Thursday, November 17, 2011

Q: "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?"

A: Only if she listens to Dennis Prager's radio show.

Hi, everybody! I am honored to be back as your guest lecturer today during this special pre-holiday week in which we are encouraged (by your guest lecturer) to take a moment to be thankful for our many blessings, and to also help others if we can. And in that spirit, if you give a couple of bucks to help Scott, Mary, and Moondoggie, I have it straight from Satan himself that you will be considered to ghost-write a best-seller (you can have your choice of "Killing George Washington: The Shocking Story of How Pinheaded Liberals Secretly Assassinated the Father of Our Country" or "She Says That I am the One, But the Kid Is Not My Baby, Baby, Baby." Seriously, Mary and Scott are good people (and Moondoogie is a good cat, relatively speaking) who are dealing with major medical expenses, and if you can help, it would be a very good thing to do.

Anyway, I thought I would take a moment to update you on what I've been doing since we last communicated. So here it is: I fed, housed, and cleaned-up after a multitude of needy cats. Of course, while this is important work, in that it saves the lives of animals who were either scheduled for euthanasia, cruelly abandoned by their former owners, or born to poor, unwed cat mothers who were addicted to 'nip, it isn't all that intellectually stimulating. So, I was happy to learn from NOW president Dennis Prager that staying home and caring for unappreciative beasts can be more mentally enriching than working at NASA or ghost-writing an inaccurate historical best-seller for Bill O'Reilly.

Dennis starts out by stating that he regularly writes about "male-female issues" because "I want to help men and women, especially husbands and wives, get along better" by furthering the goals of the Stepford Wives project. He says he also does it get lefty bloggers to pay attention to him for a few laughs, because they are the only people who will. For instance, "just a few weeks ago, [Daily Kos] declared me a misogynist for my column on what I believe to have been four negative legacies of feminism for women. I actually wrote the column on behalf of women, yet I was labeled a misogynist. Why?" Aw, it's always sad to see a right-wing radio personality who just wants to help women be so sadly misunderstood, so if anybody wants to answer Dennis's heart-rending enquiring, be my guest.

But, as Dennis says:
Why that is so is not my subject here. Rather, I seek to refute the idea that full-time homemaking is intellectually vapid and a waste of a college education.
In fact, if more women would major in Laundry Studies or Hamburger Helper-nomics, they would find their college studies exceptionally relevant.
Nor do I wish to romanticize child rearing. As a rule, little children don't contribute much to the intellectual life of a parent
I'm glad that Dennis pointed this out, because I spent yesterday afternoon caring for an 11-month-old baby, and although I tried to engage her in a discussion of the Occupy Wall Street movement, she found her time better served by searching for and eating stay bits of dog kibble. I then suggested that we watch some C-Span to further our understanding of current events, but instead she chewed on the remote and tried to fight the dog for more kibble. As a salon, it was a sad failure -- and now I know why, thanks to Dennis!
The point is that she can find such stimulation without leaving her house. Furthermore, the intellectual input she can find is likely to be greater than most women (or men) find working outside the home. There is a reason that about half the audience of my national radio show is female -- they listen to talk radio for hours a day and broaden their knowledge considerably.
Or, these stay-at-home scholars leave the radio on for hours a day to drown out considerably the sounds of the neighbors' arguing or their own crying babies.

To the left, the notion that talk radio enhances intellectual development is akin to fish needing bicycles.
And to the right, the notion that talk radio enhances intellectual development is akin to prying guns from cold, dead hands. Or throwing babies out with mop water - or whatever is the opposite of what Dennis said the left believes, if only we knew what that was.
But that's because the left's greatest achievement is demonizing the right and because they never actually listen to the best of us.
Get ready for such a list (and if Dennis isn't on it, I'll eat some dog kibble)!
I am syndicated by the Salem Radio Network. My colleagues are Bill Bennett, Mike Gallagher, Michael Medved and Hugh Hewitt. Two of us attended Harvard, one Yale and one Columbia. One of us taught at Harvard, another at the City University of New York. And a third teaches constitutional law at a law school.
Wow, what a chance for us lowly homebound women to learn at the feet of some guys who attended some Ivy League colleges! I feel edified just by reading their names! And so I offer them this tribute: I heard the best minds of my generation on talk radio, spouting madness, starving hysterical stupid, dragging themselves through the Townhall streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, poopy-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the AM dynamo in the machinery of the right.
In addition to reviewing the news and discussing our own views, we all routinely interview authors and experts -- left and right -- in almost every field. The woman who listens to us regularly will know more about economics, politics, current events, world affairs, American history and religion than the great majority of men and women who work full-time outside of the house.
Sure, what these women know will be slanted, warped, and/or flat-out wrong, but they will inarguably know more of it than the great majority of people who are too busy splitting atoms and such to listen to right-wing talk radio.

