmosphere in a workplace, don’t work there.”

However, our stupid nanny state won’t let a bold,paternalistic entrepreneur like Charney rule his plantation as he sees fit. Damn it, it’s hardly worth being a boss anymore! 
Freedom is the most important thing. But now Charney is a maverick swimming against the tide of Big Government with its endless laws telling us how to live, what we may say, and even whom we can look at sexually.
Do the bureaucrats and labor lawyers really know best?
We’ll be better off when we can paraphrase what Jonathan Edwards said in his 1970s song “Sunshine”: “They can’t even run their own lives. I’ll be damned if they’ll run mine.”
Um, John honey, ”Sunshine” is about a rich guy who tries to run the lives of his workers — and how, after the revolution, we’ll all know where the “fruits of what we do” are going. So, John, are you sure this is the song you wanted to quote in this piece?

But you have proven your creds as a brave, young rebel by quoting both a pop song from the1970s AND a line from Ayn Rand in the same column.  I’m sure you’ll be getting lots of that sweet workplace sex too, now.

4. Meghan Cox Gurdon: “Kitchen Confidential

When not reviewing children’s books for the Wall Street Journal, Meghan reviews anti-feminist books for The Weekly Standard. (She’s versatile, you see.)

This time she’s reviewing To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewifeby Caitlin Flanagan. The piece’s subtitle, “Inside every feminist, a woman yearns to break free,” gives us a pretty good idea of what she thinks the moral we should take from the book is going to be.
I am aware that the words “candid memoir” have come to imply, in our memoir-littered literary landscape, ever-darker revelations of neglect, debauchery, and (if the publisher is lucky) incest.
Then we’ll take a moment right now to congratulate the future publishers of the inevitable memoirs of Victrola, Heliotrope, Dyspepsia, and Brock Samson Gurdon.
That’s what people seem to want to read, but, mercifully, Flanagan does not reveal anything so gruesome. What she does reveal, though, is in its effect plenty grim. You may laugh out loud at many passages–I certainly did–but what the book says about modern American women may make you want to bang your head against a wall.
I’m guessing that Flanagan says that modern women very rarely weave their own linen sheets these days, and they don’t wear attractive house dresses and pearls while they order the maid to mop and wax the floors. 
First, the good news: Flanagan is a sparkling stylist, and she is definitely on to something with her idea of an “inner housewife,” that secret part of emancipated womanhood that clings to old-fashioned feminine roles even as the outer lawyer, or whatever, rejects them. For who among us doesn’t resent the drudgery of battling squalor through repetitive acts of washing, wiping, and tidying? At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
Sorry, the rest of this article is available only to subscribers.
Okay, gentle readers, once again your assignment is to finish Meghan’s paragraph — tell us just what kind of a pile gives every women a weird charge in her heart of hearts?
I know you’ll do me proud with this one!
Hey! There's a prize inside this post -- a Special Bonus Secret Decoder Doghouse Riley comment!

Well, I can’t pay attention to Meghan’s piles right now–it’s enough I had to look back to check what stupid stylistic game went into the spelling of her first name–because if the Professor Dr. Mike, Ph.D, renaissance continues around here I’m gonna become obsessed with his broadcasting reveals in the clear:

what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?

First base! No one ever dreams of being a first baseman. That’s like saying “When I grow up, I’d like to be a NASCAR road-course specialist. Or else the guy who holds the drink cup.” First basemen are, essentially, guys with no mobility. It’s the designated hitter spot of the National League. A lot of great players finished their careers at first, but few began there–Gehrig being the prominent exception.

So why would you dream of playing first base? Well, if you’re left-handed it’s the only infield position open to you, but you could be a power-hitting outfielder or a cannon-armed young pitcher with a sexy wild streak. Why emulate John Kruk? Is Dr. Professor Mike trying to tell us he throws from the other side? Was “first base”, in the schoolyard vernacular, Dr. Mike’s bête noir, in the same way his first glimpse of female pubic hair turned Havelock Ellis off sex for sixty years?

The reader may decide, but we will note in closing that Anna Kournikova, who led the league in internet fake-nudes a generation ago, is highly unlikely to have employed a full-time live-in erotic masseur, and if she did it probably wasn’t some nerdy creep who kept spilling his oil prematurely. And speaking from personal experience, in those occasional moments, back in the 20th century, when I chanced upon a photograph of Ms Kournikova, and the mood was right, it never occured to me, nor would it to most heterosexual American males, to give her a nice neck rub. Russian lessons, maybe.


Bill said...

But Dr. Mike doesn't fantasize about being a masseur, but a masseuse. In other words, Dr. Mike likes to think of himself as a demure female, at the beck and call of a beautiful, dominant woman, forced to obey her every command. . .

Weird Dave said...

I miss Pastor Swank.

Ass Professor Dr. Mike S. Adams, Ph.D.? Not so much.

Scott said...

I have to admit, I miss Pastor Swank too (especially when it's late at night and I haven't found any good blog fodder, 'cause those posts wrote themselves).

The Doctor Professor has cut his Townhall output way back, reportedly to work on his book, The 44 Caliber Phallus.

Rugosa said...

I wondered who had possession of tbogg's old Cox Gurdon name generator.

Li'l Innocent said...

SZ, vintage Swank, SZ's delectable takedown of that blot Adams, Doghouse on baseball... oh, good times, folks. Extra good times.