But still, Dennis has given me hope that I too can join the exquisite world of the mind available to agoraphobics and housewives who possess only AM radios with which to muffle the sounds of that tell-tale heart (and not enough energy to change the channel from Salem Radio Network).


heydave said...

I knew this column was going to be special even before I knew who wrote it: the electrons on my screen went all sparkly!

Poor Dennis, confusing that modulated farting for "talk" again. REminds me of that Monty Python song... Dennis P., Dennis P. dum de dum dum dumb

scripto said...

Wonder what 12 hours of Prager et al does for the development of the little ones? I'm guessing the eyes aren't gonna track. Maybe some permanent glazing and an obsession with sticking pencils in their ears.

Kathy said...

My colleagues are Bill Bennett, Mike Gallagher, Michael Medved and Hugh Hewitt...

Dear God, what a Rogue's Gallery of... awfulness.
Informing Housewives everywhere. Housewives: don't listen to Right Wing Radio... drink Vodka or do drugs, get a hunky lover. NO RADIO.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

"Dennis starts out by stating that he regularly writes about "male-female issues" because "I want to help men and women, especially husbands and wives, get along better" by furthering the goals of the Stepford Wives project."


Unknown said...

Wow-friggin-Wee! I must say I enjoyed your post immensely and although I too run a feline rescue, I do not get enough mental stimulation from I watch the talking heads on MSNBC and scream back at them when I think they are full of shit...which btw is most of the time.

To learn I read online news articles that provide me with facts that I can validate by fact-checking them...not some idiot on tv spouting political party talking points.

pajzilla said...

Sheri, thanks so much for your post. It is terrif to read you again. And thanks for taking care of the fam. I've only recently become acquainted with S.C., but I'm sending on a small contribution.

If we lived in a civilized society the C's would only have a vet bill to deal with. But we don't live there.

Chris Vosburg said...

Among the many things that the Prager fan learns is that Keith Ellison failed the religious test for congressional office by swearing the oath on a Koran instead of a bible.

Prager will never tell them that the Constitution expressly forbids application of any religious test to any office in the federal government.

See how much smarter they are as a result?

Welcome back to town, s.z.-- I missed ya.

Kathy said...

Hey, we just packed our car in case we have to evacuate due to the Reno Fire. We're south of Arrowcreek Pkwy, North of Mt Rose Hwy.

I'd like to catch 2 kittens living nearby- they spend the night in our garage, and we feed them daily. They're hiding somewhere, I think scared of the high winds, and of daughter who tried to catch them this AM.

Any suggestions?

Unknown said...

Put canned food in a cat trap is what we have done. We don't feed them for a day or two so they are really hungry.

Sometimes damn it, we get one of the domestic's that is just a piggy for canned food ;-)

just my two cents, being a nosey bitch n' all.

Kathy said...

They come into my garage every evening & sleep on an old quilt in the corner. I placed a litter-box for them, which they use. They seem to prefer milk to cat food- they're pretty young.

If daughter hadn't tried to catch them, I think they'd have come to me by now. She spooked them- seems to think kittens can be caught & trained like Pokemons. Sigh.

Unknown said...

Milk gives young kittens diarrhea so its not real good to give them that.

They have canned kitten food now btw. its pricey but worth it.Plus you will gain their trust w/the canned food as that is how I capture a lot of the local ferals. I feedd them a little canned each night.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

The canned kitten food is a good lure, but in my many-scarred experiences, when dealing with very-young ferals (any idea if the mother is still in the picture at all, or if they're full-blown orphans?) that PET milk or Carnation condensed/sweetened/whatever-the-hell-that-they-do-to-canned-milk --- NEVER FAILS.

And if they haven't taken to kibble, the ONE canned cat food that has almost NEVER failed me (remind me to tell you about Lex Luthor one day, the canniest, most-brilliant feral female the world has ever known) is the 9 Lives "fresh tuna" (red meat) --- for some reason, only the tuna flavors with the red meat DON'T have pop-tops, so you'll need a can opener (no idea what THAT shit's about, I don't eat tuna, so I have no idea if it's supposed to discourage the elderly/homeless from eating the cat food, esp. when the canned cat food is ON PAR WITH ACTUAL HUMAN-CONSUMPTION CANNED TUNA, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH 9 LIVES AND WALLY WORLD MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!).

I know that you don't have time for building props or trap-feeders, so just put the canned milk in one empty cat-food can and half of the canned tuna cat food into another one, and place them at the VERY end of the trap, where the pull-up gate is, after they've walked onto the trigger-trap-door and the front door has swung down. Otherwise, the lightweight little shits will sneak in, grab a bite, and haul ass outta there before the trap slaps. If you have cheap/disposable bowls that are SMALLER than cat food cans, that's even better, because then there's no chance of the trip-trap-door-flap getting stuck on top of the cans.

Most of the smarter ferals that I've trapped have figured out by observing others that if they pull the cans forward without stepping onto that trap-door flap, then the can will keep the trap-door from going down and the front door will remain open, so that they can gorge to their heart's delight and still back outta there way before you get to the trap.

I hope to hell that you and yours can get the hell outta there before the first get to you, and I sure as HELL hope that your house is somehow spared from this nightmare, but if not, you can always come crash with me & Biddy! Somebody's gonna need an inflatable mattress, though.


Remember --- no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you love them, YOU CAN'T SAVE THEM ALL, EVERY TIME. The most important thing, and never forget this, IS TAKING CARE OF YOU AND YOURS, so that you are able to come back and take care of the NEXT batch of abandoned babies or abused adults or multi-generational ferals who are truly wild animals.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

DUH. I meant to say canned kitten MILK, but I'm 5 hours past my bed time, so forgive my senility. And seriously, you are in the nerve center of Feral Cats Central here, if WE can't figure something out, then it don't exist. Sheri/S.Z. is the empress emeritus, but we all have experience & scars that can be helpful in weird situations, all ya gotta do is holler, y'hear??!??

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

before the FIRE gets to you... sorry for the re-posts, Sheri. I stoopy, but you already know that for lo, these many moons. Just tryin' to help.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Blogwhoring for teh "beg"-a-thon (it ain't "begging" when you're doing it for a REASON and when EVERYBODY ONLINE KNOWS WHAT KIND OF STAND-UP, MORAL, DECENT, HONEST KINDA FOLKS THAT YOU ARE!!!!!! So, nope, sorry honey, you ain't down to THIS level yet, y'all have never even blackballed or BANNED for speaking like AN ADULT!)


Here's hoping that it helps!!!!!!

(I can NEVER fucking remembered, esp. when sleep-deprived, HOW to embed a link or activate a hyperlink to an outside source from the comment. Help, somebody? Please & thank you!)

Brian Schlosser said...

Dennis will never touch you, Sheri. He's dirt.

And by "touch you" I mean "come within a parsec of your wit, intelligence, and readability"

Keep doing God's good work with the Kittehs and grace us more often, when you can!!

Angelia Sparrow said...

I listen to hours of talk radio every day. Stephanie Miller, Bill Press, Ed Schultz, Thom Hartmann, Michaelangelo Signorile. And I do it WHILE I'm working at a paid job!(I drive a truck)

Of course, I doubt Sirius Left is what Prager means by expanding my mind with talk radio...

tom allen said...

Great column. Though as a poopy-headed hipster, I really want to read the rest of "Yowl." :-)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

I couldn't even digest enough of "Howl" or "On The Road" to get them to the bookstore register.

Go ahead, throw whatever you gotta throw. Nyeh. Nyeh. Nah. Boo. Boo. I'm a horrible, illiterate, bass-ackwards excuse for a human being. Some NEW news, please?